pre-birthday plans

Today I openly begged my guy friend to reconsider driving with me to Miami to celebrate my birthday during the first week of June. This is the guy from 3 years ago who spent about 4 days in my apartment and nothing happened. That guy! We've kept in touch more or less over the years. I think he still cannot forgive me for giving him blue balls during those 4 days after he drove down from Memphis to spend it with me. But hey, maybe if I did we wouldn't still be friends, you know how these things go.

We've gone on and on about this trip but today I openly begged him to come with me. I really don't want to spend my birthday in Atlanta. One of the best birthdays I have ever had was my 32nd in Philly. It was amazing, everything and more and I still think about it longingly wanting to replay that. Birthdays are meant to be memorable, and you have a whole year to plan that memory. I didn't plan last years so it sucked to high heavens. Birthdays in Atlanta eternally suck. There is always that overwhelming loneliness that overcomes you when you realize you've just added another age and you are still by yourself, doing nothing much. And then, I either burst into tears or have tremendous bouts of self-pity or just go somewhere and drink my sorrows away. I do not want to do either of that this year, pure and simple. It gets worse because this is an age that I cannot relate me and my attitude to - 34. It was hard to call myself 33 and before I could get used to it, 34 is rolling around. How fucked is that?

So now I am putting my request for a vacation trip to Miami during the week of June 2 - 6th in my journal. Hopefully someone reading this will want to drive with me and go enjoy some salsa, much needed beach time and intense debauchery for 5 whole days. Otherwise, I will act all 34 and drive myself there. People my age have teenage sons, so I at least should start acting like them.

There it is. One minute I say I wouldn't beg or make myself readily available to men, next minute I am begging my friend to go on vacation with me. Maybe I should have hinted that it would have benefits. Hmmm..

Loneliness and Boredom cause these things

I had a talk with myself this morning to try to find out why this sudden burst of desperation. 

I have always been by myself and I have always loved it, albeit a few glitches here and there, and I have always never returned calls from guys, or hinted to guys that I like them, or just generally made myself readily available. Why? Because I was happy all by myself. I had me and my goals and that was plenty enough for me.

Needless to say, things are no longer the status quo. I have called, texted guys, desperate stupid texts that sometimes go unanswered and I have slept with guys that I am not in the least bit attracted to. Aaargh!

I feel like months or years from now, if I ever meet the one and he is this cool cat that is just wonderful, takes my breath away, respects me, loves me endearingly, and is just fantastic, he would shudder at the list of misgivings that I have been up to before his arrival. He would be a tad disappointed. I would be a tad disappointed that I hadn't waited for him, instead I had let desperation and the urge to scratch an itch and be a bad girl at 33 years, get the better of me.

So I had the talk with myself this morning, begging me to get back to me and to forgo all things not me, and just keep hoping, praying and indirectly wishing for that Keanu lookalike, gentle fun soul to take over me someday. Hopefully, he is worth the wait.

Hmmm...someone's been naughty

Dear Diary,

I had Sex.

It is the same as I remember. I am exhausted out of my mind and I fear I might not see him again because I was not as good or as skinny as he would have liked. Nevertheless, the four year spell has been broken, and yes it felt good.

The End.

dear Lord!

Dear Lord, I am not sure you can hear me, but if you can, please I need your help. I am sure you know how. I really need your help. Take me out of this static. Please...I beg you. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.

How do you...

How do you make someone like you that may not possibly like you, at least in that way. It's not possibly like you, following the rule books of men, I know this guy doesn't like me. And I cannot figure out why I like him either. He is just lucky, I guess, my "like light" is on at the worst possible time and for the least likely prospect, and it's just ill advised because he is not feeling me.

To shed some light on this, let me elaborate.

So mystery guy from 2 weeks ago called me on Saturday from nowhere, after having ignored my calls all week. He said he would like to meet me wherever I am. So I tell him. But he never shows up. Hmm...

In the interest of trying, I send him a text Sunday evening to ask, What gives, why didn't you show up? He does not respond.

So I go to church and come back with this unnerving need for some alcohol. So I decide to try Geisha House. Disastrous pretentious place. (More on that later) And then I move on to Atlantic Grill, and still no service. So as a final resort, I go to Fox Sports Grill. Have not been there since I moved across the street from it. But hey, if anyone should serve me it would be my friendly neighbor. And they did.

Who do I bump into ordering a drink. Him, yes he that does not respond to phone calls. He sends me texts and calls me to alert me to him, but I feign interest and then eventually he catches my eye and then I join him and his cousin.

We end up going back to my place to finish the game and I made some wings. I kept trying to put the moves on him but he was not having it. He didn't make a move and I ran out of moves. During the evening he insinuated that I should get with his cousin, which sort of irked me. Why would you even think that? He also tried to keep it simple with me, maybe cos he didn't want his cousin to see. I don't know. We ended the evening with a hug and few cheesy text messages in which I confessed that I do have a crush on him. But he didn't say anything tangible in response. Cheesy text about us having to do something about it. Tssk, tssk, tssk.

So you see I did not woo him and he was not wooed by me, and I don't know why I should even bother. But so it is, dating in your 30's.

fuck you week

So the week was fucked. I knew this by Monday when I couldn't sleep and repeatedly woke up at 2.30 am to battle my allergies. It culminated on Thursday morning when it left me with a significant red eye that closely resembled a red eye but thank goodness it wasn't. But the week just sucked.

Sunday I went to the Dogwood Festival which was a little disappointing for me, not only because the art was expensive but it was filled with families, couples which was a little numbing for m, and it just seemed llike any other open market day in Atlantic Station, so I wasn't missing anything.
Then I sent some aimless texts to that guy I met at Strip. Neither here nor there text messages, I should have realized something was up when he told me he was at Walmart -which single guy shops at Walmart.. Probably there with his wife and kids. Tssk, Tssk...

Tuesday...no Jay Z concert, instead chose to go to the Georgia Association of Paralegals dinner. big mistake, huge mistake, waste of $30, waste of time, waste of my precious evening. Huge mistake. Then...as if the evening couldn't get worse, I called the guy above, and left a message but he didn't call me back!

Wednesday, still have not slept, went to work groggy. And came home during lunch to grab a nap. Noticed some beeping from my computer didn't think nothing of ot. Came home in the evening and turned the computer, still beeping. Fiddled with it for 2 hours, succumbing to calling the help desk at Apple, and it turns out my harddrive is fried. Yep, fried. It's been 18 months with that iMac that cost me $1700 and I come home and my harddrive is mysteriously fried.

After that I have nothing to say except those Mac ads are fake. They should not make those assertions in an ad, almost like a guarantee and then you buy the overpriced things and voila, they mysteriously fry their 256G harddrive. Mac had claimed that they can diagnose their problems and let you know, at least give me some kind of warning. A $2000 machine just frys within 18 months, that's fucked.


It got worse on Thursday because I had to schedule a service appointment with the fuckers at Apple store. Just to get there and a thousand Ipods, Macbooks and iPhones are scheduled with repairs. No shitting! I just felt like my eyes were opened to a strange realization...Apple products are just as fucked as PC/Windows products. Those commercials with Justin Long making fond of PC, as effective as they may seem, are not true to type, and dare I say, a crock of shit. Take it from the girl who spent $2000 of her hard earned money on one just to have the harddrive fry for no FUCKING REASON.

It got worse on Friday. Sent a last resort aimless text to that guy. Why did I bother, right? Because I am just trying. Trying to stop being single, trying to make an effort which I don't normally do, trying to make new friends. And it seemed like we had a connection, or maybe my hopelessly single self read too much into it, but it did seem that way, and for the first time in a while I thought this might actually be the start of something good. But I guess not. He never even responded to my text.:(

Then my mother called to tell me the Bar people rejected my application for insufficient information. No shitting. My week just kept getting better and better.

Saw Keanu's new movie - Street Kings. The high point of my week even though the movie wasn't great, but he looked amazing, and his acting was right on it. Maybe he's wondering, why the fuck I am contacting these guys that are not worth my time. Yes, Keanu I am wondering the same thing too.

Decided not to step out of the house this Saturday, lest more bad news come meet me.

Synopsis of a life well-spent

The importance of having life experiences is so you can write about them and hopefully remember them. But sometimes after I take myself out of my comfort zone long enough to have them I don't have the energy to write about them. I just seem like there's so much to say, too much to comprehend, digest and put into a concise treatise. So I don't write about them. I used to enjoy writing so much, what the heck happened?

On the 30th of March, my friend and I made a pact that for the month of April we would have one life experience worthy of talking about. We always seem to call each other ever so often without anything noteworthy to talk about. We would ask each other, "So what's new?" But nothing ever was. So we promised to have something new and exciting happen to us - to make it happen. We struck a deal to make that happen, so at our next phone call, on the 30th, we would exchange information on the new and exciting event(s) in our lifes over the past month. It's pathetic I know, but it goes back to what I was saying about life experiences...we should try to have them as much possible, make them happen, take yourself out of your comfort zone and do something, Live.

On Friday - I did nothing. I was too tired and had waay too much laundry to do. Was supposed to go to a photographer's exhibition a stone throw from me, but it closed at 4pm, so I hoped to go the next day.

On Saturday - I did nothing, for the early part of the day. I didn't even work out. I went to Gwinnett to get my contacts, glanced the surburbian hell-hole I used to live in and thanked my lucky stars I do not live there anymore. Later on in the evening, in need of much excitement, I went to the lounge bar in the next building. It was interesting. I have talked about this to in my previous posts, but needless to say, it was okay fun. The only thing that's worthy of note that I haven't talked about is how I keep feeling, within the first hour of these things, How I am too old for this Shit. From the time I mull over what to wear that won't make me look too old, or too fat, to the time I first arrive and I glance the prospects, and the little girls arrive looking all hot to trot and I am over there with my face all wrinkly and ashamed of why I am middle aged and still doing this, to the time the first couple of drinks (which are always hard to order because the bartenders are too mesmerized by how old I am to serve me, but on the otherhand when they do they do not card me) sets into my system and I decide I might as well have fun. Something tells me I am not going to find Mr. Right at any of these "too old" atmospheres. I just go for the life experience benefit, to have something to tell my children (if I ever have any) to have something to comprise my memoirs. Overall, it beats sitting in front of the TV wishing something exciting would happen.

On Sunday - I went to Dogwood Festival at Lenox. This was big for me because I have heard it advertized for so many years but due to logistics, I have not been able to attend. This year it was so close to me, didn't have to worry about parking etc, so why not. It was like a festival. A little like Helen but in a confined space. Lots of food, heart-clogging, all-american clog-your-heart food, lots of art, lots of photography, most importantly lots of overpriced art, maybe because of the venue or to cover overheard costs, but an 8x10 photo going for $25 was a bit much. The scene was picturesque, kinda made me wish I brought a camera.

so what happened?

So what worked about my weekend...I planned it out and everything sort of fell in place. Plus...I met someone. But I haven't heard from him, we haven't shared that much of a conversation and I am sure he has a girlfriend, like every guy in this country, but it's one step. I meet people all the time, some find me attractive enough to speak to me, some I respond to just to be polite and some I just straight up ignore. There must have been something in the air, or maybe it was the new boobs, I do not know but it was a good radar weekend. The men responded to stimulus and I was happy to have them there. So I met this guy yesterday, very nice eyes, very manly, and we shared a sweet hug at the end of the evening. But then that's it, he hasn't called and I am resisting the urge to call him. Sent him some texts this afternoon, I never text, and he responded and then stopped, left my question hanging. So that's what worked about my weekend. Something nice. Hopefully I hear from him. How do I make sure that I hear from him without crowding him, or seeming too desperate? There should be rule books about this kind of stuff. Dating in America...101! If he was that interested he would have called by now...don't you think?

I am just tired of being by myself. Seriously. It is getting ...boring. Boring is the word, not depressing, not lacking of challenge, just boring, like I have something to say to someone, something to share with someone but there's no one to tell. No one to share the good years of my life with. In two months time I turn 34, and it's been the same ole me, from 25 to now. It's getting to be pretty much too much of the same thing.

Whoever it was that I hurt that cursed me that I will never have love, let alone find true love, I am sorry. You've had your fill with me these past nine years, so please I am sorry. I need to find a stop to this. Some method to this oneness. I need to share some good years of my life, of my day with someone. When I was 29 on the cusp of 30, I promised myself that I would have a child at 33, with or without a husband. I just needed to see what was at the other end of the wall, to see what my child would look like, to grow with my child. But alas, I turn 34 in 2 months, needless to say I cannot even find a donating father.

Some method to this oneness.

Not to Bar...as life would have determined it

So I decided not to Bar. Not like anyone cares. It's my life and such decisions should have been resolved personally and not by seeking web approval. But the summary is, I decided not to Bar and I cannot say I am not disappointed. It just was not financially feasible at this time. The bills from the surgery are just overwhelming, and plus I partially don't see it as the solution to my career-less state and I don't want to be out of a gazillion bucks, still trying to get people to look at my resume even though I have a Bar license. We all know how the Master's degree played out.

July 2008 was to be the year. I am so crushed. So crushed that I am numb. I was looking through some of my old "goals and successes" books and I saw a future goal of taking the Bar in July 2008. Isn't that sad? I also came across my first insurance approval for my breast reduction surgery and it was dated March 2006, two years to the date it finally happened. I was initially supposed to go to San Francisco in June 2006 but I couldn't afford it. I finally got to go in April 2007. You see life has it's own dates...the deadlines we create are just place holders.That being said, I wonder what date the actual Bar will occur, the kids will come or the actual wedding. Like I said, who cares?