2024 Cocoon

Realised that I have not been past Lagos Island this year. 

Not gone abroad. 

Like at all. 

Not stamped my passport. 

Not even to the Mainland this year. 

VI and Ikoyi strictly. 

When folks stay envying me with a few shots on Instagram of my evening out. 

They don't realise I've been cocooned. 

Remember this as y'all travel that 

I have not been past Lagos Island this year. 

Get it together. 

Envy someone that's been to Bali or whatever, if need be. 

I am not your target market. 

These pics (and sporadic outings) are all local to distract me from the fact that 

I have not been past Lagos Island this year.

Reluctant Crush...

 

don't know about you... but for me, I find tremendous value in developing and nurturing friendships that I encounter cos the world is cyclical, and we are all beings...loving, exploring and experiencing each other.

And I've been fortunate enough to have the men in my life maintain our friendship. This, I've found, to be more valuable as opposed to building on a spark that may or not exist (at least for now).

I sent the above to someone I've been crushing hard on, as a last hurrah, I suppose. 

Don't know about you but I absolutely hate crushes. They're fun to begin with, you blush when they call, get all giddy and distracted from life's stupidities and inconveniences and very soon, they become one of life's stupidities and inconveniences. I have been trying to detangle why this particular geezer is not budging for me. I mean, everyone budges for me, I am not super hot, but I'm intelligent, well-spoken, slightly well-traveled and have a wicked sense of humor. Then, I recalled a certain conversation we had. 

He said, when he's in love with someone he finds it hard to get with another person. It's just not possible. Endearing, you might say. But a clue that he's not getting with me because he's clearly enamored, totally infatuated with another person. Hence, why I sent the note above. We may not be able to build on a non-existent spark but we can develop a friendship that may be rather endearing. People forget that sometimes it's the friendships you create along the way that make up the composition of your love network. 

Men such complicated creatures. 

Law as a Creative

At some point in my needless job search in 2024, I decided it was in my best interest to attend seminars, conferences and webinars. It was my enlightenment period. My time to take the job search and networking outside OUTSIDE. One of the first really good in-person ones was a "law as a creative" themed conference - Africa Creative Market. 

It dealt with lawyers in their pursuit and protection of Art - Intellectual Property lawyers, various creatives and lawyers who have veered into being artists. I found that very relevant and I immediately "held space" for it. Most people don't realise that lawyers are artists. There's a great subset of lawyers who either remain artists after studying law, or practice law in support of artists while tending to their artistic side, myself falling into the latter. Even though I could only attend the conference on the closing day the few speeches and fireside chats that I caught resonated with me and made me feel seen. 

I found a particular fireside chat with the partner of one of the biggest law firms in Lagos (Sandra Oyewole from DLA Piper) very impactful and poignant. This elder lady even talked about menopause relating it to mental health and mental capacity to be productive at work. This is a topic most companies do not factor into their employee reviews. They never stop to consider that an employees work behavior may be affected by peri-menopause? Maybe because their ultimate goal is to hire anyone from 40 below and consider people over 40 as not "hireable" in Nigeria's market (but I digress). 

I commend the organizer, who is also a lawyer that has leaned far left from it. She was awesome and accommodating to make the topics relevant to all audiences...old and young and made it super duper organised as well. It also takes a lot of in-depth planning to attract sponsors in the fashion and creative industry, to serve us all free food and drinks with a fashion show in this deplorable economy.  

Big Kudos.

Forgiveness - What's in a word?

There's been a lot of talk about forgiveness. 

Recently, in the media with a certain celebrity. Even with those not directly affected by this person's actions it's been hard on them to fathom the act of forgiving this person. Its just troubling because this is someone we all looked up to. I personally looked up to them. 

Y'all know how it feels when your work mentor doesn't live up to expectations. I am here to tell you that I can so relate. People talk a lot about forgiveness and they never talk about the gravity of the offense that's been committed. I can forgive you stepping on my toe or forgetting to acknowledge me for that presentation. Those seem rather trivial and can be forgiven within 2 days max. But really when I talked to a very spiritual friend of mine I said, "I akin it to someone being responsible for the end of something and since we're keeping it light, let's say, your career, if someone deliberately takes time out of their day to end your career, disparage you, send notes to directors to rid you of your job, de-market you and shred your professional career to bits, how much forgiveness is in your heart for this person?" 

How much of it can you possibly muster?

 

Every time the sermon talks about forgiveness, I ask, well, we need to weigh it obviously. There are some things that can be easily forgiven, some not so much. Feel like asking us to forgive quite so readily is such a huge ask. Maybe ask them not to hurt us. Let's start from that. And then forgiving these people that quite obviously never ask for forgiveness, never apologise. They go on about their lives and seemingly PROSPER. How am I supposed to feel about that? Not the prosper part but just the healing from the dagger lodged in my chest and as I crawl on my good knees to quench my parched thirst just to open some form of social media to distract me from the throbbing pain and there it is, the culprit who caused my pain exceeding in life abundantly and I'm supposed to just forgive them. Wow! That's a huge HUGE ask. 

As I watch the news and the social media accounts, and the apologies being offered for this celebrity, I think, that's all well and good, But still. I meditate within...people should not get away with their malicious sadistic actions...we should not preach "forgiveness" as the remedy to this as it allows them to get away with their malicious deeds...it's like a cure all. 

And all of a sudden you're the bad person because you're still carrying this hurt in your heart. "you need to forgive so you don't carry this pain in your heart." Perhaps ask the culprit to ask for said forgiveness...that's a start. Perhaps, tell people not to go out of their way to plot evil (form weapons, as the Bible says) against another. Do something more productive with your time, touch grass, adopt/sponsor a child, give that time to charity, donate anonymously, try to help us meet our SDG goals, something that moves this planet forward in a positive way.  

Forgiveness - one word with a huge ask. 

Of Friendships and Women

Spring cleaning find!

That's the thing with rainy weekends - it gives you time to do some spring cleaning and well you dig up some fun facts about yourself. 

This is one of them. I won't say too much about the person with me in this picture.  I'll instead choose to reflect on the me in this picture. This was close to 25 years ago and I'll like to believe I still look the same somewhat. But I remember everything about the day and the moment before this picture was taken. 

It was post law school holiday and we had all decided to celebrate in London. There was an extreme sense of accomplishment and just sheer bliss that we would take on the world. That's what this smile is about. When people ask me (as one of my employers did) if I went to law school I'd like to use this pic as a reference.

Golden Lessons at a Golden Age

I celebrated a major milestone birthday in June. 

As it approached a lot of thoughts, moreso than usual for any birthday, went through my mind. Some of them weren't all bad, mainly some of them were words I would like to tell my younger self or things I have learned about life along the way. Face it, we cannot live all these years on this earth without having picked up a few life lessons here and there.   

Here they are in no order of importance. Some you may not agree with, however, bear in mind, these are my life lessons taken from the peculiarity of my life experiences.

1. As a single woman, it's best that you stay clear of recently divorced or (even worse) separated men. You'll just be roadkill. Don't ask me how I know I just do. I have the scars to prove it. 

2. Try to find random moments to celebrate you. Everyday. Even if it's a random Tuesday. The time may come when you cannot celebrate. Or when the day of celebration arrives, as in my case my birthday, things may not align for it to be commemorated, so you'll remember all the other times, the miscellaneous Tuesdays, 17th, 23rds, nonspecific days that you celebrated nothing in particular just You and they would make up for that moment. 

3. In your hustle, remember that your career. is not paramount. YOU are. I gave up so much for a foreseeable career, and it stands to be one of my biggest regrets. 

4. If you happen to be married. your partner is also not paramount. You still are. You arrived alone. and you should see certain things alone. Selfishly. This may be the most controversial take, I know but it's what I've known to be true. I've seen too many coupledoms come and go to believe that there's such a thing as a "life partner." I feel like we lose a little bit of ourselves when we have relationships, a little bit of our dreams, our personality, our uniqueness, our time to get to know ourselves better. 

5. If you're in your 30s right now, this is the time to have all the fun in the world. Professionally, personally. Sexually and otherwise. This is your time to experiment, research, explore and live out loud. If you're lucky, you'll get to be 50 and trust me, everything is considered too old at 50. 

6. Always leave men wanting more. This could go either way for any of the sexes. Always leave people with that little mystery, don't be so available, don't answer all their calls, don't be 'at the ready.' As an older friend once told me, and I hereby tell you, when you ignore men that's when they move closer. I tried it that same day and it worked and still works like a charm. 

7. This is a tough one but I have been saying this for about 5 years now, right after I lost my job because of one woman. Women do not like each other. We do not support each other, and we most certainly do not trust each other. Ever notice how the one person who's nice to you at a social gathering is male, person of the opposite sex. The women are just on the other side eyeing you, reviewing your outfit, your weave, your shoes, your skin, talking about YOU, wondering, why did she wear this, did she think she looked cute, etc. In an office...it's just worse. And if you always look good, or your composure screams confidence, then, you may not have long to live in that office, they would find a way to get rid of you. Why do you think that is? I think it's the fewer men to women ratio that has us women on edge feeling like we always need to compete with one another. I am not competing with you for a man, I've said and written that several times. 

There's more. Surely, there should be. But I'll stop here for now. 

The Effect of Polin

Apparently, thanks to YouTube Watch History, I happened to watch the video below on May 30, 2024. 

And in watching it, something about it caused an internal shift in me and made me somewhat of a fan of this guy from the critically acclaimed Netflix show, Bridgerton.  Mind you, this video was recorded prior to their current media storm for Season 3, and the current fanfare that has left little fangirls swooning and shipping their coupledom. Something about the video sheds light on his motivation and the background to his career as to how this current role is his first much-needed big break and why, as you watch him during their multiple "Polin" interviews, you can keenly observe how he looks somewhat nervous, self-aware, and is doing everything in his power not to screw it up, not to say the wrong things, to sound more interesting than he is self-conscious, to soak it all in, to ensure that he doesn't lose this opportunity. 

I particularly was touched at the point he said he called his mum and started weeping. Most men will never admit to that, calling their mum first and also crying. But in his precocious self he willingly admitted it. How endearing! To be honest, I would do the same when my first big break comes because when you really think, your mum's been that one constant source of support in your corner. 

As for the other half of Polin, the petite vivacious bosomy blonde bout of fresh air. I happened to watch Derry Girls during lockdown in 2020. And out of the 4 ladies featured in it, she was the one I responded to the most - maybe the curvy bosoms seemed like a shared similarity, who knows. I remember Googling her to find out that she was actually the oldest person in the bunch. Then, when I saw her in the 1st season later that same year, 2020 I instantly followed her on Instagram.  My gut had instinctually told me she would go places beyond an Irish based TV show and unsurprisingly, I was right. Her personality is so much larger than life that if she doesn't blow up after this, Hollywood has done her a disservice. 

I often or not tap into these fan-frenzied shows because I am a lover and observer of pop culture and the healing effects of the escapism it affords us from our sordid realities. In my observance, I have come to know that the more you stick around you'll realise that most of them, their stardom comes and goes, like a fad, and some of them, very few of them are able to forge a long lasting career out of them. They just have to know what to do with the media attention and spotlight, harness it into more illustrious projects, observe what the fans are responding to and most importantly, always keep them wanting more. 

Your Tom Brady Moment

Spent the better part of my weekend watching the Roast of Tom Brady.

 

I know - it had some crass unsavoury jokes but I needed to laugh.

One thing stuck out to me though. 

Tom Brady. The 7 time Super Bowl winner (that we now know and unquestionably love and occasionally loathe) was the 199th draft pick in the 6th round. 199th.

Meaning, he had to wait through 6 rounds and 198 people being called quite ceremoniously before he was finally selected to join the NFL. As a matter of fact, the quarterback that he subbed was the No. 1 Draft pick. He was the 199th. Tom Brady 199th. Knowing what we now know about him you cannot imagine him being 199th in anything regarding NFL Football. 

Do you know what that feels like? Imagine it for a second. He had had to sit through 5 rounds, patiently waiting for his name to be called, and at the end of the 6th round, he was finally picked. 

He eventually had to sub for the quarterback when he was out due to an injury, and that gave him an opportunity to get game play. From there, they went on to win the Super Bowl (in his rookie year) and the No. 1 draft pick was traded the following year to another team and they made Tom Brady their franchise quarterback. But due to his skillset, that quarterback won a Super Bowl ring even though he was injured. 

What does it say, luck is when preparation meets opportunity. 

As the Bible put it, the stone that the builders rejected turned out to be the cornerstone.

Never knew this about him. It explains so much. SO MUCH.

Whatever you are doing, be patient, your Tom Brady moment is around the corner.

Some Odes to an Obsession

It's me talking to myself again.....

Him: So how is the metaphysical you doing?....

Me: Great. (she pretends) And not so great. I have started talking to myself again. It's a sign you are longing for some company bad. And I keep wanting to do these things but I never just go out and do them.....

Him: Hmmm...Like what?....

Me: Like go out on a Friday night. There are all these clubs that play jazz, or have poetry night, I really should go, but then, I think this is not a place to be alone.....

Him: Like what are you doing here?....

Me: Exactly. What am I doing here?..(tilts head to the side and speaks softly) Gosh! I miss you.....

Him: You are not trying hard enough.......

Me: I am. I hope. I have that impossibility option open inside me and it's driving me crazy, it just stops me from trying just because it's for you. That and the nerve not to do anything all together, maybe if I just did for once I could believe that you are on the other end of the stick...waiting.....

Him: Stop saying it's impossible.....

Me: But it is. You know it is. I wish I could stop saying it too.....

Him: You should try meditating. Maybe you won't think about me so much.....

Me: Is that your solution? You should be here. That's the solution. I should be having fun in my life, that is the solution. I should be happier, I will be happier if I was doing something else, with someone, and if I had the ability to do something with myself.....

Him: Nobody's going to let you produce your own movies, or our movie, too many people in line, wait your turn.....

Me: I get so used to expecting No's all the time, I get more shocked when I hear yes. Yes, it's going to work out, yes, you can do this. But that's the inner me saying yes, yes, I will do anything to get next to you.....

Him: I should be there.....

Me: Yes. That's true. For everything that is bad in my life, I will take this to make it better. This would be the one thing that would make me feel better about my existence.....

Him: (blushes) you are just saying that? You would go crazy trying to understand me.......

Me: So would you? Even I haven't understood me...that's the enigma of my person. I hate routine, I hate authority and I hate being told No, even though it's done all the time. And you know, or I think you hate it too.....

Him: So what if I am just a muse?....

Me: Then, I am stupid and I need a shrink more than I thought before. But something tells me it's not just that, if I hate routine so much and I get bored with sameness, how come this has stuck with me for so long.....

Him: Because you haven't gotten it?....

Me: Or because I know I can't. (pauses...starts to cry in soft bursts of tears) I ask myself, can I wake up one day and not want you to be a part of my life...can I? And then, I think that life would not be fun, it wouldn't be the same...it wouldn't feel like me, and maybe I wouldn't write so much I wouldn't create as much, I would be somewhat of a bigger space than I am now. It should stop.......

Him: (angry that she is crying because of him and he is unable to do anything about it) I am sorry. I could go...but you would only bring me back almost immediately. (he hears her laugh amidst the tears such a sweet sorrowful laugh) I will go now.....

Me: I love you (she calls out before he leaves) Or I have some deep confused misdirected fascination with you that lets me believe it is love. For now, we'll call it love....

Him: Yeah. That'll do. I'll see you. ....... 

I don't want to explain this piece, perhaps it need not an explanation, It is just one of those times you reach deep inside you and these are the words that come from it. 

Written in 2022. Present day me in 2024 is so far removed from these emotions. Like quite far. 

Every obsession eventually dissipates...

Belle of the Ball

Had a dream about a tall dark man. Tall. very tall. 

This time it was Negro. And he called me, "Babe." 

He came to get me, crowd filled with people he made sure to grab my hand and we walked together through the crowd to this roof top to watch the stars and fireworks. 

Of course, as in all my dreams, I was in a place I've never been. The next building had lights, across the empty rooms, hallway. I asked what it was, he said, "Wait, you'll see." 

The next minute, classical music echoed through some speakers loudly and couples line danced in each of the rooms, spilling out into the hallways. Most of them were older couples. It was as beautiful as it was sweet. Then, we began to line dance. He pulled me into him and we twirled and dipped. 

I laughed in disbelief. I had never seen him so playful. Then he stopped and said, "These are horrible," referring to my nails, and asked me to go get my nails done. 

I apologised and he said, "This my Babe."  

Then I woke up from shock.

Search Synopsis for Notes to a Negro

During the "Notes to a Negro" promotional tour, one of the assignments that I was asked to provide to improve the sales of the book was for it to show up in various search engines, Amazon's, Google, etc. I needed a synopsis with key words, SEO words that would be picked up by different search engines. 

Looking through my files, I found one of the many, many summaries that I had provided which is all naught now because only Kobo Books and Selar produce the book. 

I just thought to share it here for all the booktoks, as it is now available through other publishers, and mainly because 4 AI tools rated it a strong piece of non-fiction, a solid 3.5/5.  

Notes to a Negro is a raw, unflinching memoir that explores love, heartbreak, and self-discovery through the lens of one woman’s tumultuous relationship with a man she calls "Negro"—a name that embodies the strength, complexity, and cultural heritage of Black masculinity.  

Set against the backdrop of modern African and Nigerian society, this deeply personal narrative weaves together journal entries, WhatsApp transcripts, and poetic interludes to chronicle a love story that is as intoxicating as it is destructive. From the heady rush of young love to the painful unraveling of trust and intimacy, the author lays bare her vulnerabilities, mistakes, and triumphs, offering a searingly honest portrayal of what it means to love and lose in a world that often demands too much of Black women.  

Through moments of passion, betrayal, and self-reclamation, Notes to a Negro challenges societal norms around race, gender, and relationships. It celebrates the resilience of Black women while interrogating the emotional unavailability and cultural pressures that shape Black men. At its core, this is a story about finding oneself in the wreckage of love—and learning to love again, not just others, but oneself.  

The morning of June 27, 2020

The morning of June 27, 2020

I had a good dream. Been meaning to write about it all day since I rarely have good dreams. But it was a soft tender delicate dream one that I sincerely hope and pray comes through. 

I dreamt I was in the arms of someone. Someone young, soft-spoken and British, specifically he was Hero Fiennes-Tillman. But that representation in my dream doesn’t necessarily mean it will be him. We had broken up and were now back together and stealing embraces with each other at work. he was staying nearby and I stole away from work to cuddle with him on a bench. And as we intertwined hands and hugged affectionately he said he’d never been so happy, that everything was working out in his life, our lives and he wondered why we were so lucky. The entire world was going through a hard time but here we were, in bliss. We had broken up but were now back together. Our work was great and our personal life, our relationship was great. What did we do to deserve to be so lucky? Then, we kept on embracing and then I woke up. 

It was 10am. June 27, 2020. 

Interesting dream. Rather interesting inspiration. This what happens when you go to sleep reading your fan-fiction.