There’s this picture of Negro’s wife cuddling her fussing baby and being so lost in the moment that haunts me.
She cradled the baby and smiled softly into its face and I could just feel the love, admiration, calm and warm energy oozing from that frame. Her caption read something like, thanks to her friend for capturing this moment. It was a truly Kodak moment.
At first I was touched by it as a woman watching another woman soothe her child, the maternal instinct in me just kicked right in. Then, something hit me, will I say, jealousy, envy, watching another woman cradle a baby that she had borne with a man I had been in love with for over 10 years. That could have been me, my happy moment, my sweet peaceful moment with our love child, that could have been me, happy, proud, enriched with love, light and sunshine beaming at the fruit of our restless passion. Only, it wasn’t.
Admittedly all this occurred during my “stalk Negro’s wife’s SM” phase. Now. Honey, I do not have that time. At all. I’m actually even shocked I had time to write this. Well, I’m writing this because that image struck me as I was showering tonight for some strange reason. I felt like saying to Negro, “What is you doing? You wanted this beautiful family for so long so…what is this?” It’s either you want it or you don’t want it. You can’t half-ass it. Not now, you fought for this white picket fence life for so long. You sacrificed the idea of an us for this. Then, I remembered I encouraged that reckless stupidity, that adultery. I was also a willing participant in that foolery. So in earnest, “what am I doing?” Is this revenge? That I can still fu*k her man even though he may be married to her I can still have him. Laying my claim that I still have (first) dibs over her husband. Is this what this is all about? I say this even knowing I am one of many.
That image just seemed so pure and innocent that it made me feel like the slut who wants to break up a happy home. So, I took a beat. Sat on my bed and decided to write this and ponder. As I contemplated to do better.
In an affair, who’s to blame? In this one, who is? When I told my girlfriend I had slept with my married ex she didn’t blame or judge me, she didn’t even bat an eyelid. I found that weird considering she’s a Christian and I’m dying here trying to suppress my Catholic guilt. she simply replied, he’s a grown ass man that knows what he’s doing and if this is what he wants to do, then it’s okay. Plus, you’ve been sleeping with him long before she has so…just go on about your business. I am so happy you got you some. I see...but then, there’s that image though.
Dear Anita, What is You Doing?
