Heath Ledger Part Deux, RIP!

As the days go by, I slowly recover from Heath Ledger's passing.

It was so hard last week and right up to yesterday, when a co-worker of mine, chimed in that she took just as hard even knowing fully well that she was not a fan and is not a movie media loving fanatic. There are just some underlying elements of his death that ring true that make you stop and wonder about your being, your existence, your purpose and your goals.

I was a wreck all through last week, and right up to now. I know about people getting killed in a war, I know about people dying of hunger, mothers and children dying of hunger, disease, and war-torn, poverty stricken countries. Of course, I know that first-hand because I am African. That doesn't mean that I am making little of that because I choose to mourn an actor that had it way better than someone who lives on the street in Ajegunle and cannot feed their children. No, it just rings true in some unspeakable way that I cannot quite put into words.

I think Daniel Day-Lewis said it best when he said, that even though he never knew Heath, he is sure he would have liked him if they had ever met. His sister mentioned something about him in her statement, which I wish I could recite or state verbatim, but it went something like this, that to many people, he was this and that...but to her, he would always be her baby brother. And then so suddenly, my brother called me last week just to find out if I am okay. I don't know why. Some things just make you stop and think, so it is.

I am sure he is waking up in the after-life thinking, "WTF, did I die? I thought I just went into a deep slumber. I don't want to leave yet, what about my daughter." That just rings true when you think about it, and makes it hurt even more. I hope to somewhat recover from this, today is the first step to doing and living like I normally would, and thinking, it was meant to be, and that's just the true story of it.

Lay-offs aye?

So we got the news today that the much touted position that is supposed to be several layers above me has been put on hold by senior management. The company now has a hiring freeze, and with those of us still in the company, our future is uncertain. There are extreme budget cuts and labor (people) cuts. Already I noticed that some departments had slowly and quietly eliminated some people on their team. You would only find out about this after your email comes back bounced. This bothers me greatly. I don't love the job but I don't want to lose it, and you all know my overhead costs are way too high right now and the possibility of moving to a new job very slim. Not only for me for anyone. The country is going through a strange deficit.

I have to certainly begin to curtail my expenditures. I have to stop buying clothes, shoes, personal effects, stop going out on meaningless dates, and for meaningless drinks. Things have got be tightened so we can make room for whatever may come. My boss hinted today that it may be about 4 -6 weeks before we can find out what is going on with our future. Right now the bosses are in Miami (yes Miami, one of the most expensive cities in America) deciding how to cut and trim the budget since the business is somewhat slow. Why did they have to travel to Miami and be put up at the Ritz Carlton to decide this? I don't know. Maybe the MIami weather will help them clear their heads and feel better about the people cuts.

Moving on...top ten reasons why something needs to work out in my life, asap? I may loose my job.

Post 701

So sad that my 700th post had to be a sad one. But this is not exactly a "happy" journal. Apart from my shopping splurges and occasional yelps for finally getting the job and a few vacation trips here and there, this is not exactly what I call a happy journal. But still, I would not want to report on someone's death, especially someone who did no wrong. He was not known in the tabloids as a druggie, junkie, excessive anything. He was very private. To be so private and then end up like this, mysteriously dead is sad.

I have just been in this funk since the news. I was in my usual "Anita" funk, but this just ate the cake. I haven't been able to do anything constructive. It's this kind of depressing feeling that not even shopping can solve. I have so many plans of what I would like to do, the kind of work I would prefer to do and I just end up doing work that I don't enjoy and in doing it, I just hope that each day swings by faster so that no one will notice that I do not know how to do this, and I cannot do this. But I still harbor some measure of hope that I will one day get to do what I love. How long should I keep hoping for that and when will I live and accept the present.

What is it that we do every day? Day by Day. We try to exist and pretend that our existence means something, and we are faced with pursuing our dreams and to try to chase down that dream, we call it existing. And sometimes this takes our whole life, a brief part of our lives before we move to something else, or just becomes us. I don't know what it is that I need to do, to not just exist but to make my existence mean something, and become part of a much bigger picture.

I will try to get back to simple melancholic Anita mode.

Heath Ledger???

Heath Ledger was found dead this afternoon. I find myself almost in tears on reading this news. Total shock, more shock than on receipt of Anna Nicole's news. Did anybody see the previews for the new Batman movie....WTF is wrong with this life? At 28 fucking years you have to leave this world. WTF!! Something is not right. I was not an excessive fan, I just hate to see talent like that rip itself from us, because of what...drugs? maybe. But what?

Day off...Monday

In another lifetime I would have been recuperating from my surgery right about now. But I suppose that was supposed to be the other Anita, not this one.

I had a somewhat droned out weekend. Didn't have enough funds to take myself out to anything major, so I stayed home Friday and Saturday night. The snow and freezing temperatures on Saturday didn't help neither. I found myself begging one of my girlfriends to accompany me out on Saturday and she defiantly refusing. You start to wonder, that's why I plan and arrive alone. It's just too much to have someone accompany you someplace to go chase boys. Anyways.

I just want to thank the good 'ole folks at American Express for sending me that $50 giftcard to The Capital Grille restaurant. It's not every credit card that you have that considers, I know this here big spender of ours loves fine dining, and because of that we will send her to a very fine exquisite restaurant, one that she hasn't been to before and pay for almost all of her meal. Thank goodness I didn't throw away that flyer when I got it in the mail. So that was the highlight of my weekend. Going fine dining eating at Capital Grille overlooking that awesome view of Buckhead (reminds me that I need to get back to photography) and having desert at Blue Ridge Grill.

Snow on Saturday didn't deter anyone from doing what they wanted to do. Pity they are expecting flurries once again tomorrow.

Misstra Know-it-all

I was watching this documentary on PBS two nights ago about the obesity, weight loss crises in America. Several overweight people were chronicled, people who were by nature overweight, and had tried and tested several different types of weight loss gimmicks to try to lose the weight. This particular older lady was interesting. She had gone through gastric bypass surgery, just at the advent of that breakthrough surgery and just before it her doctor had asked her to write down the several reasons why she wanted to loose weight. The list was endless, even touching on topics I would never have thought of if someone had asked me to make that list.

I want to wear pantyhose (Me - I would like to be able to freely find pantyhose in my size)
I want to climb the stairs without feeling winded (Me - touche)
I want people to look at me without judging me based on my size. (Me - They don't even speak to me at all)
I want people to want to get to know the real me (Me - touche)

Lists like that encompass issues that have occurred to you but you never really put them down. I know people would be a lot more interested in me if I was not so fat, no matter what the brothas say about liking thick women, etc. They would want to take a second look, they would linger the first time, they would look at my face and let our eyes meet and let them at least say hi if I was not this big. It's just the nature of human interaction, the way you look away from a homeless person on the street.

However, I got to thinking that this is my make or break year. I spent a considerable amount of time last night surfing the web for shoes and clothes. Suddenly that has become my latest and greatest pastime. It's somewhat therapeutic. Nine times out of ten I do not end up making a purchase but I always keep things in my shopping cart hoping to take the plunge. This has become my pastime because I am afraid to think of the present, because the present upsets me and clouds my mind and just puts me in a funk. But the escapism effect of browsing through clothes and shoes would take me away to something that is not immediately depressing, like playing dress up in my brain.

In this make or break year, I have to decide, what do I need to do to make it this year or leave this country and call it quits. Then I thought, maybe I will make a list of all the great things about living in this country. I got up to number 2, and thought maybe the reverse would work, all the things I would hate to revisit in my old country. Either way one of these lists, if they ever get written, if I ever drag myself away from macys.com/bloomingdales.com, would determine if there is anything worth fighting for, if it's time to change this status quo for the better or worse by making a drastic decision to the left, and truly solidify this year as the make or break year of my adult life.

It is actually snowing

Snow! Actual Snow. Oh it's so gorgeous. Please share this remarkable goodness with me.

It is actually snowing

Snow! Actual Snow. Oh it's so gorgeous. Please share this remarkable goodness with me.

It is actually snowing

Snow! Actual Snow. Oh it's so gorgeous. Please share this remarkable goodness with me.

It's been cloudy

I just want to take a moment to pray. The year is not starting out too good and I am somewhat afraid of what could lie ahead since this is only the 15th day of the New Year. It's been certainly very cloudy and inasmuch as I feel the devil is trying to test my wits, to make me waiver and push me to hating everything around me, including myself; I still feel some certain words of prayer need to be said to commit this year into God's hands. I don't want to fall into those traps that life sets for us, I know it cannot be rosy all the time, but for those of us with very little to be rosy about, we count on the ho-hum nothingness to guide us through as opposed to ho-hum craziness. I would love to recount these very few and certainly troubling 15 days but let's not rehash the bad news, let's keep it simple at best by saying:

Lord bless me in this New Year, 2008. Protect me from all evil, let no evil come upon me, let me not deal it to anyone. Do not grant my enemies unsurpassed power against me. Grant that I may not hate or despise or fall short of God's love in this New Year. Keep me strong in my loneliness. Let my words be words of love and goodness, let me be strong in the faith and love of our Lord and let me hold fast, always trusting and believing, never faltering, armored with the breastplate of Christ, weathering the storm that is this life, that your love shall be with me through the hard times that may come, and wipe away my tears as I face the turmoil that is inevitable. Your Grace and Mercy always.

Your daughter, anita

P.F Chang's Thursday Night

Nothing is good anymore. Restaurants that make a name for themselves by going on just the ambience, serve up sucky food and hope that word of mouth will se them through. But what happens when not even the service makes up for it, Food is bad, service is bad, and the ambience just doesn't cut it anymore.

All through the week I had been craving Kung-pao chicken. I passed through the mall but refused to eat food court Chinese food, instead opting to try out P.F. Chang's expensive trendy Chinese restaurant. P.F. Chang's Kung-pao was the absolute worst. It was basically chicken bits deep fried and soaked in soy sauce, long red pepper sticks and then finished off with a drizzle of peanuts. Nothing is good anymore. Made me wish and crave the food court brand, it certainly would have been a lot cheaper, a lot less pretentious and more filling. What is it about dining alone that signals, ignore me, give the best service to the couple, but to the chubby black woman in the corner, please ignore her unless she's choking. They didn't even offer to mix that sauce that they mix at the start of the meal that is a combination of hot mustard, soy sauce and red sauce. Intentional, probably.

If I made a living out of reviewing my dining alone experience, I would make a bundle.

But Friday night at Taurus with my co-worker made up for it. Very swanky, excellent service, and the decor was fabulous. The food was a little sub-par, I don't think they know what their signature food item will be, a whole bunch of steaks and pork cuts on the menu, not very interesting. But the decor was just to die for, you would never tell judging by where it's located. I see where it's headed when people get sick of that atmosphere.

Sunday night maybe going out, haven't decided yet.

So the surgery is cancelled!

So the doctor of whom I had the much heated conversation with in mapping out the guidelines to my very expensive surgery decided to call me today and cancel. She said simply, "I may not be able to meet your expectations." This is after I have sacrificed so much, I sacrificed my Xmas vacation, so I could carryover the extra days to this year, I sacrificed my time and effort and more so, I have already put in the time off. She's a CUNT! Plain and simple, I hope someone sues her CUNTY ass. Yes Dr Kavali, I hope someone sues your ass.

This entry brought to you by a busy day at work!

Past couple of days into the New Year have been a blur that I am hopeful into assuming that this year will be one hell of a ride. In chronological order:

a) I was passed over for promotion; reiterating my earlier point that I am not so smart, maybe book smart but not street, or office smart. It's even made worse because the people that were promoted do not have any formal legal training whatsoever, then why did I bother learning Transfer Pricing and Kompetenz-Kompetenz last year when a street smart person will overtake me every time.

b) Argued with my plastic surgeon just because I told her that if incidental costs arise from her failure to exercise due diligence I shall not be responsible for covering those costs. She thought that was "adversarial". I told her that was street-smart. She eventually overpowered me, and we changed the sentence to incidental and future costs may arise. See, even when I am street-smart I still don't win.

c) In between sulking about situations a) and b) above, I went on a shopping spree, bought the Coach boots I have been longing for, and $150 dollars worth of sweaters and pants - shopping frenzy. It was shopping madness in my closet.

d) Then, I fell ill. I am to refrain from painkillers and any sort of over-the-counter drugs until my surgery but instead I fell ill. I have serious nasal congestion. Did not step out of the house over the weekend, did not even get a chance to wear my new clothes, or sample some more New Year sales. Eventually I had to take some over-the-counter drugs, apparently you need your ID to buy any decongestant drug. I feel slightly better, not excellent. Hopefully, this will not deter the scheduled surgery.

e) At work today they announced the promotions and we had to smile and clap and pretend the same way Oscar losers feel when someone else's name is announced. And then she announced that she will be recruiting for a position above ours, instead of promoting those of us at the bottom, she will recruit for a new person and instantly they are several levels ahead of you, isn't that sad. I kept thinking, it took me a whole weekend and lots of shopping to get over this disappointment, now you have to go announce it again, and rub it in some more. I am just in mid-complacency and lackadaisical attitude right now. I will do my job but I will not strive to excel at it. This is the most-efficient I have ever been and still it's not paying off, so what gives then?

I cannot seem to win. I may take the Bar, pass it (God willing) and still not be street-smart enough to get to where I need to be. It takes a lot. Success is when opportunity and preparation meet, and I have both yet still, success just flies right by me.

Here's to a hopeful 2008!

How about that 2007?

Okay so 2007 is officially over. Not too bad, not too great either. I didn't travel as much as I would have liked, but the best part is that I still did travel, and I was employed all 12 months of the year, even though I was broker last year and bounced more checks than I would like to remember. Let's just say I was not financially aware and did not tune into my accountant's advice about paying attention to my finances. But now, it's 2008. I woke up this morning and I cooked. Maybe I will try to cook a lot more this year, enjoy evenings of fine wine out occasionally but nothing too drastic like I did last year, and go to places that I am sure may hold the key to meeting someone, not just for going sake, because that is just a waste of money. Let's not die single, please, let's not live single this year, please.

Last night I celebrated the countdown with strangers. I ended up going out to TAP and it was okay. OKay as in much better than watching Dick Clark, but not great as in I have had more fun doing remote things, and standing waiting for 5 bartenders to serve a crowd that's paid to have beers all night is not my idea of fun. I got beer poured down my shirt within the first hour, down my back and then across my big belly. The last 30 minutes towards the countdown were more serene fun. My kind of fun. Not the loud rowdy kind. They had this hot hunky cook (who I almost gave my number but for the wedding band on his finger) who served up a very good burger, and I sat beside some really cool people. There was this Indian couple, the lady is 32, new mother, she felt so out of it like I was, like I should be home with my baby. She said something that made me laugh, she said, trying to come out of the house, you have to prepare for it -- mentally. I was like, Yeah, No Shit, it took me two hours and 5 outfits to get ready and to decide which place to go, and I am not so sure I chose the right place, but whatever it was, I was just so glad that I made it out on my own. I suddenly feel like everyone between the ages of 25 - 35 got up and got married and I didn't know anything about it, like where was I when they made that pact. Another cute and kind guy that helped me get the last beer, and as soon as I tried to switch on the charm, I noticed his wedding band. Where the fuck was I when they all decided to get hitched?

But every part of the evening I would always remember. I especially remember walking across the 17th street bridge, seeing so many cars on the road at 1.30 am, city lights, building lights, the stars, and the cool night air, just orgasmic beauty. I kept thinking this is such a beautiful sight, I would forever remember this. This is how I want my year to be, unforgettable, serene and beautiful.

Happy New Year to me!! Let's get ready for another long haul together.