Misstra Know-it-all

I was watching this documentary on PBS two nights ago about the obesity, weight loss crises in America. Several overweight people were chronicled, people who were by nature overweight, and had tried and tested several different types of weight loss gimmicks to try to lose the weight. This particular older lady was interesting. She had gone through gastric bypass surgery, just at the advent of that breakthrough surgery and just before it her doctor had asked her to write down the several reasons why she wanted to loose weight. The list was endless, even touching on topics I would never have thought of if someone had asked me to make that list.

I want to wear pantyhose (Me - I would like to be able to freely find pantyhose in my size)
I want to climb the stairs without feeling winded (Me - touche)
I want people to look at me without judging me based on my size. (Me - They don't even speak to me at all)
I want people to want to get to know the real me (Me - touche)

Lists like that encompass issues that have occurred to you but you never really put them down. I know people would be a lot more interested in me if I was not so fat, no matter what the brothas say about liking thick women, etc. They would want to take a second look, they would linger the first time, they would look at my face and let our eyes meet and let them at least say hi if I was not this big. It's just the nature of human interaction, the way you look away from a homeless person on the street.

However, I got to thinking that this is my make or break year. I spent a considerable amount of time last night surfing the web for shoes and clothes. Suddenly that has become my latest and greatest pastime. It's somewhat therapeutic. Nine times out of ten I do not end up making a purchase but I always keep things in my shopping cart hoping to take the plunge. This has become my pastime because I am afraid to think of the present, because the present upsets me and clouds my mind and just puts me in a funk. But the escapism effect of browsing through clothes and shoes would take me away to something that is not immediately depressing, like playing dress up in my brain.

In this make or break year, I have to decide, what do I need to do to make it this year or leave this country and call it quits. Then I thought, maybe I will make a list of all the great things about living in this country. I got up to number 2, and thought maybe the reverse would work, all the things I would hate to revisit in my old country. Either way one of these lists, if they ever get written, if I ever drag myself away from macys.com/bloomingdales.com, would determine if there is anything worth fighting for, if it's time to change this status quo for the better or worse by making a drastic decision to the left, and truly solidify this year as the make or break year of my adult life.