A month later.
I sleep well. Very well actually. So well that but for one night last week I haven't had the need to reach for my sleeping pills. It baffles me that I sleep soundly now ever since I ended things with him. Him that doesn't even have a code name on this journal. I didn't know him long enough for me to give him one.
But ever since the anxiety, anticipation and over-analyzing of every word, text, story, touch, action, ever since that was removed, I sleep so much better. The same thing happened last year with Trouble. Except for him there was a brief moment of exasperation and befuddlement but once that was worked out, I just got over myself and started sleeping a lot better.
With the 2012 version, the recovery was instant. As soon as we instituted the 2 week hiatus, I started sleeping better. When it was over, there was a little anxiety (and stupid excitement) over, "Are we getting back together or not?" But once that mystery was resolved last week, I felt like a weight was lifted off and I didn't have to watch my phone and wonder, "Will he call, will he text, if he texts what will he say?" Just so much to worry about. Now I am filled with different thoughts. Like "Why didn't I know he was a fraud when he said this, this and that?" "Why was I so naive?" 2012 was such a liar. "So that's what he meant when he said this, this and that?" I'm such a dweeb.
Even with all these years of being played and you think you've learned every trick in the book, you still end up letting your guard down and succumbing to some 2012 version of Trouble. At some point I had my heart intact, I had my senses intact and I couldn't care less if he called or not. At some point his calls and texts with status updates was beginning to annoy/irritate me. But then something happened and I caved. In between the birthday dinner and taking me to the airport for my birthday trip, I just became this googly eyed mama. Not a good look. Once I lost my power he gained his and then proceeded to trample all over my feelings. Ignoring me became the M.O. This is the same cat I ignored not too long ago. I am still flummoxed by it all. But the good thing is, I am getting some sleep. And I haven't been tempted to call or text him once. I can say I have matured a bit since the events of last year.
