Today is the last day of January. I am so glad this stupid month is over, and hopefully this month is not reflective of what the whole year holds. I don't know why but January's are always disappointing. You expect so much from the New Year and you expect it to happen immediately or to transpire somewhat slowly, instead you are handed down the same humdrum that you ran away from in the previous year. The same stillness of your destiny.

Hopefully, there will be a significant amount of change in the coming months.

why do I think of you on a night like this. Your face adorns my wall and I flicker at the weakness of your smile whenever you do smile.

why do I seldom think of you and me, and what if at all, could be, if I were only stronger not weaker, beautiful not less beautiful, living in another time and not this one.

why do I think of you, perhaps only when I am high or stubborn or withdrawn as I feel now? Why do I wonder, if he is wherever he is, what is he doing now? and why does it matter amidst the propounding problems that I have that I would have to stop to spare a moment or two just to think of you.

why do I think of a laugh, a place, a story that I believed in once upon a long time ago, of the people who knew so much, shared and loved so much that they wanted to be with one another. And that one of those 2 people could be you.

Why do I think of you at all?

Isn't it sad, that I may have to live this life, like I have lived everyday of it till now, without you, without knowing you, and you without even stopping for a second to know about me.

why does our love ever even matter at all...if only to my myopic configuration of peace, happiness and belonging in a part of a fiction I created, becoming the non-fiction of my life...our life.

yes, I wrote it for him. I must be the stupidest girl alive to have believed it at all.

I had so many things I wanted to talk about today, but I am so hungry and since this is my 2nd day off in a row I promised my mum I would take her out to eat today, so I am thinking of Chinese buffet right now as I type. It's absurd I have a parttime job yet I spend all my money on trivialities.

I spoke to an apartment woman yesterday, she was offering a townhouse for 850, if I could afford that. It's more like 2 bedrooms, which would be suitable if I had someone to live it up with. Maybe, I should put that announcement up on LJatlanta. She blatantly told me I can't afford a place to live if I have a parttime job. That hit home in scary ways.

I also found out that the lenscrafters place that I applied to has taken down their wanted doctor's tech sign, without at most calling me in for an interview. They probably hired some prissy girl who would gladly accept $7 an hour. *fumes inside*

I don't know what to do. Yesterday, someone asked me what a good day in my book would mean. What would you define as a good day?

So I wrote down some of the "good day" qualities.

1) If one of the millions of recruiters I sent my resume to would call me for an interview.

2) Or even better call me for a job-interview. You know those kind of interviews where they walk you through the job and your paperwork.

3) If Keanu Reeves would walk into my life. *this is more like a pipe dream but I just put it in there for good measure*

4) More realistically, if a guy I found vaguely attractive would find me attractive too, and possibly ask me out. *in the ranks of good days, this rates as the lowest. Meaning it wouldn't be the high point of my life but it would be something new. The Keanu oe ranks as the highest*

I've decided not to make any of these things seem that important, when you do then they have the least chance of happenning. A good day could be, finding a dollar fly right into you like it did me one time at the mall parking lot. Or someone telling you, you look pretty, or you have a nice smile, or you've lost some weight, even though you know you haven't. A good day could be anything. It is as special as you make it.

So there you have it. I am thinking of enrolling in Jiujitsu, you know the ancient type of martial arts that Keanu did in the matrix. Nope, this is not some gimmick to feel closer to him so we an have that to talk about if and when we do meet, it is just my way of letting of steam, and losing some of this tonnage I've packed on my hips.

Update on a whole lot of things:

1) My phone still hasn't rung once. It is far more than upsetting, it is now humiliating and disconcerting. Every night when I go to bed I promise not to think about it all day, to just let the bad feelings go, to breathe and somehow, some strange way, it will ring. When I wake up the next day, no matter how late I do, I find that it still hasn't rung.

2) What's worse is that my horoscope declared my work week a C. This is far more upsetting because the last couple of weeks were called a B and see how they turned out. I almost cried last week, twice. In fact I did cry, on one occasion and 2ice I found myself forcing back tears. There has to be something I plan on, I pray on and I hope for that would give way and say, OKay this is the day I shall come to be. The apartment people I spoke to last week, have hiked up their price about a hundred dollars more. I could have bitch slapped the girl over the phone.

3) I really should get back to writing. It may help me get over this fever I have. This phobia of not being good at anything, waiting for the forsaken phone to ring. It may just help me stop thinking about the fucking economy and just kick back in my make-bleieve bullshit world. Keanu chronicles may just be revived. My website may just come along with it just for the ride.

4) I went for an open house interview last week with Archstone. I messed up big time. I can't even begin to tell you how many mistakes I made. I asked good questions. I always do but I didn't explain my present job and goals any better. As I was walked out at the end of the interview, the chap kept going, okay, so we'll definitely give you a call. Which is what they always say. If they would "definitely" how come my phone isn't ringing? And then they hand me all these memorabilia about their office. A cup holder, mints, a pen and a tee shirt. Looking at them reminds me of how stupidly I messed up. I gave them all away, all except the mints.

5) And lastly, I am going to start exercising. I have made up my mind. I am slowly moving into 1X category, I swear. I tried on a sze 16 pair of pants at the Gap and they couldn't fit me at all. Isn't that a problem? A quarter of my wardrobe is what I can fit into right now. The rest have all been shrunk sized by my overweight body.

Wish me luck on that one, and on a whole bunch of things which I have decided to do. Ooops! the phone just rang,m it's the fucking telemarketers, I swear I am going to hurt somebody soon over the phone if they don't get my number out of their calling list.

I hate to end on this sour note but life gives me no choice.

And the list goes like this:

1) Yesterday I talk to some apartment people close to where I work. The apartments seem nice, and convenient to work and it is at a low, low price of $625, yet, yours truly can't afford it because I have my car payment, and my part-time job which is down-trodden because of the lack of season we are in. I had to hang up on the girl on the phone. Now, I have to wait until something real comes up.

2) The racist guy at legal professional staffing (yes, I will say his name, it's Thomas Antwerp ) A guy I heard has gotten jobs for people who don't have law degrees, and know jackshit about law told me today, trying to phrase his racism politely, that he can't get me a job with my resume because my job experience is too unsteady. It's not like any of these jobs ever fired me, nope! He just felt it wasn't a battle worth taking. I think it's because I am black. Why! because last year when I contacted him, do you know what his excuse was? That I am too qualified with my law degree for the entry-level jobs he gets for people. Hmm...doesn't that sound fishy. I feel like blasting his name on every website at how blatantly racist he is.

3) Today, I went to Kroger and made use of their U-scan carousel to get cashback. There were so many people in line after me that I rushed outta there and forgot my $10 cashback. I was halfway home when I remembered, and do you know what they tell me, "we are not responsible for customer's lost change" I called my bank and they don't trust that I do not have the money in my hand.

I work hard, I got to work when I am supposed and I pu in my share of fantastic customer service, I search for a job frantically all week. Every freaking day of the week, I am online looking through the dailies searching for a freaking career-minded job. And this is the bullshit I have to deal with day after day. NO responses from recruiters, no positive responses, and then, the people I patronise can't even reimburse me my freaking 10 dollars that their cashier person snagged from the machine once i was outta there.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.


This is my reward for masturbating last night. I swear!

The fact that my mum just fucked up my very essential Monday morning with one of her outrageous tantrums and you'll-never-amount-to-anything-because-you-make-me-upset outbursts, makes me think, maybe it's because she's said that to me one too many times makes it so possible. Right from when I turned 19, now 10 years later and I am nothing. I live with my family, not married, no kids and I have a careerless job.

My horoscope, is saying something else, it must be referring to someone else, cos this doesn't sound like my week at all:

Partnership issues become a dominant theme in your life after Tuesday.
If you're single, suddenly someone will be there. If you're in a
relationship, look to focus even more deeply on it. Friday night could be
your big debut as the New Year's couple.

Your luck this week:
Love: A
Money: C
Work: B
Signs to seek: Libra, Virgo
Signs to avoid: Taurus, Aquarius

I feel like attending a rave, one of these racy rave nightclubs where the music is turned up real loud, and the people are all doped up and high on life or something and you squueze through good-looking people just to get to the bar. And the guys are so high and in need of a screw that they would hit on you and ask to take you home or something around that, not minding how good/okay looking you are. And in the morning you wake up with a hangover but still with a good memory of all your wrongdoings the night before, and you snicker at how dashing the guy you got to take home was and how on an ordinary day he wouldn't have given you the time of day.

Yes A Rave I Crave.

I am looking through ticketmaster right now to see who's coming to town that is affordable, I don't care if it's freaking Tom Petty.

For the past couple of days, I haven't been sleeping well. Maybe, it's the copious amounts of Diet Cokes I drown in a day. Today I stayed off it and I can't still seem to fall asleep.

I keep thinking, and thinking about so many things. I feel like I am choking, I am drowning, like I am lifeless, or something wants me to be. I feel like every single thing I had hope in has disappeared, like I wasn't meant to have hope at all.

My hopes of getting married and having kids---that is just almost impossible. 3 years and counting I still haven't gotten a date.

My hopes of being successful in a job I love, possibly in the entertainment business---I send out at least a resume a day and all day my phone is buzzed by telemarketers, that's how far my career is going.

My hopes of anything, affording a house on my own, doing something I love, being with people I love, most of all of travelling around the world, preferably Europe---that is impossible like right now.

It's like something wants me to be this hopeless, wants me to have the chance to be hopeless, to throw up my hands and just give up. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

That is why I can't sleep. And a whole bunch of things I can't put into words. Someone just strangle me now, cos' I think the fact that I'm breathing is the only hope that's left.

For once, just once I would like to get a call from a recruiter whom after reviewing my resume finds it worthy of a sit down interview. Just once.

This was my fate in Nigeria. I would post, send, drop them, drive down their walls, their offices and drop them on their laps, yet no one would call me. Is this a disease or something?

Am I not worthy of being picked out of the bunch, I wonder?

I know it isn't too much to ask. So for once, I'd like to feel like i didn't waste my money sending a fax to someone who's not gonna read it, or is rather gonna ridicule me over it. Just once.

I am supposed to be working on an all-important cover letter hopefully to be faxed tomorrow and this is what I do with my time.

I want a job where I shall not be faced with writing official correspondence, ever.

In other news:

I didn't quite like the Grammy nomnations.

I was expecting Vanessa Carlton to get a lot more, at least for Best New Artist. Her album is wonderful and I can see she and Norah Jones are gonna be the next pair of rivals like INdia and Alicia were last year.

I was expecting Mary J. BLige to get a lot more nods, and moreso, Angie Stone. You see I have these albums and I've listened to them so I know what's good. Remember when I talked about a group called Floetic, some entries ago, yep, I said they would be the next big thing. Now, you know. The nods were flying off the roof for them.

I wonder if, RHCP got a nod. I like their album, and Rollingstone said it changed the face of ROck music, where is it in all those nods?

I don't see the thing in Avril at all. I don't see why she got nominated at all. She, Ashanti and Overprotected, please. There were a lot more pop songs that could have been squeezed into that list. Was Pink in there anywhere?

My man Craig got only one nod. What happened to Walking Away.

Then, Nsync, yesterday's history, got nominated. They just want them to attend so they can get a lot more people to watch them lose.

I am happy for India.Arie I hope she wins this time.

I could go on and on about the songs I wish were included, a whole bunch of the mainstream songs don't deserve to be up there.
But one thing I am happy for is this: Dirrty got a nod. You can never underestimate the power of good vocals.

Let's just hope it doesn't turn to an Eminem show, and that Floetic gets to perform.

For the past couple of days, in fact during an irreplaceable weekend of my 20's (after all, this weekend in my life would never repeat itself and I shan't be in my 20's for too long) I have been doing some inventory for the company I work for. It was TORTURE.

The kind of torture that makes you see things in a different light, realize how mean and ruthless the managers are when they mean to extract the menial labor from their workers, and just how subservient people can be instead of speaking up for their rights (we had worked for 6 hours straight without a break and the management didn't see it fit to grant us a break and the workers didn't see it fit to demand for one)

The kind of torture that makes you wish you were rich or that you had made those "other" career choices earlier in your life, that makes you wish those dumbass recruiters for those less menial jobs had given you a chance at just a wee bit of an interview, the kind of torture that hurts so much you almost want to cry and and ask God, "Okay so this is how I get to spend the first weekend of 2003."

We did it non-stop for 2 days stopping at the wee hours of the morning just to continue by evening of the next day. It HURT LIKE HELL!

I should be sleeping now, being that I still have to go to work tomorrow, but I guess it inspired me more to put the pedal on the medal and search and plead and whine for ANOTHER FUCKING JOB. After it, I was sure I would need therapy. I kept singing, "I must have done something bad to desrve this, something in my former life maybe, or something that happened earlier in my present."

If you need me I shall be in the kicking my head against a brick wall section.

As someone on my friend's list said, I shan't see the bad side of this. I shall only say, at least I got to work, some people faced the new year with unemplyment and whatnot. My goodness from all of these is lurking somewhere. Hopefuly.

I went home and contorted erotic dreams all day. Go figure! I shall describe them except I am just to tired to type the stories up.

I am such a dork when it comes to New Years! I always feel that since I don't get to spend it with someone special I can at least spend it doing special things. So I did. The 31st was a pleasant day off for me, thank goodness! So off I went first thing in the morning to go see Leonardo get his ass kicked in Gangs of New York. Wonderful bloody film, sorta like Braveheart but without so much heart put in it. I enjoyed his manhood presence in it, and the scenes in which he pretended not to like Cameron Diaz. That kinda love I NEED!


I walked around the mall a little. Then, I drove home stopping by the church to spend some time with our Heavenly Father. I prayed, shared, reflected, wondered, and almost cried at some point, if not for the fact that I was surrounded by people who were also praying, I felt my eyes steam up as I reflected on the year past, and my quaint plans for the year ahead.

Resolutions which I shall not share, I am afraid.


From there, I stopped by Blockbuster and got some movies. Special one: Matrix Revisited. I always wanted to watch that. It was one of the reasons why I got a DVD player, to see Keanu work in the Matrix. And it was wonderful. Keanu, adlibbing, being himself, playing with that unruly hair, working his pants off, laughing, having a good time, me on the couch in total awe with my glass of white wine on New Years eve, what else could a girl ask for? It gave me tingles when I saw him mess up, when I saw him strive so hard to be a perfectionist even to the astonishment of the directors (who didn't look anything like their name suggests) it was a good time. I had a good time watching it, it made me feel like this man is human, he makes mistakes, and you have to accept that about him. I plan on seeing it one more time before I return it and possibly find out how I can own it.


I was almost nodding off to sleep when I realized it was time for the countdown. So I joined in on it on my bed and said a silent prayer for goodness all year round. For the positive, for God to take away the negative, (and the negative responses I had been plagued with) punish my enemies who strive to do me evil, and for God to bless this world so that we shall learn to become accepting of foreigners, strangers, and just people who are not of our kind. We tend to ostracize them too much. That was what the whole Gangs of New York movie was about. I guess it was a good thing I saw it on New Year's eve cos it served as an explanation of the techniques of these people I have come to join. It cleared my head of all the questions and wonder-ment inside it.


Most of all I prayed for LOVE. To fall in love, for someone to love me, and for me to be filled with the peace and love of God.


And if it happens to be Keanu. Hey! all the better. I know it's not. I just like to dream a little.



Happy New Year, all!