Shopping extravaganza

I am craving some intense shopping. 

Not your everyday, grab a pair of shoes at Macy's, or a pair of pants at the Gap type of shopping. The intense kind where you come home with bags and bags from different stores, filled with clothes, shoes, a watch perhaps and some electronic gadgets. You know, the good kind where you shop at an exclusive store, say Bloomingdale's and buy clothes that are expensive and cannot be easily found elsewhere. The kind that revamps your entire wardrobe, and urges you to find somewhere to wear your smashing new clothes to. That kind of shopping. 

I have been craving the Apple iPhone for the longest time too. Every day I try to find a way to talk myself out of spending $423 for a cell phone. The reasons are too many and the fact that there is soon to be a price decrease (so I am hoping) of the iPhone stirs to deter me from incurring such a foolish expense. I don't know if buying new stuff will make me feel better about losing out on going to "The Hague" or every other thing I have wanted and have failed to achieve but it will make me feel good, at least for the time being.

Bitter some

I am still upset about not being able to go to the Hague Academy. I thought as the days go by I would forget and get over this and not be so bitter, so riled up, so overcome with defeat or despair. But it is not happening. It does not seem to be happening. And it may not happen anytime soon.

Dreams that don't make any sense but they make you feel good anyway

I had a very interesting almost lifelike dream this morning. Just between 5 - 6.30am. It involved me taking a stroll with Josh Duhamel and I was pregnant, and he was cuddling me, and leaning down to talk to me (because he is so tall). You know like a tight stroll where the person has their arms wrapped around you and your head is in their nook and as he speaks you can hear the voice come from his chest. We talked about nonsense. Him going to Monaco? Go figure, it's a dream right? And how we started dating in February, broke up and got back together in April and then I got pregnant. And he described the period of separation as him "wasting his time." I just found that amusing because I use that term a lot, to describe my time in this country. I was heavily pregnant but I was not fat and my bump had rashes on it, red bruises. It was such a lifelike dream because his face was that close to mine. Normally, I don't see my face in dreams or it's about some imaginary person, or I wake up and I have no idea what just happened. But this was a good dream. You can't do too bad with Josh Duhamel, right?

Hopeless post-thanksgiving rant

Thanksgiving Update: Boring. Spent it with my family eventually but boring and predictable as hell.

Saw No Country for Old Men: Disappointing. Brilliant movie, excellently directed but no payoff.

I applied for the summer course and got accepted to the Hague Academy of International Law. Why you ask? The whole business of not being able to come and go from this country as I would have liked. It crushes me so much. I prayed specially for it this weekend. I even thought of asking God to grant me the ability to go. But that is a miracle beyond miracles and I have no place asking for that. I am not worthy. But it still crushes me nonetheless.

I just feel so hopeless now. Holidays are boring, my life is boring, my weekends are boring. Even the occasional drinks at the pub are boring. It's just like there is a sameness with everything and the second I try to instill life into it, I cannot do it. I would love to go to NY like I did last year, this time I have more vacation time and hopefully more money. But I cannot. It's just a numbing feeling. It's like something said, "Don't move, just sit. Still. For a really long time."

Update to Family Melodrama

It looks like I may be having a Thanksgiving meal without my family.

I called my sister today to ask her how she is feeling and recuperating from her liposuction surgery on Thursday. I forgot to mention below that the reason she couldn't take my brother to the airport, that made her want to reconcile ASAP with my mum was because she had scheduled her surgery on Thursday and knowing the pain of recuperation from that surgery, she knew she would need help and support taking care of her, the kids, and the family dinner. But she didn't factor in that my brother may need a ride to the airport. I suppose they factored in that I would be the one taking him to the airport. I wonder why they would assume that knowing how much I hate to drive long distances in Atlanta traffic. But anyways, I called her from work this morning, but she didn't answer, and she didn't return my call either. And I hope she doesn't call me this evening, because I may not be in the mood to talk about it then.

I get these emails from Opentable.com - "Restaurants serving Thanksgiving dinners." I may have to start exploring that option. Who has the best Thanksgiving dinner on their menu, or take a trip to Whole Foods and get me some duck and roast it for my private and very personal mini-me Thanksgiving dinner.

Today was dark and grey

Well, today had a tone all of its own. In fact, this entire weekend.

I was so looking forward to having a day and half off work to rest, get some paperwork done, and have fun, that I didn't plan it. Some things took precedence and those things just sort of dampened the entire weekend. Last week when my mum stayed with me, and I picked my brother up, they said, take some time off so you can spend with us, and so I did. But then my sister showed up last week Saturday and no one wanted to know who I was, I might as well live in Alaska with the speed they up and left my house, you would think I was a bad hostess to them. I felt hurt and betrayed and squashed and belittled. They left so fast, they forgot half of their stuff at my house, literally. I had to schedule on my day off to bring them their stuff that they forgot. So it was on Friday that I was to brave rush hour traffic and travel down to the suburbs on a Friday. When I got there they didn't seem too happy to see me. And then, what does my mum ask me, to come back on Saturday to come pick my brother up and take him to the airport. Everytime I think about it I get upset. My house is 14 miles from the airport, and their house is 35 miles from my house going the opposite direction, so she wants me who got to spend only 2 days with my brother, who my brother was so quick to leave my house that he forgot his wallet, to travel on a Saturday 35 miles to go pick him up and then 55 miles to the airport to go drop him off. Hmmm...

So I asked her, "Can he come spend the night at my house so I can drop him off the next day?"

She said, "No?" Some silly excuse about wanting to say goodbye to my brother in law, who didn't volunteer to drop him off either way.

So I said, I am not going to do it. She thought I was kidding so this afternoon she called me and asked if I was on my way. I said No, I thought we talked about this. I am not coming to do that. She would never ask this type of impossible favor on my sister, she would never ask it on my brother, but she would ask it of me, because she thinks I am single with less problems so I have time to spend.

She just set my mood off. I was set to have a good weekend before I had to squeeze going to the suburbs in my plan, and then after all the bickering, I just didn't feel right going anywhere. Not to the club I had planned to go, not to the late night drinks place. I couldn't even get dressed this afternoon to go nowhere. I was distraught and strangely embittered by the whole thing. I don't need to live in the same city with my family because it doesn't make any difference, they don't long to see me and that upsets me. If they don't long to see me then, why do I live in the same city with them, I might as well live in Alaska, and have Thanksgiving by my self where people cannot make impossible demands on me, where people who come to see me plan on it, and don't just jet off in the middle of the afternoon, and leave all their stuff.

Yesterday I was asking myself, what do I have to be thankful, since year after year comes and I am still in the same position, spending Thanksgiving at my sister's house, listening to stuff I really don't want to listen to, having to deal with stuff I really don't want to deal with. It's like I have made no progress at all. The only progress is that I moved out, and you saw how much of a fight that was. Then, I found quite a lot of things to be thankful for, and then, they start with their bickering and disrespecting of my time and that just set me off. So he couldn't spend one more night at my place? Like why? And then, he told my mum the reason he went with her with was that he would be bored all day sitting at home while I went to work. I TOOK A VACATION DAY TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM. And what did they do, got up and left. All he does anyways, is sit at home and watch TV, and it's not like I don't work 5 minutes from my house. That he can only spend time there when he is with his wife. Yes, like my home is so appalling that you cannot be there by yourself. It's just total disrespect and lack of love when you need it most.

So now, I am sure my mum has cursed me out and cast every mum spell on me. But I just didn't feel right doing it, and I wouldn't have felt right doing it. I know I did nothing today that was crazy fun, as a matter of fact the entire weekend has been a total bust, but I just didn't want to do that.

God help me to survive the curses and the bad spells.

Is there a Work Rant Label...there should be?

What is it that companies do not get? You leave Job A with Company A because there were certain tasks that you were asked to do that you would rather not do at this stage in your career. And you explain this perfectly and to clear understanding to the good folks at Company B, just before you sign on the dotted line. And then you get to Company B, and just as soon, they start with the same rounds of Bullshit tasks that made you leave Job A. It's like Job A and Job B so quickly mirror each other, that it now lies on the Company itself and the pay to differentiate what the fuck you are doing there, and why did you leave Job A in the first place if you knew you'd end up doing the same thing after all. Oh, the money, or the benefits, or the time off work, or the flexible hours, or the proximity to home, or the company culture. It has to be something tangible unless it just stands as a waste of time moving from one place to another.

Why am I awake??

I am awake so early today and with time to spare I chose to be online. I had a crummy day at work yesterday. I always feel like I am the fly on the wall in the company, like there was some kind of achievement pole and I didn't want to climb it. I keep feeling like there's something else I am supposed to do with my self, and whatever it is has evaded me. Then with that thought troubling me, I came home to try and find a direction for myself, I didn't complete the form like I promised I would and I didn't go to the gym, I just sat at home, sometime in front of the computer and the other time watching TV. What is it that I was meant to do but couldn't, what is it that I should do now, that would make a difference in my life. Weeks ago when I had these same thoughts, right after I joined Facebook and realized everybody else was flying while I was walking, more like crawling, I thought I was being hormonal, but this time I am not hormonal, I am just in a hole that's sinking in, in a person who's sick of being the fly on the wall, wh wants to move from the sinking spot and move onto something else.

Maybe that's why I can't sleep. I am just hormonally unhappy.

Communication Gap

Let me start off by saying that the new Backstreet Boys CD is good. Not great. But it is really good. Great was 2 CD's ago. But it's better than the last 2 before it. So if you hated those, you will love this one. If you like all those type of songs they play in between the sob scenes in Grey's Anatomy, when the character realizes that no one loves them, when the teenager gives up loving the guy, etc., then, you will love this CD. It might actually be great for you. For me it's REALLY GOOD.

Life has been busy at best. I am juggling many things at the same time that the evening is not long enough for me to get through all my chores. I had so many things to get through for the weekend that I felt like cloning myself so that one person will get through the fun stuff while the other does the responsible stuff like grocery shopping.

To top it off, my mum is spending some time with me. She had a huge fight with my sister, that left her feeling disrespected and I just thought she should come sit in my house for a bit and relax. Since she's been there, my sister has not called her, not even the kids. Isn't that a bit cruel? She spends her days doting over her grandkids, caring for them, offering them life lessons, bridging that ever widening morality gap, and then she leaves to calm her self down for a bit and they don't even call her. I was gravely disappointed. We spent Saturday buying them some Christmas presents. That is just cold.

But I can listen to my BSB CD and console myself into thinking everything will be A-alright.