celebrate

I feel like celebrating but there's nothing really to celebrate. Except that Keanu gets his star on the Hollywood walk of Fame Tomorrow at 11:30/2:30 my time, and that is about it. So in between my Monday in worker's hell, he shall be surrounded by adoring fans, the press and everyone else, beaming from ear to ear at his name embedded on the sidewalk. But then, that is his achievement not mine. I didn't pen any of those scripts, or give him any word of encouragement whatsoever, so I really don't have so much cause to celebrate an achievement I had/have no part of. But I can't help feeling like, maybe something is up. Maybe I should be happier but I am not.

I just bought my flight tickets to the Harvard Business Conference on the same weekend Keanu's movie opens. So I will be freezing my butt off in Boston with twenty million snubbish Harvard grads, as opposed to sitting in my apartment wishing I was somewhere else. Isn't that an improvement? I feel like if I dont do something about my life soon, something just may go wrong, like I am in this constant state of stasis, you know. Cryostasis. Maybe that's why I feel like shouting, letting loose, screaming, moving around, just doing something really. But there has been no good news in any of my fronts whatsoever. I am still searching for a job. Every Sunday I browse the dailies online and all the jobs posted always seem so way ahead of me. When I was a year old at this they wanted 2 plus years, now I am 2 years old, everyone wants 3 plus years. You can never win in this game. Maybe that's part of what depresses me about my state. Like I am just trying to "switch seats on the titanic" when I need to be jumping ship, so to speak.

I still haven't zeroed in on my need to celebrate at 6pm on a Sunday. I had a little nap today, which hardly ever happens. I spent the weekend indoors, as it snowed (why it would choose the weekend no one knows) and I read. A little less than last week but with a little more determination this time. I guess that was the extraordinary thing, reading, thinking, watching Keanu movies non-stop, cleaning my house. I don't know what it was about how I conducted my affairs this weekend that makes me feel like celebrating.

Perhaps I am on the verge of something that I do not know about, and I should probably start early, way early to give God thanks just so when it happens I can say, thank you Father. Perhaps not, because I have had this feeling before and I've come out of it with no good news, no cause celebre and nothing worth shouting the roof tops down for. I just don't know why they come over me. But I can say it is better than the sudden urge to cry which I get ever so often.

Well, to KR I am inspired that you've achieved this milestone in your career, especially for personal reasons that just inspires and gives me chance to hope some more on the impossible. I wish I were there, I hope that someday I shall meet you and you will turn out to be this great big asshole and just make me feel good about not ending up with you instead of this charming wonderful human being I have thought you up to be. I don't know maybe that would help. But I shall celebrate on your behalf, even if it is from afar. I shall.

He is coming to rest his bones with me

The first of the Friday Five because I am so glad I am still alive.

Well, it's Friday and my boss is "sick" and has not shown up to work in three days. But it could be worse, he could actually be ill. I watched the OC last night. I know instead of reading I was watching that fluff, I read an article on the writer of that show and how he is trying to keep it fresh, and imaginative and I just decided to watch it just so I emphathize from one writer to another and make my own mini suggestions.

Well, now one to five things, you really shouldn't know about me.

1) I still want Madonna's arms. (I said that the last time.)

2) Now, I want Hilary Swanks back from the poster for Million Dollar Baby, you can tell that backside is just tore up. How hard did she work out to get that.

3) I am still here. (the bad news, this means none of the interviews I went for last week has materilized into a job offer. I am beginning to think that maybe I am not a) cut out to be a "lawyer" and b) that maybe I am just not that good.)

4) I may go to Boston in a couple of weeks for the African Harvard Business conference. My friend works there and she thinks it's a great way to meet people. Hmmmm...more on that later.

5) Now, the good news.(yes I said it, good news, how rare the sound of that from me) Maroon 5 is playing in a couple of months at the arena, a mile from my house.(big squeal) Moi, lucky, you can say that.

Tickets go on sale on the 5th so I better get good ones. I am so excited about it, you cannot believe. I may even skip work that day and hang around the few delightful restaurants in hopes that I will get some one on one time with them. Yes, its me and I am still 30. Isn't it weird, that I am not excited about a Business Conference instead I am excited about meeting Adam Levine (the sexy fucker!) Now, you know why I have doubts about my legal aspirations. It's entertainment, it's always been.

The best job in my life so far was a writing job, everyday I pray I get a gig just like that. Join me in that prayer, please maybe it will get to the right sources faster.

If you are still here, there's something to be said for attendance

I woke up today wishing for certain things.

Sometimes, we work so hard towards chasing everything that makes sense that maybe we forget to wish, or long or just summarize our wants, our dreams, the ones that don’t particularly make sense. Sometimes, when I want to pray and put my prayer into words, like “Hey Lord this is what I want,” I find it hard to put my finger on what exactly it is that I want. The other day at my interview—to this very boring job—the lady asked me what my dream for 3 years from now would be, what you want to achieve professionally and personally. I really do not know. The Interview rule books advise that you say that your goal is to keep working here, and doing a good job, so I said that, but the personal part. I couldn’t quite put my finger on, for one, she doesn’t know me like that so I can’t be telling her what I want in my life personally, when the most important thing is I don’t know what it is myself. I told her, get married and have 5 kids. Something nice and simple. She chuckled. I mentioned this to a friend of mine, and she said, you know that’s not your dream. Why she thought that I don’t know. Maybe it is. I told her I should have said it was to marry Keanu and have a dozen of his babies. I said, next time someone asks me that that would be my answer, to marry Keanu, can you help me achieve that?

I don’t know why she felt that would sound stupid. But it’s true in some ways, not so much. Sometimes I think, if I married him, would I keep searching, would I keep bothering God about wanting a successful career, maybe that would close the chapter to all that. I would be his wife and not want a career at all. Or maybe not, I hate to sit idle, so maybe not. It’s just stupid, the way our mind wanders sometimes, especially in the morning, Sunday Mornings.

However, I woke up today thinking, that I would like to travel across the Northern part of America. Through Philadelphia, Jersey, all those beautiful obscure states no one thinks about. Ask me why I don’t know. Then, I would like to work in DC. Get a job with one of those magnanimous Law firms and just settle in there, being. At first it was SF, it still is, but that one seems so out of my reach. So at least I have put some dreams into words. That and marry Keanu, aargh! Just kidding. I hope he never gets to read this, he’d be afraid to work with me. Really I am not that obsessed I swear to you. Well, just a little.

Sense of the journey ahead

There must be some place along the route, a halfway house in time, where the runners may pause and ask themselves why they run, what is the prize and is it the prize they really want?

There's this quote on my user info page, that is near and dear to me, that sometimes in my soul searching for a purpose, for some sense of order to this life of mine, I recite it. It's so weird how such a statement culled from another writer's words can impact someone's life like that.

Studying has been hard. It's one of those things that I do and I wonder, what am I doing? Why am I doing this? And will this yield the end result of which I seek? And then, I ask myself what is that end result, sometimes you go round and round with your wants, needs and desires so much that you kinda forget what you are aiming for. And by the time all those thoughts go through my head, it's been about ten minutes of my time gone thinking, instead of reading. So in my reading hour, at least 60% of it is spent thinking about my aims, goals, mission, true intent and all whatnot with my studies, and I just lose it. Sometimes these thoughts pre-empt the study hour and then, I end up not studying at all like last night. It's me and I am here, and I just don't study. I just sit there and watch TV, or fiddle on the web, or write some poetry about KR. All in all, this is not helping my situation. But then, what could possibly help it.

I know I appreciate all that God has given me. I walk into my apartment and I am wowed by all that I have achieved. I think this is a slice of my dream, a huge chunk of it was to live in my own place, decorate the way I want and have my own space to create ad just be. And what I have has far exceeded that dream. It's like a slice of God's time enabled me to achieve all this in such a short time. I thank Him. I need to thank Him everyday.

But then, what else is it that I seek? Respect in my work, creative achievement, ability to work in my own time, the ability to escape the subordination that is the employment relationship. What? I really do not know. I am sure He is waiting for me to figure it out as well. And I haven't. So that's why I just pause in time, and just soliloquize.

Agency Meet and Greet

I went for an agency interview today.

What is it about agency interviews that just redefines the term "colossal waste of time." This one should have had it emblazoned on her logo. They make you drive right across town, pay an enormous amount of money to park your car, risk losing your present job, because you have to account for the time away from work, and all that, and they leave with you, "I can't make you any promises." And then, of course, you never hear from them.

Today's was even worse, because I ended up arguing with her. She wanted to know why my price range was so high when my experience time was so low. It says experience time, as in years of experience, but my education is rather immense. If I had student loans to pay off trust me, the asking price now would not meet them. They don't understand me or how to market me. They don't have any idea what my education is about or what I went through to get it. They just think you're here because you're desperate so I am going to make you do the song and dance. Colossal waste of time. I kept thinking, I am assuming you had to have had some kind of human resources training to end up in this position or did you just wake up and decide I am going to recruit paralegals for a living. I had promised myself never to do this, never ever do this.

And this day, I put down that promise in writing so it shall be legally binding, anyone can take this out on me, wherever you meet me, let it be known this day that I shall not attend any agency interviews again, ever, ever. Let this stand as true, and ordered. This 10th day of January 2005.

Signed Mystiqua

Penalty shall be set by any one who catches me in violation of these set rules.

I need to stop, Individual Employment Law awaits.

Culled from my personal journal

This is culled from my personal journal, the day to day diary I carry on occasion, so it is a lot more personal.

I feel emotionally wound up today. Sometimes it comes from my dreams or my unsatisfied wants, then I suddenly become overwhelmed with who I am and what I wish to become that living in the present becomes hard, a duty and I cherish blessed moments of escapism. It shall pass but sometimes it takes longer than a few to stabiilize. Sometimes it yields to my best work, sometimes, it makes me hazy and confused and at times like this I wish I could work, I wish I could pour this imagination onto some material. This time I cannot, I have to study.

I have noticed that it occasionally happens on Saturday night through Sunday morning. I sleep and wake up feeling overwhelmed with being by myself, enjoying weekends that are the same, and familiarising myself with my own company. Then, I sleep and wake up on Sunday morning hoping that there will come a time when my day would change and what I would like to change to.

Needless to say I had a very fond KR dream. This was even weirder because I didn't think about him before I went to bed (unbelievable as it sounds there are days when I don't think about him) But then, this dream I remember. He had just finished working out and he fell on top of me, placing his sweaty body on mine, his head to my chest. And I start to caress the nape of his neck as he slowly drifted off to sleep. It didn't matter that he was sweaty and stinky and pukey, it didnt matter at all. I remember the sensation of running my fingers on the back of his neck (a motion I have used back in the day when men existed in my life and not only in my dreams)and how utterly relaxed he felt when I did it.

Yes, that's why I woke up emotionally charged, as if what am I doing here? What is this, should I continue like this, can I continue like this? this is not good, this is too emotional, too lacking, too needful.

I didn't mean to whine it just came out that way.

And the obsession continues..

Premiere Magazine has Keanu on the cover and a very scintillating article of him in it, with praises and weigh-in’s from various people he’s worked with. Just getting the magazine from the mail box, I almost stopped right there on the street to read it, I had to stop myself after five minutes of perusing the magazine in broad daylight, to think, “This man, what are you doing to me. It’s 2005, why am I still obsessed?”

He is like my demi-god, the one that makes me stop, makes it seem pointless and then, it stops and makes sense all over again, like an aged wine, that you continuously sip, like the resuscitator, the instigator, the reverberation, the muse, and the object that I use to make me sail, and think and write, and create and wish that this was another time, and in that time, maybe there would be a cure for my obsession, for now, this is it. It’s 2005; do you know where your obsession is? I do. He hits theaters in February.

these three things

Two things I ask of myself when I get off work:

Read, and Exercise.

But all of a sudden achieving those two things seem almost impossible. Especially within the time frame of 6pm to 11 pm, the "me" time when I get off work. It's either my brain is too tired from looking at the computer all day and I just do not want to use that to look at a book, or my body feels like lying down, or I am just thinking of twenty million things at the same time and I just do not feel like reading. It's been only three days and already I lack motivation. I know why I am doing it, I just don't know or believe it is the solution I need. The cure for my job angst. The purple pill to my despair. I don't believe in it enough at this point, and the more I sit with it and let it ponder and ponder, the more it just aggravates me.

If no one has faith in you, you have to have in yourself. It feels good to study. I feel my brain opening up when I read. I just do not feel like it is the piano lesson to my lack of musical skills.

Every day I go to work there, I feel as if I am the key grip to some asshole director. The key grip that doesn't even get a mention at the credits, you know. What a crock of shit.

I had something else to write about, but I just can't seem to remember it now.

Oh, I will redo this main page sometime soon. The layout's been the same since I started this journal. Now, that blog is so big now, I have to look good for my "audience".

Oh, the heading said, three things. The third thing, I guess is hope. Hope that conjurs up motivation, that makes up my belief, that simmers my angst, and lets know it is going to be all right.

keanu moment for the new year

I had a Keanu moment in my sleep last night. I don't know what it was, what the dream was about, or if it was even a dream. All I remember is I woke up this morning and looking at Keanu's face on the computer just brought a tingling effect with it, like a deja vu, that is not occassionally there. Give me a moment and I'll definitely remember it.

I am here at work and no one else it. There are 3 people in my office and I am the only one here on the 3rd of January 2005.

Something isn't right about this job. I maintain this stance. If only God would maintain this stance with me, then, we will have some movement on this.

No whining, just saying.

Merry New Year

I just couldn't let this go by without putting in some kind of update to commemorate the 01.01.05 of it.

I didn't spend the day the way I wished. However I had fun. I woke up at my leisure at a little after 11 am, after all the alcohol, with little or no food last night, I was knackered beyond origin. I had all sorts of dreams, some good, some not so good, some involving ex-boyfriends with hard-on's. They were not pretty. However, as I stood in my kitchen sipping coffee, the view from the living room window of the day, seemed so wonderful, so fresh, so vibrant, like a splash of sunlight on your day. It was amazing, I felt so liberated, so revived, so happy to be alive; it's a feeling I hope lives on in me for the rest of the year.

I finally saw the episode of Cribs with Adam Levine on it. It was funny, insightful, kinda goes with my image of him, a young guy trying to be something he is not, saying things just to sound interesting. Just a trip! I missed their second performance on the new Years Eve bash thing last night, darng it! That guy must either have a stylist who deserves a raise, or he likes dressing up very much, cos he did look good and he always looks good, very Californian casual sexy.

Enough about him.

The first day of the year is almost over. This one was quite boring, I thought of going to the bookstore to spend the day like I did last year but I went to visit my family since they nagged me so much to be with them at midnight last night, and I just didn't want to. I went out in the sun and played with my nieces and nephew, I was actually spinning around feeling the breeze in my hair, flighty like some teenager, the weather was awesome today, you have no idea.

I have to stop here, this is sounding boring. I just took a peep at my books that were nicely delivered on Friday to sort of prepare myself for the long hard study period ahead. Just reading a paragraph and I am wondering, what am I getting myself into? I preferred it when I was lusting after Adam Levine, and thinking up how many ways I can possibly screw his brains out. Now I have to think about discrimination in the work place and the possible remedies and definitions. This is hard.

I am just reminded of the day and I know it's going to be fine.