Culled from my personal journal

This is culled from my personal journal, the day to day diary I carry on occasion, so it is a lot more personal.

I feel emotionally wound up today. Sometimes it comes from my dreams or my unsatisfied wants, then I suddenly become overwhelmed with who I am and what I wish to become that living in the present becomes hard, a duty and I cherish blessed moments of escapism. It shall pass but sometimes it takes longer than a few to stabiilize. Sometimes it yields to my best work, sometimes, it makes me hazy and confused and at times like this I wish I could work, I wish I could pour this imagination onto some material. This time I cannot, I have to study.

I have noticed that it occasionally happens on Saturday night through Sunday morning. I sleep and wake up feeling overwhelmed with being by myself, enjoying weekends that are the same, and familiarising myself with my own company. Then, I sleep and wake up on Sunday morning hoping that there will come a time when my day would change and what I would like to change to.

Needless to say I had a very fond KR dream. This was even weirder because I didn't think about him before I went to bed (unbelievable as it sounds there are days when I don't think about him) But then, this dream I remember. He had just finished working out and he fell on top of me, placing his sweaty body on mine, his head to my chest. And I start to caress the nape of his neck as he slowly drifted off to sleep. It didn't matter that he was sweaty and stinky and pukey, it didnt matter at all. I remember the sensation of running my fingers on the back of his neck (a motion I have used back in the day when men existed in my life and not only in my dreams)and how utterly relaxed he felt when I did it.

Yes, that's why I woke up emotionally charged, as if what am I doing here? What is this, should I continue like this, can I continue like this? this is not good, this is too emotional, too lacking, too needful.

I didn't mean to whine it just came out that way.