TMI Health Update

Well, I do not have AIDS. 

I think. 

They said my blood was non responsive to HIV antibodies. I have to ask my friend who's a doctor to interpret that for me, but yeah. I suppose I was excited about it that I took myself out to dinner on Wednesday night and then, I resumed my sexual tirades with Uninteresting Guy.

I think I am investing too much thought into thinking about this guy. He disappoints me in so many ways. Some of the new disappointments just started, to the point I think he may be having an affair, and I feel so dirty after we have sex together, like I've just been used, I don't feel special or wonderful or worse off loved.

Moreso, I am having girl problems down under that I have to get pills for today. Apart from that I think I should retrace my steps back to sanity. Everytime he looks at me, really looks at me, I feel loved for one brief second, and then, when we get into it, it's so dirty and nasty and it should be gentle and soothing.

That's my rant for today, about a situation I can stop. I will tell him when I do hear from him. That's another thing, he doesn't call as often as he used to, he doesn't inquire about me or my wellbeing. So, it's pretty unclear how I feel right now.

The Problem With Tests

I hate to be the bearer of bad news once in awhile but today is a bit shitty.

Remember the tests I ran about three weeks ago that had me broke (still broke) to bits. I call them today to inquire about them. The first one was okay. Then I moved on to the dreaded question.

"What was the result on the HIV test?"

"Ehmm...hold on one second."

The line goes blank, my heart is beating, I am put on hold for another five minutes while I search my mind and wonder do I have AIDS or what? I shouldn't have done this test, I am the healthiest person I know, it's better not to know than to find out and it's bad.

She comes back on the line....

"Well, ma'am, you can come in here and pick up the result but I cannot tell you over the phone."

Ouch. That hurt. If it were good she could have told me over the phone, don't you think? Or am I jumping into conclusions here. I am the healthiest person I know, I cannot have AIDS!

"Can you put it in the mail?" I figure if it's bad news I am better of looking at it in my car than in some doctor's office, what if I can't drive home after looking at it?

"Sure."

I go on to give her my address and she laughs when she realizes I actually live close by. It's not funny, tell me do I have it or not?

Now, I cannot concentrate. I cannot. I think so I am gonna die of this disease and never get to do all the things I've wanted to do. Of course, you know this puts a damper on my libido right now and I am just dull, cranky and chewing every single person's head off in the office. I suppose I'll get it by Friday so it's 48 hours of hell while I await the results of my life.

I had a good weekend. Saying that is almost scary as I do not wish to jinx whatever's left of it. *looks at clock, about 2 hours*

I spent Saturday morning with Uninteresting guy. The funny thing with the way I've become with him is I can look at him and suddenly find him irresistible, some sort of sudden emotion overcomes me and I want him, with me, by me all the time. I just kept shouting, "this is crazy, this is crazy." I don't know if it's the sex or just my raging hormones, or my need to proclaim how non-gay I am after the forced years of celibacy, but whatever profound doctrine that has found mehere, it is crazy...how did I get here?

How did I turn from despising him so much to forgiving his blatant stupidity and lack of everything I have ever hoped for in a man, for lack of everything KR, and for representing my eternal need to just settle and not hold out for the "big" thing. I think he knows the vulnerable position I am in for he has stopped sharing his emotions with me, he doesn't tell me how he feels about me anymore and he doesnt ache to share every free time with me. Perhaps I should retract to the I that I was before and stop with all the "craziness." But it is a good craziness, and it's been a very long time since I've felt this overcome by the maternal succulent part of me.

Then, I spent Sunday morning with myself in my apartment, reading a book, thinking about me and my love for the impossible, and thinking how it could all come to be, me taken away from all this normalcy into something grandiose and magnificent, to a place beyond my far-fetched imagination. My family called, he called, and everyone wanted to reach out and touch me as I was lost in my high but sometimes you just want to belong to something that is you, and not so much and not have anything that was of the past to come to you and take you away from that bliss, that space, that peace.

It was a good weekend.

I want to thank God for a wonderful eventful weekend. Walking into it I didn't know what to expect but it just took me on its own peaceful journey of bliss, haven and specks of love to shine my way. Waking up this morning I just realized how truly blessed I am to have my own home and to have the peace and tranquility of my own space to be and just retract into myself, my safe zone, my play safe, my inner self. Thank you for this welcome chaos, for the energy to continue in the relentless pursuit of happiness and most of all to seek love for I know that with you on my side I can achieve that.

Thank you for everything and everyone in my life, in all that I feel truly blessed.

Female in Me

I think there's a certain time starting from four days before your period to four days after it that has to be the horniest period in a woman's life. It's as if you can't see straight, even if you are not one to get sex regularly you still think of it as if there's someone on the street you can pull over and extract it from. I think that is the time when you make the wrong judgment call. 

As in this guy is cute, he is okay, he will do, he has a dick and he better use it nicely and I suppose he will do. Then, a week after you've moved well away from this horny time frame you start to wonder did I just do that? Needless to say I am in that time zone right now. Uninteresting guy stood me up last night. He was supposed to come over and spend the night. I had planned it out so nicely. How I would go to work this morning with a big grin on my face with my body sore and my throat dry from all the moaning. It was planned out to the extent that I went to the grocery store after work to get condoms. Me, buying condoms, trying hard not to get the extra ripped ones. 

But then, he never showed, He never called nothing, He just didn't show up. I do not know what to make of that. I could make of it something that I never want to see him again and I just want this craziness to end, but then I am still in that horny zone so I can't really make any rational decisions till I am well past it. I had a nightmare that he was telling my best friend that he wanted to break up with me that he wasn't into me anymore. I woke up sweating and convinced it was a nightmare because he doesn't know my best friend and I doubt if she will ever speak to him if she did. Most of all, why would he not be into me, I guess he weaned himself off wanting me so much during our week hiatus from each other. He said he wanted to get over me and the best way to do that is by not speaking to me at all. This is not an entry about him. So I shall stop now, I shall speak when I see straight and I am safely past the zone, only one more day left.

After the hard day I had yesterday I am spending at least 30 minutes this morning, websurfing to let off steam and just not feel like the work slave so much.

My friend from Nigeria called me this morning at 6am. She has hunky husband and adorable baby girl. She's bored with life, nothing to do except mind the job, the husband and the baby. Nothing else. Sometimes I wonder why married women tell us this, as if I wish I were you but you have no idea what I am doing. It just made me think of something that my mum used to say to my brother before he got married: Have all the fun now, with the women, the booze, the freaky parties, everything because one day the ball shall drop. As it was said in one of the books I am reading:
Eat Dessert First.

Uninteresting Guy and I talked last night. Yes, he finally picked up the damn phone, the stupid twit. I don't want to talk too much about it right now. I just hate to flog issues but then, again this is my issue and its repeating on my mind. If I say, hey I want to go out with this guy within two months I would hate myself and the decision, that's why I am not jumping into it so readily. But if I remember, eat dessert first, then I think, well, I might as well eat it now and wait for dinner a la night cap later.

There is so much to talk about and since the work isn't outstandingly unbearable I shall keep it coming, okay.

I think it is really sad that I watch American Idol. Sad. I promised no more brain-dead TV watching this 2004 and then I go devour the most brain-dead show of them all.

Why does this feeling hurt?
It is a familiar one and its somewhat prepared for, then, if I have known it all this time, then why does it hurt as if it's the first time?
Why can't I contain this passion?
It has been the warning from the exploits of old, that a curbing of the enthusiasm should follow those erratic throes of passion. If that is the case then, why should I feel passion at all?
Why does it even matter?
If there was a sense of purpose to this, to my greater sense of being, of becoming or approaching that which I aspire to, why does this minute detail of inconsequential uprising, even make a difference to the greater person which is me?
Why can't I explain it? To whom, and why would they want to hear it at all?

I had dreams last night, plenty. Some KR, good KR dreams and some dreams I couldn't quite decipher. Sometimes I think, I am too independent, I have created this person that loves her independence because it gives her the freedom to do things, explore things, and just be without holding her down, and then sometimes in my quiet times, I want to become a greater part of something that makes meaning of which my being is not really a part of.

This is just intense psycho babble and no, I didn't see The Matrix yesterday. I spent some part of yesterday reading, writing, talking with an old friend and hence just reflecting about my past and future, my wants, needs and everything else that would make me truly happy that the Lord may someday toss my way.

I thought about being, and what it was I needed to be to complete me.

Oh, that life would be so kind as to grant us a peaceful blessed week, give us the composure and serenity that is gotten from Christ's love, and lead us through the inner turmoil and uncertainty and doubt, and guide the way through the darkened paths that emblazen us day by day. Your Grace and love I ask of thee O Lord, inasmuch as I abhor sameness I shall accept it if it be my solace against all the drama. I pray that I think of You always, no anger, no impatience and nothing I cannot handle, these and more I ask of thee O Lord this week and always.

Amen!

I have been home all day and I plan on staying home most of the 3-day weekend. I figured since the restaurants would be playing the game which I am not interested in I may not want to partake of such a horror; also I might as well spend as much time in my flat as possible so that when I pay the rent of 635 I won't keep asking myself why I spend that much on the place when I spend roughly 12 hours or less in it per day.

Yesterday I dialed Uninteresting guy's number about 20 times. I shit you not 20 times! With my phone, cell phone, a phone card. I keep having this momentary lapse of judgment that is urged by the all sweet nothings he filled my ears with about how much he cared and cherished our friendship and wanted to make it work. I keep thinking surely he must be thinking about me, or missing something about me just as much as I am missing something remotely about him. I miss the fact that the phone does not ring in my flat anymore. I don't have anyone to occupy my time and tell me stuff that may not really interest me. I miss the fact that he cuddles up to my breasts when he sleeps as opposed to me sleeping on his narrow chest. Isn't it weird that I should miss some of these stuff now? I just wanted some sort of closure on all this, Him to tell me, I am sorry I do not feel that way anymore and me to say really, that means you never did feel that way in the first place and for it to all lay to rest as a very interesting (funny that I should describe it as that) holiday fling. At least I ended the 4 year drought, which is something I should be proud of meself for.

Something in my mind keeps remembering the time I told him (which is true) that I sometimes wake up and totally hate someone I am with, I do a complete 360, it's happened a few times and sometimes its the total opposite I could turn round and completely like them--as in his case. But then he assured me that he would not let that happen, the second he finds me sinking into the deep dark land of hate he would swiftly draw me back to shore.

Is it fair that I should remember these things now?

After the frantic phone call session which didn't succeed in getting anything resolved--I wonder why and they say aggression is the best way to win a man's heart. I just sort of came out myself and looked at myself, thinking that the same things that he admired about me I am losing grip of. He liked it that I was a strong assertive type person, who didn't rely on anyone to succeed and who had made it considerably on her own. I had shattered that illusion by succumbing to weak female type that dials dumpee boyfriend's number spastically on a Friday night when she is in much need of a shag. I just vowed to get back to that strong assertive person, and if at any luck I can convince my heart that he is not the one and it was just a temporary loss of sanity that got me keyed into him in the first place and I sit and dwell on all the things about him that I really didn't like (and trust me they are many) I may be able to do the complete 360 into the dark hole of hate as I have wanted, as I had several weeks ago been lured to (until the stupid child pulled me back) and as I should have. This should have been my break-up not his, and maybe it would be, if only I can get my head to fall back into my heart.

So I have not called or done anything drastic. I have sat home, cooked, paid my bills online reordered my HBO channels and gotten a visitor aka my period (wow! I am so happy for that)

Number shall not be dialled I say this with a promise and a vow and also a prayer for whatever's left of my dignity.

The Myth of Keanu

I didn't know what to expect from Bruce Wagner's cover story on Keanu Reeves (November) since he's known as a difficult subject to interview. But I was pleasantly surprised that Wagner was able to get him to open up about stuff that everyone has always regarded as sacred ground. I was touched by the freakishly honest responses he gave to questions about life's deterrents. Thanks for a candid, simple interview and some compassion for a star whose un-Hollywood attitude most people fail to comprehend.

Yes, that is my published letter to Details Editor that contains most of my words, a lot of the heart and some of the content. It's more concise writing than I ever could manage. I digress, how did this all start? Keanu was featured as the cover story in November's issue of Details magazine, I felt hey! you're a fan you want to write in, so there I did, a more girly letter which I am sure I stuck in here somewhere. I had forgotten about it and today I get the current issue, browsing through it at dinner, and Bam! my name in print, Keanu fan right next that smoldering picture on him. Gosh! that feels good.

As a Keanu fan, that is the most fandom thing I have ever done and the letter didn't sound girly or riddled with oh-my-god's, it was mature and it contained my most favourite word: Simple.


I feel truly blessed and excited about this. Truly.

Thank you. I shall be here all week.

I don't know why my horoscope is giving me the wrong ideas with this, I am not too optimistic about this week.

Because my laptop, dear aphie contracted the Ms Blaster worm virus from the Internet, it took me all night to sift through computer speak to find a website that offers some type of solution. And I am just de-moralized by it and work generally. In my effort to pay my credit cards I sacrificed getting a camera, now I am in a deeper hole than I was, with no camera and no money. I am in a shitty "relationship" that is costing me more than the fun was worth (face it if I hadn't done it I wouldn't have really wanted to go to the hospital) and the job market is not looking as if they are ready to embrace me or my resume.

I have underlined the bit that I really want to come true and let's see how it goes, one can only trust and believe in miracles, can't we?:

Your social life continues to look positive, and there is plenty of action, as Mars moves through Aries. You are willing to take the initiative, and arrange parties, outings, or get-togethers with your friends. But others also love having you around, so make the most of your current popularity. Venus moves into Pisces on Wednesday, so you will try and use subtle manipulation to get your way when it comes to finding the career of your dreams, or furthering yourself within the one you've got.

Good Part is: I bought a lot of books. Besides Bridget Jones's Diary original and sequel. I have bought quite a few imaginative books that I am dying to read. Every time I read the leaflet of one of them it takes me to a place, to the language I wish I could partake of, and I am suddenly jealous that the writer could describe some faint feelings lurking inside me. Four years ago when I first read Ms. Bridget Jones's tale I couldn't put it down, I thought it was hilarious and witty and whimsical, a must have for every woman who is afraid to turn 30 and become exactly like her. Now, I have put it down considerably, and I have found that as a piece of literature, it is rather lacking in substance of which it makes it up by being somewhat plausible especially as to the insecurities every single woman over 30 feels; like we are the burnt remains of the crock pot at Christmas.

The books I bought were:
Drinking Coffee Elsewhere by ZZ Packer
Bailey's Cafe by Gloria Naylor
Black Girl in Paris by Shay Youngblood
Then of Jemima J (which I read over Christmas) by jane Green.

The Bad Part is: I used my credit card to buy some of these books. I was stupid I know, after promising not to spend money unless it was an emergency.

If I had Keanu's Money

For the longest time I have been lamenting about several things:

1) Paying off my credit cards so I can take a vacation in the summer time (when I turn 30) to California.
2) Buying a camera so I can take pictures as a hobby.

So far none of these are working out.

I was so close to both. I had used my bonus money to do option 1, as opposed to option 2 which would have been a better bet because I really need that camera NOW, because photography classes start first week in february. But the credit cards had been paid down considerably until...yesterday.

I decided to go to the hospital to get a check-up, my first check-up since I moved here 4 or so years ago. I decided to do that for several reasons, the weight loss thing, the age thing, and the recent you know what. Without insurance that cost $200. Yes, $200 for a pap smear and yet the hospital I went to treated me like a step-child, I can tell they don't appreciate private patients at all. The doctor didn't offer her card or ask me to call her from time to time if I have any medical issues, etc.

It's time I got insurance, I can see that. The only reason I didn't get it is because I am blessed (knocking on wood) not to have those kind of illnesses that require a doctor's care. I get the usual common cold, cough, etc, across the counter medication takes care of that easily but I never like pass out or just have dizzy spells, etc, stuff that requires serious prescription medication.

So now, I am far from my dream of doing both. Since I work in bankruptcy it is so hard to imagine myself in debt. For the first time since I moved out on my own I was late with my cable bill (I know bad girl, aye) and my phone bill was sent just before xmas so bellsouth got it late and charged me a late fee (I should make noise about it but I am not, it serves me right). I just don't want to feel as if I am reaching the end of my rope somewhat with the late bills and dashed dreams creeping in slowly.

That is all. I am sure the regular scheduled programme is more fun than this rollercoaster.

Dear Lord, I may not be your favorite child right now and I hope there is a way I can make that up to you, I pray that You still find it in your heart to bless me this week, accept me as your child and look upon my melancholy, boredom and confusion with saving grace, with a solution lying at the end of my sob story. I pray that this shall be a blessed week, give me cheer and happiness and grant that I shall remember my promise to You in every abrupt decision I may make. These and more I ask of thee O Lord, Amen.

In an effort to elaborate and just talk about this to myself, I shall say exactly what it was I was up to on a Sunday afternoon.

I had sex with uninteresting guy today.

Okay, don't gasp too loudly, I can explain.

I have been horny for the past week and it's just been biting me that I have this guy willing and able to just do it and why don't I just end the 4 year drought and get busy with him. I know it shall make his day, damn! it shall make mine in some ways but hey, why not!


In between I wanted so many things to stop me. I wanted the rationalization of the act to preempt me, let me be virtuous and chaste and just all that sanctity and purity our mothers teach us, the general bullshit I have become accustomed to as a renowned feminist to wake me up. But then, there is that underlying fact: I am horny. Should we let this continue forever...it's been four years very soon I won't know what men feel like anymore they shall become a thing of the past. I tried to stop my self from wanting him so much, trust me he is not that hot, I tried to think Keanu thoughts to sort of let that sink me into realism, but nothing worked.

He asked me several times if that was what I wanted. I guess he couldn't beleive that I would hate him so much one day and be working him up like crazy the next. But yeah! we did it.

WARNING: The non-pg version:


What he lacks in size he makes up for in prowess, because he went downtown for about 20 minutes, like he could read my mind as in this is what I like so just do it. I almost screamed the neighbourhood down, as in Hallelujah someone who can take a hint! I get hot just remembering his face as he did it. The actually surging didn't last very long, when you've been sealed for four years it kinda gets hard for anything that is not kingsize to make a dent. Seriously I shit you not!

So that is me and my craziness. I hope I wake up tomorrow hating him just so I wouldn't give him the pleasure of having me again. (But I do not think it is likely because of his prowess down under, every woman needs that, someone to go downtown every once in awhile) I just want to wake up from this and think like myself again, and hopefully everything went okay and I am okay (I am sure you know what I am talking about) and that...I do not know what else to think.

I am a slut, a whore, a hopeless child, everything bad and naughty that's me, I have no self-respect, etc. Just tell me something, cos' I already know how I feel about it.

There are some things about me that I sadly cannot change and with each new moon I wonder is this one step closer to forgetting or changing.

I miss Sola.
I miss the times we had together in school, when he was 25 and I was 24, and we banged senselessly on some summer afternoons and passed each other the next day like two total strangers.
I miss England.
The best six months of my life were spent in the first 6 months of 2000, when I was 25, free and so high spirited, so full of hope for the times when I shall turn 27 or 28 and how independently comfortable I shall feel.
I miss waking up to Good day UK, having a cup of tea in the middle of the afternoon and spending my Sundays window shopping as I rush to catch one bus after the other.
I miss the person who experienced all these, if she were she where she, is can I go meet her and ask her to come back and live as fearlessly as she did.
I miss just being. I miss fucking, I miss wanting. I remember what it was like to want someone so much you could almost taste them in your sleep. It was an obsessive healthy want that I crave selflessly now.
I miss that.

Yesterday in the shower I remembered law school, being horny occasionally and wanting to have my engine tuned up/checked by a doctor. Sola was my doctor/mechanic. It was good. I remember that one time that I was so horny I just wanted to be with him. It was so bad I wanted to carry a sign that read: Please fuck me on it. Yes there was a time I thought that crazy. And then, I saw him right after the intensity had left me, and I told him how I felt. I remember him chuckling as he said: You could have just asked. Yes, I know I could have, but I was just shy I suppose. And then, we banged continously that afternoon and he asked me if it felt good enough, fulfilling enough for me. The next day he came to see me and I missed his visit because I was in class studying, studying for what you'd ask. The bloody Bar that I don't use now.

I don;t remember many things right now, four years, several countries, peoples and battles later, I just do not remember events in my past that good. But that is one I remember. I remember everything about that affair with Sola, the pain, the sadness and the continous want that begged to be quenched. I remember it fine, and occasionally I am pleasured by remembering the good, the quick hurried sex and the smirk it would leave on my face weeks after. I remember that. It's amazing that I should think of that on a day as symbolic as the 1st of January. Do you think it means anything?

I said to myself: what do I have to do to get him back, to get him and England back. I would probably give my left pinky toe. This is a lot considering I didn't want to give up anything, I mean anything to get Keanu (maybe cos that is so not plausible no matter how many body parts I give up) but I was/am willing to give up that to have a chance to have a relationship with Sola possibly in London.

So that's where my mind has been in the absence of TV, in the gutter, in the clouds and everywhere.

In other news, I kissed uninteresting boy tonight and the clouds didn't part, just my senses. But I could tell it rocked his socks, as long as one person is happy that's fine.

2004 - Cause and Effect

Happy New Years to you all!

What a corny start to what I am hoping is a very stimulating, exuberating year of sorts. It's so funny that when a year starts it holds so many promises and surprises for everyone that we start to wonder is it a good thing or a bad thing that we have yet another whole year in front of us. The only person who really knows what that year holds is God! If it's good or bad or in between, He knows, sometimes I wish I could ask Him just so I know if it's worth my getting excited.

Last night I sat by myself and sipped my champagne as the countdown went on, I refused to watch Dick Clark, I just slipped in The Matrix and spent the first few seconds of the New Year trying to decipher why Neo didn't take the blue pill or is it the red one, I forget. I could so understand why Cipher was so angry that he had not been told what lay ahead for him as he chose that other pill and went down the rabbit hole. Yes, they should have told him. And his wrong choice could not be re-written, it's so daunting to watch a movie that poses the question of choice, and cause and effect on such a noteworthy time as New Years, you start to plead with yourself that you would make the right choices in EVERYTHING and that the effect of some of your causes from the years past would not come to haunt you in the new one.

Anyway, enough of the gibberish, it's rare that I watch that movie so deeply I just normally sink into the eye candy and I am good. I guess getting old would do that to you.

Madonna said she does not watch Television. I had read her say that in one of her interviews, that she spends her free time reading books, studying, bettering her craft. No wonder her IQ is superb. I thought to myself, I really should do that I am getting stupid and dense and feeble minded, my mind is consumed with flippant worries instead of the unearthing world views.

So there, that is part of my new years resolution, asides from the obvious--lose weight so that Keanu just may fancy me, there is read, better my craft, spend as much time reading, writing and creating some ideas as possible, and let's see how that goes.

After that I spent a good part of the day cooking--finding out I am not such a good cook--and cleaning up, sadly taking down the Xmas decorations and just seeking out the day to try and get a feel of the new year, 2004. It is a bit perplexing initially. 2003 was a good year for me so I just found it hard to break loose of it. I found myself mumbling in my sleep a prayer that new years alone shall soon be a thing of the past, shall they now? It is so troubling to me that I had to think of it even in my sleep! Even in my sleep...the alone time is good, I have fun with myself, but I know it would be better shared with someone.

Here's to 2004, the year I turn 30 and to all my deepset dreams, that they shall find their way to fruition.

Amen!