Run Away With Me

Everything meant for you will gravitate towards you, organically.

You will never need to overextend yourself for what's already yours.

The Death of King Negro

Every day without the use of sleep aids or antihistamines, I tend to wake up between 2:30 and 3:30 am. I remain awake in this sleepless state until 5:30 am. I get to work with bags under my eyes and understandably irritable. When you wake up that early in the morning, you question everything. Every life choice you’ve ever made. From kindergarten to present day, right down to what you ate for dinner, asking yourself if for some reason it contained energy or multivitamins that have caused you to stay awake.

Of course, my thoughts always go to the inevitable. I ask myself what did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do better? What conviction can I make and be sure to keep it? You remember that text that you sent once upon a time, and sending it doesn’t seem like such a good idea at 3:30 am. Then, you think of some other text you need to send, and sending it seems like such a wonderful idea at 3:30 in the morning. These random thoughts continue to wrestle with you until sleep finally comes to your rescue.

I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean. What is it about? What am I supposed to grasp from the 3:30 am wake up call? And am I supposed to use it to get to know myself better. I know myself enough and some parts of myself, my decisions I don’t really like, some decisions that I’ve made that have affected myself, I don’t really know why I made them. Then, I make “better” decisions but I find it hard to keep to them.

What did I hope to gain from everything?

I don’t know. I do know. So many reasons. I try to rationalize those reasons to myself and maybe the more I do, my impulses will make sense. Maybe those reasons have caused me to wake up daily at 3 am.

All I know is simply this:

I am someone who is looking for love. Real Love. Ridiculous. Inconvenient. Consuming. Can't Live Without Each Other. L O V E. That's the future I am looking for that I hope one day, God willing, I will attain. And I want that person to describe me with such youthful enthusiasm that his face glows just remembering how much in love with me he is.

They say, when you lead with love and light, you can expect nothing but good results. Well then, my love and light is earnestly seeking...L O V E.

All Saints Day

I read the paragraph below sometime this weekend while sifting through some of my old work in my hard drive. I came across this paragraph I had culled from a book I was reading about 15 years ago. I assume the paragraph spoke to me so I added it to my document of extracts. I had to read it over and over to reconcile what it said, with what I was feeling. With everything that's been going on lately, the state of things in my personal life and some decisions that came to a head recently, I just decided that maybe it's time I do things different.

And that's the decision I am taking today, November 1, 2016, to do things different.

This Time Last Year by Douglas Hobbie...what depresses her sometimes: the idea that she could live her whole life without ever knowing what it's like to be herself. Alone. She knows everything about being lonely, she says, but nothing about being alone. Yes, if she's sick of anything, she's sick of being lonely but that has nothing to do with being alone...She wants to evolve, she couldn't bear to think she's struck with some inescapable self she despises half the time. But: you can't escape that person, that awareness, even though your life changes, your circumstances, behavior, priorities change...But you don't.

I ask that this is a good month for me Lord. That the next 60 days sees God work His miracle in my life. They say when you ask with humility God responds, dear God I am giving it all I got, I know only You can get me out of this. With everything I've got, I'm putting it in Your Hands today, please guide me safely to everywhere I need to be. I pray that my miracle is on its way and that even if it not this week that I shall observe the Lord's teaching as I carry out my life this month as I await it. I pray for forgiveness, mercy, restoration and for the Lord to inspire my 'truly original" idea. Protect me from all evil and lead me through life's turmoils with Jesus steady hand guiding me through. In Jesus name I ask this of you O Lord in my life always. Amen.