A couple of nights and afternoons spent together...

I'd like to believe I know what I am doing but I don't. I like to believe I can stop at any time but I cannot. I will not. It would hurt too much, if I stop it or if he. People say it's just because of the good sex, but it's not. It's the in-betweens. The laughter, the tenderness, the listening and the foolishness. It's the in-betweens that I am starting to fall for. It's the moments when I find myself laughing for no utter reason and... it's the sex too.

Trust me I don't know what I am doing. I wish I could wave a wand and determine that he felt the same way, but I don't think so. In the faint back of my mind, I am almost certain that he's promised to another. I don't know why, it's just a gut feeling. He said something yesterday that caused me to pause. Two things actually: He said, say goodbye to me now unless it would hurt really much; and, in a month that I would hate him at first but may still want to be his friend. 

I think it's the latter that confirmed my fear. This is "attorney" guy all over again. A month from now, it's his birthday and if you're reading this you know what happened with "attorney" guy and the ill-fated birthday. I just don't even want to think about it. Once guys say it's their birthday I just instinctly remove myself from that equation. Let's not pretend that we can make plans together because I'm certain, almost positive, you've made plans with another. This is not being pessimistic, it's being realistic. So, what do I do?

Brace myself. Brace myself for another crash landing...and then, hope, because just as soon as I thought I would never feel again, I did, so after him, I know I will for another. I just have to brace myself and wait for what's mine.

Relocation Halted

I haven't been sleeping well. For months now actually, so it's not an immediate need. The relocation plan does not seem to be working right now. At every point in the plan, I've encountered issues/delays, unforeseen events. I don't even have anywhere to live at the end of this month. I thought I'd be up and moving to some land great and beyond, fresh starting it all the way to the bank. But that has not (is yet to)come to be. I understand God's reason for delaying my exit. Maybe it is not time yet, maybe there's so much more I need to be, need to achieve where I am that would be deterred if I leave. I understand and appreciate that. I just don't know what those motives or reasons are, and since I cannot substantiate them, I kinda really want to leave.

For example. Some guy that claims that he likes me asked to take me out to dinner. Out of the goodness of my heart and respect for his budget, I suggested Taco Mac. I know girls that wouldn't even think of doing something like that, their exclusive champagne taste is theirs, part and parcel of them, take it as part of the package or none at all. But me, I am too considerate. So we go to dinner. I know this place well and have memorized their menu. When I go there, I spend nothing less than $25 on myself. Two drinks or more for me plus tip usually gets me to this amount. But with this guy I order a $7.59 entree and a $7 drink, total about $16 plus tax, I suppose. The check arrives and he hesitates to pay. He just leaves the check sitting there like the elephant in the room, hoping that I would reach into my wallet. When he finally pays, he asserts emphatically, "And you're getting dinner next!" In the course of further conversation, he said, he doesn't understand why girls don't want to go Dutch! Really, you asked me out to dinner. I didn't ask you. Why would I go Dutch when I could go solo and have a much better time.

On the way to my car, I told him that I was being kind when I suggested Taco Mac. That to be frank, I don't go to Taco Mac for "dinner." I go there on my way to and from the grocery store, as a pit stop. "Dinner" would be a 4 or 5 star place. So, he cannot afford me, even I can't afford myself but I try to accommodate my champagne taste to the best of my ability. Someone who wants to date me would need to know that it is part of the package. Taking me to Taco Mac doesn't make you a mac-daddy in my eyes. Not even close.  

I don't know if this trend or dirth of quality men is predominant in Atlanta men or just men in general. Why would you even tell me that, "Next time I am getting dinner" mother fucker?

I just need to get out of here, that's it and that's all.

Spring Wine Highway Weekend

Went once again to North Georgia for the Spring Wine Highway Weekend, or what one fellow wine enthusiast chose to call it...heaven! The weather was just heavenly, superb for wine tasting with some light bread crackers and I chose Rose and sparkling wine as my wine of choice, and it was a perfect accent to the day. I couldn't ask for a better day, a better finish to a tumultuous week. Fabulous darling, just fabulous. Sitting out on that porch overlooking the mountains, the cascading greenery with the grapes and luscious landscaping, with the sun just warm enough to lightly kiss my skin not burn it, and then take the edge off the alcohol but make me feel good enough, light enough to float with the intermittent breeze. It was fabulous. A scene I would always remember, wish I could share with that special someone but I'm thus glad to have experienced. One of the best Saturdays I've had in Georgia...bar none.

Makes doing you not that bad after all. 

March 17th - St. Patrick's Day

This year I decided to celebrate St. Patrick's Day the way I want to and not rely on someone or something to be put in place for me to enjoy my day.

Last year, a friend of mine decided to set me up on St. Patrick's Day which I thought would be a good idea...I mean St. Paddy's would never do me wrong, not on his day. I thought we'd all go out, drink some green beer and just have a heck of a good time. Not so fast. The date was a disaster. We ddn't go anywhere that had anything remotely resembling green beer and we didn't dance with any leprechauns, wear green outfits or just generally let our St. Paddy's hair down. We sat in a normal restaurant, that was dead empty, if I remember correctly, I think we were the only diners, and we had flatbread pizza. We also ended up, in some way, talking about religion. You know that never goes well especially with someone you hardly know.

So this year, with no dates lined up, blind or otherwise, I just did my own thing. Unfortunately for me, the bars, mainly the Irish pubs had chosen this year, out of all the years to scale back on their St. Patrick's Day fun. There was no Irish band playing folk music, no green beer, no sponsorship by the reputable beer companies or radio stations, and worse, no special Irish menu. It was a recession clad St. Patrick's Day. You would think the mix of green would encourage it to be recession proof. Not so much.

In that space, I just decided to make the best of it. I sat down with some eager drinkers, and chatted about life, love and parties, and all the things we wish we could be doing with our lives but cannot because of this damn economy. The beer helped us ease into the intensity of the conversation. We carefully avoided the topic of religion! In the end it was not earth shattering fun. It's not the best St. Patrick's Day I've had. The best was seeing Nickelback in concert followed by seeing Adele in concert. I haven't been able to top those 2 in terms of fun level again. It's just been ho-hum celebrations. I'd say the worst was last years, which I will generally not like to repeat.

I suppose the moral of this story is to do what you love and not get suckered into making plans with strangers (or in my case a blind date) on a day that you should and are required to have fun.

Moving on to the next segment

Isn't it surprising how I often feel the need to write once I'm going through another one of my emotional roller coasters? Yes, this one, I completely fell in this one. Completely.

So following the note below. I decided to sleep with "Trouble" (the code name for the new guy I like). I did this for several reasons, one to prove to myself that he is a man not a myth. Most of the men I like I start to hate them a teensy weensy bit after sleeping with them (don't ask me why, it just happens) So I thought that hate sex would kick in and I would hate him. Then, I also thought, what if he's bad at it? Even better! There's no way you can continue to like him after horrible sex. 

Well, really. This is just like my theory of Keanu, I keep thinking what if I meet him and he's a total jerk. It would prove he's a man not a demi-super-cool god like I've made him out to be. But I haven't met him so I am yet to debunk this theory. But then, I have slept with Trouble. And to tell you the truth, it was awesome. 

I can't stop thinking about it. Words cannot describe it. It was just amazing. Hate sex out of the window. I find myself beaming, during and after it and I kept thinking about it all afternoon and night. I kept thinking how nice his skin felt next to mine, how comfortable we felt next to each other, staring at our naked bodies in the mirror. For a brief second as I caught a glimpse of us in the mirror, I had a "moment". I remember thinking, "You are so fucked, Anita. How are you ever going to top this?" I know. 

So here I am. Trying to put it behind me. It may have been a moment for me but probably not for him. I haven't heard from him. Most guys call you after sex but he hasn't. In that time, everyone else has called except him. I spent last night out on a dinner date with another guy...I know, how unconscionable. You fuck one guy during the day and then go out to dinner with another guy at night and then, I spend the whole time at dinner thinking of my lunch-time fuck. How insane is this? I am such a bitch, The last time I did something this insane, I was in college, about 10 plus years ago. Now in my 30's, I am free-falling about to crash land. 

That's my story. I know this will not have a happy ending. I am not wishing that it crash lands, it's just that I know my love life and there's hardly ever any good in it. But somewhere underneath all the uncertainty, I hope something good comes out of it. I can only hope, right? Why don't you all hope with me? 

Spa Day with Food

Okay, so now it's March. The month that boasts of all things, St. Patrick's Day. 

As the month of February ended, a couple of thoughts went through my mind. One of them being, one of the essential reasons why I choose to go solo. The peace of mind that comes from dictating where to go and what happens where you are.

Patti Stanger, the millionaire matchmaker said, "Women if they really want to meet someone, need to learn to go out on their own - do not take your "ammunition" with you. Men are afraid to approach a woman if she's surrounded by a whole bunch of people."

Truer words have never been spoken. When I heard that I thought, she must have read my blog. More power to the solo traveler. 

However, on occasion I find myself asking a girlfriend, who's probably sad or getting over a breakup, to accompany me when I go out. Because I am used to dictating where I go and what happens (good or bad), I am immediately on edge and I stay on edge all evening, unable to thoroughly enjoy myself. I keep wondering, "Is she having fun? No one's buying her a drink, is that bad? She's not enjoying the play, will she blame me? This place might be too low key (uppity, quiet, bourgeoisie or expensive) for her." The place might be any of those things, and I immediately think she is not having fun, thanks to me. So that mars my evening and I end up not having fun. I don't meet anyone because I spend the better part of my evening talking to her, trying to cheer her up, keeping her company. And no one really talks to us. It's just not a scene I like. 

So that makes reason number 5 (I think?) on why I choose to go solo: to take away the hassle of having to entertain and fuss over someone else's enjoyment level at said place. You already have so much to think about in life, why add someone else's fun factor to it?

Then, back to the expense.

Most times, I like to treat myself. I go out to a nice high-brow "fancy-schmancy" place and pay for dinner in a five star restaurant. Most of the men I date cannot afford to give me that, and that's fine, it's a bad economy, wouldn't want to give them the wrong impression. Some of us are spoiled and like to spoil ourselves, I am one of those people. I often think couples have their companionship to keep them company, me, I have my solo dinner treats. I don't do this regularly either, I do it when the mood and the budget allows. But when I do get to do it, I go solo because really, not many women want to pay out of pocket to take themselves out to a nice dinner (seriously, if you meet that lady, let me know) and I don't want that promising young man to have to break the bank wining and dining me. So it ends up being a solo journey.

The dinner itself is usually a quiet, utterly enjoyable meal. The food is superb, the company of strangers is often interesting and comforting sharing war stories and escapism chitchat, plus the ambiance just makes you feel so special. It's like a mini vacation from the routine of dive bars and chain restaurants. In the end, it's a spa day but with food. You meditate (feel ultra special) while you sip and dine on some of the best food and wine. It's one of those treats we all should afford ourselves and most especially, we should try to do it solo because you wouldn't want anyone to interrupt your thoughts while indulging. 

Once again, reason number 6 on why I choose to go solo: to spoil myself at my own expense and not feel guilty about it, or so I can indulge in an occasional Spay Day with Food!

The object of my like

I like someone.

That is not a good position to be in, for me at least. If you've been following, I have crazy obsessive tendencies when I like someone. Well, I exaggerate. I make it sound like I stalk them. I just like them without even knowing why. That's not a good like. Because you're supposed to have a theme with your emotions. Is it their smile, their charm, their quick wit, their self-respect for you, God, humanity, or even their admiration of you may make you to turn around and like them. This is totally, totally none of these things. Most of the objects of my affection never meet any of these criteria. I just like them just because...sometimes because they don't like me back. Then, I feel the need to be in some hot pursuit to try to convince them to like me. Once they do, then I start to stop liking them. It's stupid, I know.

So, here I am. I like someone. I know little about this person except for the fact that they don't like me. It's like playing catch or something. I'm chasing this person and they're running away which thus makes me chase them even more. In between my chasing, I am being chased. Which is rare for me. But I can't concentrate on the people chasing me because I just want the one I want to like me back and then we can all live happily ever after...at least until I stop liking them...which really doesn't take that long for me too.

If you're still paying attention, it goes really easily. I like someone because they don't like me and I want them to so bad, and once they do and I know that I've achieved my aim, I loose interest and thus start liking someone else. However, getting this person to like me is so hard. Men are so stubborn. How do you turn them around? How do I turn around my heart to stop this stupid conquest knowing that I may loose? I've cursed myself out, rebuked me, promised myself many toys just to see reason and realize this is not going to work. We've been in this position before and believe me, it is not going to work. But wouldn't it be fun if it did though. I can't help seeing past that.

I just keep thinking how happy the sound of his voice makes me. How giddy I get when I talk to him on the phone, when I look down at my phone and see his number, how thoroughly elated I am when we do get to talk about nothing. It's not mind blowing conversation, it's just talk but it's great talk because it involves the object of my affection on the other line. Sheer joy! 

If words could lure him, I've tried. I have tried words before and they didn't work. If thoughts could lure him I am trying that to, hopefully that works. Regardless of what works, maybe the voice of reason possibly, I need to get it out of my system. Be slapped into reality, get a new hobby, or a new object. I just need to think realistically. I always have these thoughts that if I can have what I want even if it is for a short time, if I can have that, then I'd be good. It's like having your fill of icecream and then, you're filled to the gills and thoroughly disgusted by it. That's what I want. My fill of icecream not the deprivation or the temptation of it.

Till then, I will just continue liking from a distance so it seems.