To ring in the New Year I am craving a small get together, with me and a few friends sitting together in a place filled with books and wonderful coffee, swapping minds, intellect, poetry, written word and discussing our various highs and lows of the past year, and our hopes and aspirations for the year to come.

Near midnight we would push the coffee aside and pull up a bottle of champagne to ring in the new year, hugging and cuddling hoping for the best. At a little closer to one o'clock we would end this meeting of sorts while each individual heads home, sober and wiser.

Any ideas where this kinda shindig is happening?

Hopefully, next year it would be in my apartment.

haven't blogged in quite a while

I haven't blogged in quite a while and it's been healthy.

Why:
I don't think as deeply. When I have tender moments that scream to be written down I just nod and absorb them in my thoughts, hopefully to retain them in my memory log book.
I just feel that sometimes its' good to think simple, pleasurable senseless thoughts. Don't you think?

However, let me try and summarize as succintly as possible the past few days:

My house is filled with paintings. I got one for Xmas, and then I got myself one, blew up two of mine and framed them and then I am finally closing my eyes to get my only original one framed. (for the same amount as the last time except the frame is wood as opposed to blue metal)

I didn't get the camera. I shall hopefully move that expenditure to the first week in January I have finally narrowed down my wants to the one I want.

I didn't use my Xmas bonus money to get the camera, I used it to pay my bills, and then just spent the rest on useless stuff yesterday. It's so ridiculous that I can spend a hundred dollars before noon. But I shan't try to dignify that with some reason, I was just stupid.

Xmas morning was gentle and meditative. I went to church which was surprisingly filled with old people, I suppose they were the only people who weren't at home opening presents. The service was somber, not rejuvenating at all, unlike back home, everyone is so garishly dressed and rejoicing. After the service, I drove myself and my presents to my sisters where we proceeded to open presents for over an hour. I didn't even take any pictures.

The high point was me taking a nap before dinner and waking up to find my 4 month old nephew cuddled up beside me. Just opening my eyes to see that vision of loveliness and peace with his eyes clasped so tight made the day feel so good.

Friday we drove up to Helen and sampled some wine. Nice journey to another end of town. My sister swore she must spend Xmas some place else next year, in home Xmas just does not cut it for her naymore. I seconded that.

Saturday we spent indoors mostly. me trying to watch Pirates of the Carribbean and nodding off each time, and by 9pm I finally called it a night.

On Xmas eve I finally had the nerve (brought upon by so much alcohol) to tell that guy that nothing was ever gonna happen between us. He was sweet about it and it kinda touched me for a second. I mentioned him or the issue of him to my sister and she concurred, yes, he is a scrub and no we do not need any of that.

I am back at work trying to update this thing for the umpteenth time without my boss walking in. Any errors excuse them.

I just hate Christmas and New Years because after it comes January and January is a scary month, because then you have to come down so fast from the high that Xmas and New Years have put you on, and then, those bills are waiting to be paid with money that is not bonus-related. January has to be the saddest, longest fucking month in the whole entire year.

That being said, I just wanted to talk about...me.

I haven't thought about Keanu in a long time.

Not because I am amusing myself with this new guy.

And not because he is so mesmerizing that I sometimes forget Keanu when I am with him ( I wish)

I am just getting older and I am caught up with how to make my life better as opposed to whining and pinning for a man I may never have. I remember watching Something's Gotta Give last weekend and thinking: So I can never have this man, so I can never have this man, are you telling me I can never ever have this man, NO, so I can never have you?

Everytime he kissed Diane Keaton I cringed and something stung me inside as I thought, so I can never have you and it is sad.

So that is how I think of him now, as if I am finally laying down the torch of love and facing life alone to open my eyes to see what's out there and what I can do about shaking up this life of mine to possibly mean something.

I shall talk about something else next time, perhaps what I hope for for Christmas when everything actually goes quiet inside me.

Little of This and That

I am just in a rut, somewhat, because of several things.

1) I want to buy that camera (Canon Elan 7E or Fuji S5000) for myself so bad, for Xmas, or at least before New Years. I am like that when I want something I just want it, NOW. But I cannot afford it! NOW!
Pathetic.

2) I fear I may have said terrible things to that guy on Tuesday because he didn't call me yesterday. I didn't call him either but that is besides the point. I just feel bad because Karma is a terrible thing, it may come back to bite me, then I will be left wondering what did I do to deserve it. Should I apologize, and just say, "Hey I shouldn't have said that,"

3) I don't want to be at work with all this work to do, when it's a WEEK TO XMAS!!!

4) I got my mum a present or something I think she would like and then yesterday, she starts to mention something to me, totally different than what she wants for Xmas. Meaning go back to the mall, and get it for me.

5) We have an office Xmas party this Saturday. This speaks for itself if you know how office Xmas parties go....GAH!!! it is rude not to attend, but I do not want to go.

In other news...Brad Pitt turns 40 today. What kind of world is this when all the hunks I knew and adored growing up have turned or are going to turn 40.

Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp, Russell Crowe, any more...

I wanted to talk about you yesterday. About how I chuckle at your stupidity, how I wonder if it could ever be captured by the strength of a black and white lens, how it is amazing how that picture clicks in my breath.

It just didn't seem right. I have me and you have you, how content do I feel even without you in it, and you should feel overwhelmed by the idea of me and how impossibly appealing it may seem that this object could be seen as...yours.

It just becomes inevitable for us.

I met some mildly interesting young man the other day.

I went into Applebee's on Monday night to have dinner, and he was seated beside me. He talked a a little with me and he asked me for my number, so I gave it to him. He called right after work the next day and we've been talking ever since.

This is as much as I know of him that makes him the lukewarm solution to my dateless state--mind you I am not comparing him to KR, I swear I am not.

He is my age--29.
He works as mechanic, I think, for an auto dealership.
He lives with his older brother and his family.
He has a 7 year old daughter.
He is from Puerto Rico.
He has a red-neck accent.
He does not have a car.

You can insert loser/bum/lazy ass idiot at any point in here. However, after staying single for almost four years I have realized that I should stop being picky, to somewhat lower my standards (not everyone can be as perfect as KR) and to just let it flow.

He is nice and polite and calls me every day. I brought him to my apartment on Thursday night and he didn't try to take advantage of me. He was such a gentleman about it, he didn't even ask me to kiss him. He shook my hand at the end of the evening.

To me it's all about getting laid for Xmas. Yes, I do want to since it's been so long. But this isn't feasible, it's stupid, and I should really stop returning his calls right now.

On the one hand, I can't help thinking about sex every time I think of him, I shudder to myself and think this is my one chance at having sex. But on the other hand I do not want to sell my self short, I don't want to the desperation of this forced celibacy to make me do somethng I will regret and possibly hate myself for. I have been in this kind of situation before and it was scary and humiliating. That was the old me, the new me should act a little older and wiser.

Insert advice of the day here or tell me I am stupid, it will help.

I have been avoiding him for two days now. I needed some me time to do some thinking.

I am still chuckling over KR's interview last night with Jay leno where he described his turning 39 as a monumental event in his life. Heck yeah! I thought I was the only one who looked upon birthdays especially the ones that have you turning an age as if it were...some unwilling rite of passage. It made me feel somewhat good to know that we share at least that one thing in common. Then, he talked about this real expensive chair he liked but he couldn't get because it was over two hundred thousand dollars. Knowing how rich he is, it just crushed my heart so much to hear him think about spending realistically. I was like Whoa-o!

There is a reason why I like this man, I don't understand why and sometimes especially now, I don't accept it, but most times it's blatantly obvious. It's just sad, really, a sad love story to add to my other sad love stories.

Why are doing this to me...gah!

Sometimes I think this is one of the reasons why I am still single: I have high taste and I compare everyone to you. I often cannot concentrate and I think, why, what for? Why are you doing this to me?

It's supposed to be a busy day at work for me, but I've been filing the same document for the past 3 hours. It goes through one time and the next time, thought flurries just overtake my person and it's "why are you doing this to me?" all over again.

Will there every be someone that compares to you, yes, there was but I lost him, will I ever have a chance to breathe you, maybe when I stop thinking so much. Is there a reason why I am still single and stupid and just foolish about this whole thing? I suppose there is, but it may not have anything to do with you; it just may solely be about Me.

Why are you doing this to me?

I am not mentally challenged or stimulated to do or write anything unlike me, say a month ago, before and a little after viewing the matrix.

I was going to get myself a camera for Xmas, digital nonetheless so I can post and share my pictures online with much frequency. But I have been so confused of late. It's "get a film camera, get a digital camera, get a digital SLR." I just bleeding want to share my photos online and possibly create some kind of quality prints I can put up in my apartment so I wouldn't have to buy someone else's ruddy prints that have probably been reproduced ten times over.

So the jury's still out on which kind I will get.

I cancelled the framing for the painting. And I did a mid-week outing yesterday which I didn't regret. Not at all.

A Sunday Prayer

Hail Mary full of Grace, the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus, pray for us O Holy mother of God that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ. Amen.

Lord, give me wisdom, strength of service and grace to do your will above all. Grant that I exercise patience, and forbearance at life, its people and its shortcomings, grant that this week shall be blessed by your Holy hand, in everything that I do I pray that Your goodness and mercy leads me through. In Jesus name. Amen.

Effortlessly Cool

Forget everything I said yesterday. Because I went out today and I spent $140 on Artwork for my teeny apartment--that no one visits enough to appreciate it--and $15 on lunch, all these on myself, not a stitch for anyone else. This spendthrift nature of mine needs a cure. I wonder how rich people can contain themselves.

My sister is accompanying me to see Something's Gotta Give next week Friday. She said she would meet me after work and we'll do the movie and dinner thing together. I don't mind it, but I hate watching Keanu movies with my sister (or with anyone else for that matter). Then, she will start to ask the question that I avoid everyday: Why do you like this man? A question I have asked myself one too many times every time I sit here and always have to type an entry about him or that relates to him somewhat. She would frame it so inncently: I don't get it, so what do you see in this guy?

Then, I would have to ask myself seriously as opposed to casually which I do every day, what the motives or inspiration is for this unfounded, one-sided admiration. It just puts a mirror and a discerning eye to what I am going through, and sometimes I want that mirror and sometimes I am content living in oblivion. Then, in my lack of a reasonable answer, I just might say: Because he is a good person, inside and out. At least the side I know of him except if he chops up women in his basement or has a deep dark secret (a la MJ) then I would be put aback, but for now, he is a good person and it makes him beautiful to me, and that beauty keeps me hooked on him day and night without any reprieve. Now, can we go have dinner now?

I hate weekends like this.

Where I do not get paid, and my house needs cleaning and I have to go out in the cold to use my credit cards to Xmas shop (as opposed to using money if had any) And the worst part of this ordeal is I am not the most generous person on this earth. I love to give, if I am overflowing with money and my heart is cheery and I am ecstatic about some good news. But when I am not all these things, I find it hard to break a piece of what I have to give. That is not really what the Bible teaches us, I know, it says, we should give when our pockets are the tightest not when we are the "richest.". To make up I came home and addressed some Xmas cards for my former employers and a few of my friends who still bothered to keep in touch.

I know I promised I would keep the presents simple this year, but I would hate to be crowned the cheap one. I bought my nieces watches, and that's it. I feel like Scrooge since that is all I got them. I am hoping I can get them something else that's nice and cheap but until then, this is it.

I just did a little Keanu surfing right now. I know Somethings Gotta Give is showing tonight (a special sneak preview) at the mall I spent the entire day in but I didn't want to see it. What's the difference in today and next week Friday. For me it's a whole paycheck (if I can survive this week, *knocks on wood*) but to Keanu it's just waiting a week to watch him, no biggie as long as I still get to see him. I read up some articles about Keanu and his money. I hate it that every article now wants to concentrate on keanu and his money. It's a little distracting, I don't want him to have to attract undue attention in Hollywood and beyond because of this money. Can they skip it, and concentrate on somethng else, almost as if they are obsessed with it? He is going to make $100m, he is going to be the richest man in Hollywood...who, my Keanu, the simple man Keanu? Can we skip that bit and just turn our attention to something else...like bees attracted to honey, it's ludicrous.

I suppose he is rich now, because he was generous with the "hollywood money" all these years, cutting his back pay here and there, buying stuff for stuntmen, that was generous of him considering people don't like to be like that in this world, that is reciprocate.

Which calls to mind, the beginning of my post: my stinginess, and unwillingness to give. There is no strong reason I am just selfish like that. I see a deal I would much rather have it for myself than share it with anyone else. Accounts for the fact why I am alone and why I admire him so much...he does stuff I wish I could do.

I shall try to be a little more generous, I shall try. For God's sake and Keanu's. He is a prime example of God's teaching that says: he that gives gets in return.

In seven days, Keanu comes to a movie theater near you.

Who-a!

I am so ready for a Keanu experience. I have been for awhile, been secretly conducting my Keanu countdown.

So next week Friday, shall we say some dinner and then Keanu...

What a way to bring on Xmas.

Reading the cheesy Keanu biography in my car during my one-hour lunch break for the past six weeks, has been one of the most relaxing, therapeutic and enlightening experiences to have come my way in the longest time. That and watching KR in any movie, are divination ordinances I love going through. The book is slowly drawing to an end with just a few pages left and I shall miss it. I shall miss sitting there soaking up pieces of a life that are described with heightened accuracy and a splendor that can only attract a fan. I never knew reading an unauthorized KR biography would give me so much pleasure, open up a path of imagination and realism. Like now I know that he gets shit-faced one time too many and that underneath that handsome, resplendent facade is a man yearning to be left alone, for escape and for quiet of the storm. And who has his bad days too!

I like that.

I have so much to talk about but I can't seem to want to coordinate myself long enough to put them down.

Right now, the most daunting thought for me is that I may have to go the Diet Pill Route. I have tried to get this weight off but maybe my willpower isn't as strong as the urges I harbor and it often or not takes the place of good sex, which I know I can't get now. So, I am thinking, Diet Pills but what if they are bad for me and affect me in regard to my deep-set yearning to have children once upon a time in the future.

There are other thoughts too. Some Keanu related and some not quite. I have stopped thinking so much about the "career advancement" and moved my thoughts towards buyer's remorse (TG day weekend can do that to you) and my account deficiency status. In between I think about vacations and trips to exotic lands; every time I pass some weird type of clothing, I say to myself, it looks like something I would wear when I backpack across Europe, I would send my friends a picture of me from Rome and it would have me, beaming, wearing a cheesy T-shirt such as this. I also think of having a man who would share such interests: the love to travel and explore adventures over foreign countries. Then, from there it would go to my thirst for London. Not so much the people as the place, the beauty and serenity of some areas of it. Asides from the fact that they are blessed with the artistic hand-me-downs of America, I think it is a pretty tame place to settle down; quaint and surreal.

Then, somehow in between all that, I think of him. What was he up to on TG day? How I missed him and sat there wondering if he was bored with Turkey as much as I was. If he had more of the wine than the dinner, just like I did. I think of all other chaotic, non-traditional things he may have been up to on that day and my deluded mind wanders to the lustful nature of "superstars" and how they imbibe much too much on special occasions and then, my human nature thinks, he is too boring, he may have been curled up at home with his sister doing something boring just like I was.

It takes about a minute for all these thoughts to pass through my active imagination. But that one minute is sufficient...for me.