Unscripted Life

Sometimes life could be so scripted that it seems like a movie, like turning over the pages of a movie.

For example, Barbara Streisand, standard socialite snub announcing Eminem as the Oscar winner two years ago. I only remember it now cos I just saw the movie "8 Mile" for the first time and I remember how perplexed she looked when she opened that envelope and there was his name. It could have been anyone else winning or announcing it, instead that was the way it went. What a feat? I couldn't help thinking all through the movie that black people have been doing this whole rapping thing for years, as long as I can remember, as long as I've known the "African-American" male he has been rapping, trying to find a way to get his messgae across by rapping. But then, there comes this skinny white boy and he becomes the most revered rapper there is, plus he wins an Academy. It just seems a little too scripted, a little unlike life, except it is.

On that note, I'd like to ask God to give me a scripted week. One that He has perfectly crafted the storylines with His hands, thought it out and made it out to be Anita's life. And I pray in some ways it sets the standard, changes the pace, leads the way, and becomes something someone can one day sit down and think, "Who knew Anita's life could be like this?" No one except You, God, and for that I pray everyday, every moment, never stop believing there is something special about me you are yet to reveal. Only time will tell. In Jesus Mighty Name, Amen.

All That Glitters

I'd like to welcome you all to an episode of your favourite show: All That Glitters is Not Gold.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about some things, particularly the job factor. And while I have decided that my ego, my pride and my strong overbearing personality may be to blame for my wanting to move to another job, I have also decided that the other 50% would be attributed to my lack of investigation of the job/company before I made the plunge. The fact that once they dangled dollars in front of my face, I just jumped ship without consideration just showed that I was Shylock's Twin Sister, a close relative of Lady Macbeth. That was one of the main reasons, the fuel for the move, and then, the fact that the old one was not up to par, aka driving me batty, that didn't help neither. I just jumped without asking all the salient questions. This is the part where the "All that Glitters" term comes in.

I had a long drawn out conversation with my sister. You know the one who is afraid to take risks. And though I have taken quite a few risks since she's known me, this is one that has back-fired that has given her cause to give me one of those, "Be Patient, stop taking risks" talk that I despise so much. So I don't believe you should spend eternity in a position when there is no sight of prospect. So I do believe that you should go with your instinct. So I sometimes fail to weigh every single con there is. I just didn't want to have that talk with her. I have, successfully, with the help of a lot of prayer avoided it. Now it just had to come because of this.

I also think part of the reason that all this is happening is because I made a few promises to God that I failed to fulfill once all these fell into place. Not good. He never forgets. Never. So now, I am just gonna have to pick up the pieces of those promises and retrace my steps to them.

You can tell I have done a lot of thinking about this. You start to ask yourself, is it so hard to be happy in a job. I think the very nature of work is that it sucks. It's just something you hate and you get to despise it. Because it is WORK, it's not play. You're not meant to love it. I haven't met any everyday person who loves their job, not even my sister the "safety-haven" person. However, there are people, I know a mere handful (mostly actors) that actually love what they do for a living. I want to be in that handful. Really?! 

KR in his Matrix documentary used to want to train on Sundays (even though they were closed on Sundays) and that just blew me away. That means, a) he loved it so much that he wanted to be at work on a Sunday and, b) he wanted to be good at it, better at it. I want to get to that level with what I do. I pray to be at that level. Is it a life challenge that I just don't want to go with the flow of this day to day, craving the weekend, and cursing Mondays?

I have a lot more to say on this and my thought process, but I'll save that for the next episode of All That Glitters...

Lord's Prayer

Lord help me to accept the things I cannot change; give me the knowledge and the wisdom to possibly change the things that I can. All I am really searching for on this earth is happiness, a place where my heart finds rest, the peace of Christ and solitude for my soul.

I pray that this week holds for me the Lord's blessings, I ask that His grace and patience shall help me see it through. I ask that at this trying and testing time I remember to observe the faith and peace that is our Lord Jesus Christ. I pray that You help me be stronger, and humbler. IN Jesus Mighty Name, I pray. Amen.

the past few weeks

A week to my birthday, coupled with all the pressure of turning 30 and my apartment move, I sorta lost interest in going to work. I would wake up and hate myself, ahte that routine, and just want to take that day as a personal day. I would get to work and eventually leave early and then, hate it when the next day rolled around so easily. I don't kow if it was the tedious journey to work, or the job, the dingy office, I just do not know.

It got worse after my birhday. The day after my birthday was Monday. I knew I should have taken that day off because I know my boss, envy is her nature. She would want to work the birthday magic outta you. And she did, and we even had an argument three days after, and it's just been hellish. Everything that ever crossed my mnd about that job and why I should be in it, and why I shuoldn't have joined it in the first place, came to the forefront, and I felt belligerent that I didn't pay attention to the signs, that I was greedy, and that things are not working out 3 months into it.

As I type I am thinking of calling some of my recruiters. I don't think I can stay afloat and bear it all in too long. I know my nature, one can only take so much. I had to hold it inside to keep from walking out on Thursday, and now as another week rolls around I am almost tempted to do so.

I remember when I started this job and everyone wondered if I was gonna make it. They kept asking me how long I could hang in there. The pieces, the questions all make sense now, and I feel that victim in a horror movie who still manages to shunall the warning and tell-tale signs and moves into the haunted house that houses the worst ghosts/demons/monsters ever.

I just feel so stupid and angry, and just infuriated.

It is I, yes.

Many of you Geminis experienced difficult tests while Saturn was in your sign from late summer of 2000 until June of 2003. Since then, things may have lightened up, especially if you learned your lessons. Now it's time to let yourself recreate the dreams that you thought had died. Lose yourself into your own vision of the future, for you can create your own reality. Imagine it and it can happen.

A new week begins

Dear, Lord please grant me a good week. I am so perturbed about this new year in my life and a bit nagsty about what your Hand holds for me. I am praying that it holds goodness, and blessings from thee. And even though there may be pitfalls along the way I pray that you are there to cusion the effect. help me, Dear Lord not to feel this impatient and uncertain about my future. Help me to live up to the promises I made to thee, all this and more I ask of you, O Lord. In Jesus Mighty Name, I pray. Amen!

Jibber and Jabber

Someone on one of my friend's list said this:

...sometimes i come out of these (job) interviews feeling like somebody just ejaculated on my face or something and contrary to what you see in the porns, that is NOT a good thing, at least not for everybody.

Why do I suddenly feel that way?

I came home and ordered Thai food. Dinner is served in my apartment now. It's so cramped that it makes me wish I had already moved to the bigger better place. Because I like food so much and serving and dishing out food, that's one of the reasons why I wanted a home with a big enough kitchen. A kitchen should not be all crampy inside. The Thai food is kinda good too. If there's one menu I shall take with me it's the Thai cuisine menu. It's wonderful.

The good news is I now have my HBO back, it cost me $5 more but hey, I gotta have my Six Feet Under.

They told us during the wine tour that the muscadine wine should not be stored for longer than 2 years. Yeah, right like anyone can keep that wine that long. It took me two hours to finish it, and I had to restrain myself.

Lord help me, I do not want to be embarrassed by this, I beg of you.

Long weekend, hopefully I shan't feel like an ejaculated face all weekend.

Mumbo Jumbo poetry

Where were you when my head needed a rinse, when it began to hurt and I left it to gather the moss from the painful memories that contained mostly you? Where were you when I decided to wake up from the daydream that I swimmingly had become a person who I could recognize no matter how many times I had fought to shake off glimpses of a realism I had forged for no reason? Were you a part of that, or was that just me?

Did you see me?
I am the one with her head in the clouds wondering why the smile isn't so proud no matter how high her aim is to reach into the place where her heart cannot take the pain of her distress, and the anger that she cannot attain that goal that is set for years and no matter how she yells, screams and begs, she cannot hold onto the dream that the clouds have yet to redeem.
Did you see me? Or where you lost wondering why I had succumbed to being a lost soul.
I was the one in the dress, the bright red one with the slits, that refelcted inside the sin so pale, so worn from her scale at the pace you cannot imagine, and I walked with a certainty that is only known to the proud. But the wind blew me away, to a place that was far away and I fell and I hurt and cried, and wondered, why, why, cant you see me, I had worn this dress for you, for you I said. This is the day that you see me, that I can tell you this is me.
Did you see me? Or where you lost in the gaze that my sullen face has put you?
I wish you could see me, cos here I am.

I want you to see me.

For some inexplicable reason I have been singing, RHCP's Other Side non-stop for two days. Great song, not my favourite, but I have just been stuck on that one.

Work is blah! A lot of stuff to do, A lot. So why am I online? I just get caught up with being distracted by things I create in my head and I loose track of, okay, what are we doing again, oh yeah, we were serving discovery on someone. I just get distracted by stuff in my head a lot lately. I know I logged on to update about somrthing substantial but this time it has toally escaped my memory what it was. It

Update on being 30

It was a wonderful day. Everything went well and I thought for once I could hold off not crying until this evening, something happened, well, I just missed my friends, the friend network I used to have in Nigeria and how we all used to gather round at my birthday and jump up and down and make it fun, but here, not even my neighbor noticed it was my birthday even though I hung my birthday balloons at the door. But it's fine, it will get better. What a harsh community I live in right, good thing I am moving out, right?

Well, I went to Chateau Elan yesterday for the night. It was supposed to be a day over there, breakfast and then the day at home with my family, and that's it. The Chateau was wonderful, Saturday was so much fun I wished it was the d-day of my birthday. We went to the wine tasting, mingled with the rich; people who would think that you couldn't afford a place like that were floored when they say me there, by myself, well with my mum that they spoke to me like an adult, stopping by to have small talk with me.

Everything was fine, as soon as we checked in the first sight we saw was a wedding train, the bride and groom were just leaving, the bride her smile the brightest in the room. I thought, "Is this a sign, I turn 30 and there's weddings all around me."

I got into the charming room and started to jump up and down jubilantly. The Chateau knew it was my birthday so they gave me a card and a personal labeled bottle of wine (which I am yet to open) and then, our room was overlooking the golf course which was so serene, and we sipped wine and did nothing for a few late in the evening. Everything was nice and normal, I soaked in a bath, watched some movies and then, at 2 am, the fire alarm went off and we all had to vacate, This was hard for me because I was like 2 bottles of alcohol in so I really couldn't coordinate what was up. I almost ran out of there without my bra on until I stopped long enough to grab my purse and shoes. The entire hotel guests were outside looking morose and disheveled. Nothing like rich people in a panic to make you smirk. We spent about 20 minutes out there in the cold until they told us some of us were good to go, which included me. Getting to the room of course, you know we couldn't get back to sleep just as quickly. My mum prayed and sang birthday songs for me and we wound down to Showtime at the Apollo.

We left this morning after breakfast at the Versailles Room, went to church and had a little shindig at my sisters. I went home at 8 pm and its been a bit tepid, but its okay. It's not bad being older, its scary but it's not bad. I want more but I'll take this for now.

30 and loving it.

Today is my 30th Birthday.

I went to Chateau Elan overnight to usher in the "great" day, particpated in their wine tasting and winery tour. It was nice and quiet and serene, almost predictable until the 2am fire alarm wake up call. We all had to exit the building and there I was, in a bathrobe wondering, "Okay it's my 30th birthday this morning and I am standing here in the cold, sorta frightened to bits. But it's okay, something out of the ordinary. Thank God it's outta the ordinary." I got to chat with some of the guests and share some small talk which I am not a huge fan of. It was exemplary fun.

Back to the day, and the three hours left of it. It's great. 30 isn't so bad. I am not even gonna let my heart take a plunge into my stomach everytime someone asks me how old I am. I am not gonna let it the be the first death knell that ushers in the last winded days of my youth. I am not gonna feel like a stage of my life that I really enjoyed is over, I am just gonna be me, and let love of God lead the way. It'll be okay. I know it is.


"Dear God thank you for the day, thank you for my breath for saving me in the dark hours, for giving me the strength I need to survive, and everything that I am I completely owe to you, I am an instrument of God's work and I am ever so grateful. Please help me climb the ladder just the way you intended, let your love, peace and strength lead the way and it's okay if I falter for I know Jesus walks with me. In Jesus mighty name I ask Lord to be with me this year of my life, Amen."