It's amusing. The other night I was thinking of strange words as website addresses.

Like bliss.com. Bliss is actually one of my favourite words, description of a state of mind I wish I could be in.

Like anger.com

Most importantly, anita.com. Which actually exists.

I remember when I wanted to redo some of the stories in Simple Kind of Life, and then put it up on it's very own domain. Strictly for fans who enjoy the work and intellectual stuff.

Simple.com.

I don't know if that's been taken. I am very sure Keanu.com's been taken.

I haven't botched the idea of it having its own website, I just have other more consuming career oriented issues in mind for myself. Although at some point that was my hope of getting a directional career, my taking baby steps into screenplay acting, but now that I feel like it's not possible, I can move onto becoming an attorney as my vocation is supposed to be.

I ask of the Lord to guide me this week, a week that leads into next month, I pray for His blessings, His mercies in my life and His hand in my very direction. I ask of Him to make me humble, loyal and obedient to Him. I pray He helps me get to wherever it is I am in a hurry to get to and helps me get there in the time that He wills me to. I pray for my family, my sister in her pregnancy, my mum who loves and supports me hopelessly and me, once again that I may find the man that He decides is the best partner for me.

All these and more, I ask of thee O Lord, Amen!

Operation Get-A-Man

I splurged on a manicure and pedicure today. I know, it's so unlike me. I decided that since I am on operation get-a-man, hence the new apartment and liberated self, I have to try and engage my looks in some kind of makeover of its own. So from here, I shall shave my legs and get a facial and then, please try to attend the neighborhood gym 3 times aweek. That dream I had where I was getting laid has got to come true somehow.

I didn't go to church today. When I get back from having dinner I am going to do some praying on here.

However, this is my state of mind so far.

I shall talk some more later.

This lady that reviewed my Simple Kind of Life series over the weekend has got me thinking overtime about Keanu. Not like I wasn't already. There were these excerpts from the GQ magazine about him that I I have been wanting to inculcate in my journal but have not had the time to type. That coupled with my revision and inclusion of some new stories into the series. I thought I would get to it the second I move into this apartment. I had maintained the serenity of my back wooded lot to assist my creative energies, to the extent that I do not have cable (not yet anyway) and I wasn't in a hurry to, and I do not have an extra TV in the bedroom just so it doesn't distract me. However, that is not for now.

My house is in such disarray. But this is a good disarray, I swear. My family is here with me. The kids, oh, the kids, and then, my sister intermittently and then, so much cooking, it's like a private cookout weekend.

I have no complaints. Even though I may sound like I do. I am happy with my life. With the love around me, the fact that no matter how far I may run they would still come looking for me. Sometimes, life tests us, and this time I won't be the one to fail any of those tests.

But I shall still create. When the time comes. For now, I shall perhaps put it down on some paper or tap on my laptop like Carrie in SATC and hope something creative will come out of it. Hopefully.

I did say I may be jinxing the week.

A lot has happened.

My first payday where the entire amount of my paycheck is owed to my landlord and some other miscellaneous bills. Add cable to that too. I tried to install Dish Network and for some uncanny reason that can only be transcribed as my ill luck, my balcony cannot seem to get the service. That was the best fucking deal ever. All the stations for $50. Now, I had to sign onto Bell-fucking-south to get only HBO for $55.98 without tax. It's the biggest rip off of the century. they deserve to be shot for that deal. All the crew and CEOs of bellsouth deserve to be lined up and shot multiple times for this dastardly rip off. It's preposterous.

Plus. My family is staying with me. We sold our old house without closing on our new house on time, so now we are temporarily indisposed. So my sister and her husband are in a hotel while my mum and the kids are with me. I know I said I would save on my water bill, and electric, but with an entire family in my house it's almost impossible.

God is testing me I know. You remember when I told Him thank you for my new apartment and all the goodness that came with achieving that dream, well, I told him if He ever required somethng of me, just say the word. here it is.

Entertaining 2 kids without cable is hard. They have been pestering me about the fact that I do not have cable, like life comes with cable. My sister spoiled them. Completely. I told them this apartment is built for study and serenity. "Aunty, What does that mean?"

This is for another week or so, because next week being a short vacation week, no one will want to do any closing on any home when 4th of July is around the corner.

I just feel so shitty. I am broke. I have bills on its way. I just ordered over-priced cable, and I feel like I need a breakthrough somewhere.

He does test us, doesn't He?

Blessed Week Tings

It's been a good week. I say that even with the fear inside me that I may be jinxing it but they say count your blessings for real, I am.

On Tuesday, my boss left at noon to get her hair done. For the whole day. We, the support staff were left in the office to do as we pleased which was everything and anything.

This same day, some client of ours knowing perhaps telepathically that I was hungry brought us some oversized muffins from Dunkin Donuts. Now, these were good. The best muffins ever. I had a cranberry crumbly kind, that was good that I finished a whole one.

Then, on this same day, my boss had discarded her boxes of coffee, Gevalia Coffee mind you, by asking us to take them home. So, I did. You know I love coffee, especially when it's free, then you got me. Hopefully, if the coffee keeps on coming I may not have to buy any coffee ever for myself, well, at least for awhile. Did I quickly cancel my membership of Gevalia.com, yes, no point paying for coffee I can get free.

Then, today. She hands me 3 tickets to Six Flags. It's just a day pass, but the code here is it was Free. Free for 3 people. Free as the Rain on a hot day.

Then, I get paid tomorrow. Plus, I don't have any cases tomorrow or Monday. Isn't that good, so I have a whole day to just work on filing my documentation and hope that the phone don't ring me outta here.

It's been good. I thank God.

Kismet Keanu

I miss Keanu. Why! I don't even know him.

I am going to *crosses fingers* see The Matrix Reloaded on IMAX this weekend. It will be my treat to myself, and probably The Italian Job during the week.

I still miss him though. I feel like, this may sound stupid, but he just bought a house, and I just moved into my first apartment. I think that is his first official home. You all know this my first official space anywhere.

Sometimes, when coincidences like that happen you could take it anyway you want to but think, maybe, maybe not. But what if...I can't help thinking what if. What if he is my reward and I am his. What if I have no reward, God wouldn't punish him by letting him have me. But what if?

If only, I guess.

"Many nights I've cried from the things you do, thought I would die with the thought of losing you..."

Love by Musiq.

I am still thanking God for the grace and compassion He showed to granting me my petition of having a space that is mine. I am so grateful and indebted to Him. I pray for the will to maintain it, the strength to fight the battles incertain and for God's shoulder to rest when the anger brews inside me.

All these and more I ask of thee O lord, Amen!

I moved in this weekend. I keep thinking it costs me between $22-$30 a day to live here. Is this how people live how do they make the ends meet cos' good gracious that's a whole bundle, with that kind of living you'd want to spend every night in here. But it feels good, I can walk around naked, I can listen to whatever music I want without feeling like I am offending anyone, and I can go to work knowing that I have a haven to come home to that is inviting and mine. It does feel good. That kind of good feeling you don't want anyone to take away--at all.

I shall talk more, I am exhausted and I have phone calls to make and people to write so, perhaps at work, but I just felt this was my time to thank God for His mercies and His gracious hand in my life.

It was more necessary than ever for me to say that.

Guess who the dimwit was who gave a client wrong advice yesterday. It was so wrong I almost made the poor girl lose her house.

You all know it's me right.

This girl had filed bankruptcy with us and had fallen short on money so she couldn't pay her mortgage for a couple of months, hence there was a Motion filed by the bank to either give her a chance to come up with the money or to willingly surrender the house. This is what I do everyday.

My job is to call these dimwits and convince them to make this tormenting decision. Do you want your house or don't you, and if they do then they have to pay the money. And if they don't then they have tp let us know in time so we can pose no opposition to the Motion.

Of course some people do not know if they want the house or not, it is not a decision that readily comes to their feeble minds at all, especially since most of them cannot afford it. But some people just go hey, they got me, I can't afford it, so let them take the stupid thing, I'll start packing.

Some people try to battle it out and claim that they have paid their money and it was probably sent to the wrong address or the bank got it and is now denying that they did. Which is wrong you all know but debtor's always try to fret.

This and many other things is what I deal with. In between all these phone calls, I also have to file a lot of delicate stuff that cannot be screwed up unless the judge wouldn't approve them, so it gets kinda distracting when you have to take phone calls from evasive people.

Back to this girl, so she fell into the category of the people that are not pretty sure if they want it or not, but they know they can't afford it, hence they still wanna hold onto it. They are the kinda people that just waste your time all day, every week. At the last minute she comes to me, and asks for my advice--she was wrong for that. She wanted to sell the house, and she wanted to know if she could sell it even if she poses no opposition to the Motion filed by the bank to take it from her. I told her yes. Which actually should have been No, since the house would then belong to the bank after the motion, and no longer to her, so that way she couldn't sell something that doesn't belong to her. She wouldn't have the title anymore. It sounds pretty easy when I explain it to myself now, I don't know why it didn't configure that way when I told her that yesterday.

There is more but I shall stop here. Work calls.

I was trying to think what the first, most vital foodstuff I should get for my apartment will be. I thought maybe, beer and icecream. Yeah, something that is so essential to me to pig out in and then loads and loads of liquor especially since I have spent a bundle and a half buying glassware and silverware for the feasting.

I had a S-H-I-T-T-Y day at work today. Hear that shitty. One of those days when clients decide it's time for you to work for their exhausted money "so let me push you around, or rather just annoy you by showing up at your office at my convenience and having that 30 minute talk about my problem that I know is really no business of yours."

The other attorney in my office is leaving for a whole month next week. Yes, a whole month to recuperate for her bar exams. There is this new thing she wants me to start handling that is so delicate and should be filed very accurately and meticulously. She says there is no rush in getting it done, and then the next thing you know, she brings in a new file in which it has not been filed into my office every 5 minutes. Oh, there's also this one, and this one, and this guy wants his bank account released. Oh, but really there's no rush as long as you file it before the case gets dismissed.

Now, you tell me.

I just couldn't absorb all that and the phone calls and multitudes of requests and whiny customers today. I just couldn't.

I told my mum that my apartment, the matrix shall be my escape now. Whenever I hear those whiny customers that make me want to hit my head on the wall, and just say Fuck it, I should just remember I need rent money and it is only through them that I can pay it. Then, I shall feel so okay.

Hopefully. Usually it's Keanu I use but nowadays, it makes me feel worse. Since he is there and I am here and there's nothing I can do about it.

I need to find something that is at least a little more fun than this, I always seem to find the least fun jobs. Why me, O Lord!

I am going to have to do a weekend in summary update since I am such a hack that I don't have time to do a proper update in here anymore. But I have time to spend a whole day shopping online.

It's basically what I've been talking about, spending money, talking to people that are trying to rip me off some more money and thinkking about ways to make some more money.

1) Thursday went to the house after work, to use the rest of my Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon on some essentials. Spent the evening just sitting there, wondering why I am so lucky, blessed to finally have my wish of having my own space granted.

2) Friday. Payday. I woke up early to view my account. It turns out Uncle Sam spared me $4 this time around, I don't know why, perhaps in its calculation it noticed that I had had a birthday so the money may have been for me to get a present for myself courtesy of Uncle Sam. Either way I was glad.

3) Took my boss out to lunch to this expensive restaurant that even I can't afford to eat in. I ended up taking pictures of everybody except myself, so even if I do get the pictures done, I can't show them online. That was stupid.

4) Couldn't wait to get spending so I went to walmart to get some other essentials. Like the lamp, kitchenware (which is endless, I can't count how much I've spent on getting kitchenware) and then, of
course, presents for Father's day and my sister's baby shower.

5) Went to the house. Had chicken, and just chilled with the kids of course. At every point in time in this story when I don't mention that I had a peaceful time, just know I was there with the kids.

6) saturday. Went to work. Got there late. everyone was riving 30 miles an hour and everyone that called at work thought I was the receptionist so let them have their way with me. Got to my sister's baby shower just in time, as it ended and handed her her present which she loved surprisingly. She took me to the new house she is getting and I swore to go there only once a month. It's too far and the road to it, is too narrow. I told her the house wasn't worth the journey but she still went along and bought it. See what I say about people doing what they want to do nevertheless. Went home and feasted on a pack of sixers.

7) Sunday. The kids and I went to church, and then to The Matrix (which should really be the new name for the house) I waited for the furniture which came almost immediately. Then, the kids started to act up and we abruptly left before the neighbours heard the racket. The neighbors must think we all live there cos' everytime I come in it's with them.

I am thinking about some other things that have to do with the house but also my future. I wish I could think up some brain child that would secure my financial security and my happiness, because we all know they don't all go hand in hand. I just don't know what it is. There are several thoughts that come to mind.

*Go to law school, do an MBA, or just study something.*

I will, I just wish I had the ability to do all that now. Most of all the time.

I am so knackered right about now, I haven't wanted a week to end as fast as I want this one to. Most of all, to lead to payroll Friday.

I went to court with one of our attorneys today for the experience ride. I was surprised to find that there were quite a few paralegals that come to court representing creditors, interrogating their debtors. Now, why didn't I get that gig? Maybe I wouldn't have liked it, but it feels a bit useful. The attorney was introducing me as her legal assistant. that was soo annoying. That legal assistant term is old. Mostly used for secretaries that do not have any legal knowledge whatsoever and spend their days typing up some other person's legal ideas or research. And she of all people knows I went to Law school, a legal assistant feels like some kind of aid as opposed to a scholar which I think I am.

Moving on, when you are so broke that's when adhoc expenditures come up. For example, my sister's baby shower is coming up this Saturday, this is the payroll Saturday before I move in, so I need to keep that money for my movers and food stuffs to stock my empty stockroom. If I don't give her something I know my sister she'll think it's personal. But her having this baby shower is pre-empting so many things for me, as opposed to 2 months from now when the baby would be finally born and I would be a little more financially stable to get her what I want.

Then, Father's day is this Sunday, and of course I have been having these cravings to eat out when I know more than ever that I cannot afford it. Yesterday, it was McDonalds, today it's a beer.

I am of old and of new, Of the brittle and the strong, of the wise and the lowly of the bright and the gentle, and for everything else in between, I am but me, not someone else as we speak, though at times, I may choose to be.

Yes, it's me. I am in the mood to blast someone on one of my firend lists, whom I thought was my friend but is not wanting to show up for my hectic, arduos move.

I have a lot to talk about:
1) I picked up the keys on Saturday.
2) APARTMENT THING IS SOO COOL, I HAVE NEVER HAD MY OWN PLACE BEFORE.
3) I feel like I am in some dream I don't want someone to ruin for me or just disrupt.
4) My furniture comes in on Sunday, and my official move is on Saturday the 21st.
5) Am I greedy that I still want a car on top of all these. Yes, a car. I am using the heck out of my old one by driving to and from the apartment trying to conduct my own mini-move.
6) Bills are gonna be hard. So hard.
7) I have decided not to tell any of my friends from back home just yet until it all falls into place. I am just superstitious that way. But when I do, I just wann scream it to the highest skies.

That is the story of Anita.

And now my weekly prayer since I thought I was too busy yesterday to do it
I want to thank the Lord for His mercies. His hand in my life is showing in the success, and direction I see my life going. This is saying thank you for the present blessing and for more blessings, don't hold back now, and for the eternal problems that I feel no one else can solve, for Him to show me who is boss, and let it all work out in His mighty name.

Amen.

You know I couldn't let such a memorable day like this go by without putting in an update on the days events and just saying thank you to God for His wonderful mercies and for His unique way of answering my prayer and letting me know He's got my back.

I went to work feeling a little weird. I was just hoping no one would make a fuss about me, and thankfully they didn't. It was my birthday right, what do I do, how can I get any work done at all. But I did just a little bit but to me I wasn't the only one not really ready to work, my co-workers were ready to leave that place and head to the restaurant faster than I was.

We went to a fancy restaurant downtown. For once we mingled with the rich and the spoiled. Then, they handed me my present a gift card, which I didn't want to open because I really do not open my presents infront of people.

However, it was fun, I am feeling rather worn out now and sluggish, comes with turning an age, so I don't really have the energy to type out the play by play of today's events. All I know is, I had fun, the gifts from my co-workers were touching, and the love around me is really what I need. I thank God for it, and I rejoice for it.

I pray that this year sees me growing internally and spiritually. That I learn from my mistakes and emulate the acts of a wiser, more assertive older woman who knows where she is going and how to get there. I pray that Lord provides that direction and He helps me battle the enemies and undesirable elements that may want to stand between me and my destiny set by the hand of God. I thank God for His wonderful hand in my life and hope that He doesn't depart from me, even at times when I do falter.

These and many more blessings I ask of thee O Lord, in your mighty name I pray Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen!


Happy Birthday to me!

To Anita...Chapter 29

I believe in our lives something extraordinary can always happen...

HAPPY 29th BIRTHDAY TO ME.

I believe for me I have many more years to obtain my uniqueness, and I shan't stop or give up until I do.

As the Lord is my guide and my stronghold through this unfamilar territory we call life, I know I can never fail.

I ask of you many more years like this one, and more.

Amen.

Let's Talk June

This week, and I am hoping not this whole month has been good and bad for me.

1) I am looking forward to moving to my new apartment.

2) I am not looking forward to facing the insecurity and massive amount of bills that I know I will accumulate that would take over a substantial amount of my check.

3) My employees are taking me out to lunch on Friday to celebrate my birthday.

4) It is somehow daunting because we've fought among each other everyday this week, so far.

5) I wish I could feel safe and secure about my self and refreshed like a woman should feel at my age, and I am hoping moving to this apartment will give me that.

6) Nevertheless, I feel like that Rob Thomas song, Unwell. "I am not crazy, I am just a little unwell." Cos' that is how I truly feel. Like I may be crazy and psychotic right now with screws loose everywhere but it's a just a symptom of a phase in me that someday will pass.

7) I feel like I should be more like Keanu, quiet, the silent questioner, the reluctant leader.

8) But I can only be more like me, right? The unnerving, fun yet rebellious young woman.

7) I am turning 29 and to me, it feels like half of my life is over and so much that I have to deal with hasn't even made it self available to me.

We are having a company meeting tomorrow to discuss some pertinent issues. I don't know, I just have a problem with my lunch being interrupted for a question anyone else in the room could have answered. With people thinking that because I am a paralegal I am at their beck and call. With preferential treatement being given to the corporate staff, and with my boss entertaining a complaint from another office where I went to conduct my personal business. I just have a problem with a whole bucket load of things, and I don't know why they all seem to be coming up this week, this crucial, supposedly joyous week in my life, but I just have a hard time with digesting these things and pretending like they are not happening. Because they really, truly are.

I have been a bad girl by not updating you all on some things. Some of them quite important, focal points of my life:

1) I signed the lease to the sugarloaf parkway residence.
2) I actually got accepted to their little bourgeoise repoertoire.
3) I just bought my furniture--sofa, love seat, coffee table and bar table with chairs.
4) I put forward another sizeable amount for the deposit on the lease.
5) Need I say that I am broke.
6) I am turning 29 in 5 days time.

I am so overwhelmed by it all. You know how you become so used to people telling you it's going to fail and then at a point you are striving so hard not to that to a certain extent every move you make is preceded and haunted by the thought that you just might.

I know I don't want to. I know I should have faith. I know I should just trust the Lord in His guidance above everything else. I just can't help thinking these thoughts and letting them consume me.

There's this bit in the Bible that says worry is the result of lack of faith. We don't want to do that.

I am asking God to strengthen my fauth, my work, my hold on this earth. To make me stronger in my beliefs, in knowing that he takes care of every single worry I have and He will never let me down. No matter what. He won't let me down.

Thees I ask of thee O Lord and my safe passage into my 29th year in this world you've put me in.

Amen.