Somewhere along the line I must have thought I was moving to America. The land where the impossible happens, where people take chances, and beginners can be millionaires just by believeing in their dreams, petty ideas and someone would be ready to give them a jolt in the right direction, helping them to pave the way to making that dream happen.

However, I have been faced with nothing but negativity, pessimissm and a whole lot of people who don't cross the road without looking twice, and twice again. The people here are so afraid of taking any chance on anything, they immediately hear my accent and they think to themselves, "Okay someone not from around here, so let's just keep going, nothing to see here." It makes me almost afraid, and unsure of my life decision to move here. Almost hateful of the rose-colored glasses with which I viewed the people here all my life, almost ashamed that I chose them amongst a host of other countries I could have gone to in pursuit of my life dreams, almost makes me think less of them with each passing day, each passing breath.

It's okay. I'm okay. The dreams are broken but not shattered. There must be a risk-taker lost in the midst of all the over-cautious boring predicatable ma's and pa's swimming in this choking sea. Either that or I would be forced to actually move to Europe where I would get what I am expecting and get something extraordinary perhaps as a surprise to me. They've often said the people there are not nice, rude and snobbish. I should possibly expect the opposite just like I've gotten nothing but the opposite of what I got from US. Truly, to say I am disappointed is an understatement. It's hard to coincide mydreams with what I've been handed a second-hand opportunity from a third-grade chance.

It's so hard.

My brother comes in tomorrow from Dallas where he's been for a whole month on a course from work (Mobil) he gets to spend 10 days with us before he sets back, which is a lot considering they send him on these courses once, if at all, a year. So I am sorta excited.

The job I went on the interview for was supposed to call today to give me some feedback if I got it or not, they haven't called and I am sorta worried hence I didn't sleep well last night. But I guess if they don't call that means, I didn't get it, so to speak and that means, this is some more waiting for the phone ring for my other lead to set up a "start time" for me. However, I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, I have never been one to do that, some phone calls need to be made and some tedious searching and nagging of the temp agency needs to be done, let's settle this career-less state before the year runs out. Enough is enough as they say. Besides, my bank account is fed up of the withdrawals and not enough deposits, I can't say I blame it at all. Hopefully, my brother won't spend all his shopping money. *psych*


In other news, I am horny. What else is new? But my mum is home so no masturbating for me, I guess, and next week, the whole damn house is full. The real thing isn't that far-fetched is it, is it?!


Went to Buckhead the other day, the day of the interview, sighted a few hunks here and there by the gym. It was tedious just looking at them, having them not look at me, and having oh! being around men you find utterly attractive, bangable and successful and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Made me want to get the job even more. *fill in the blanks, please*


I'll write in again about my graduation as a paralegal and my brother's visit, and the damn phone ringing. Oh, the pressure of living.

Okay, so I stole some images from artconspiracy.com, they had already unsubscribed me from their board just because I hadn't put up any other images for 2 months. 2 months, I've been busy looking for a job, going to paralegal class, fighting with my frustration, I don't have time to go uploading any images, that's stupid. Like they have a job to give me, swine people.

So far, my horoscope was not right. I have been spending money but I haven't made any money, 2 different things. I have been going to work at the coffee shop and being sent home just because we haven't up to par with our business for them to need me. Me being the kind hearted person I am, I always volunteer to go home, no need serving people when I am not going to be making any money doing it. Besides, I hate serving people, makes them look at you like you don't have anything better to do with yourself. And Lord knows I do, I do but would they let me.

I want to get back to working with Netaid.org. I don't know why I stopped in the first place, okay school happened. However, school is over so I can spare my time now, expand my mind, and work with people who at least know what is going on around the world, care about it, speak intellectually enough on it and know what they are doing with their lives to protect it. So by next week, I should have a couple of articles for editing from Netaid.org, okay.

Hopefully, by next week, I should be on my new job. Fingers crossed, and hearts lunged in prayer.

Yikes! Was that truly the last time I wrote something meaningful in here. That is bad. I guess that was the advent of all my written assgnments, and I am so obsessive about my written argument assigments that I always want to do it right. Really! I just felt it was stupid reading any wacky stuff online besides the personals when I had research and homework to do. Sorry! However, they are all done now. Thank goodness. Now, anymore written assignments I have should have a fee attached to it, being paid to think not thinking for free.

How is the world living? My life's been in techno overdrive. No job and my finances feels like the blood is drying out of my bank account. Bad, really bad. I still went to spend some more money today, bad silly unthinking me. And if I see a good sale anytime during the week I will still jump on it. I m off to try on my clothes and bask in the happinness of someone who has no livelihood but can still afford to dress herself up with lovely things. Like a dolled up drug addict I suppose. The sadness is wearing thin until the clothes come off.

I just had to slip my horoscope in here. You don't see this everyday. I don't want to think about it too much in case something bad happens during the week and I'm sad thinking, okay, I thought this was the week everything was supposed to work out. But the triple A's on this horoscope almost gave my eyes a fever. Crossing all my fingers and toes that is that kinda super douper week. I haven't had one of those in a long time.

GEMINI
A big commitment is coming, although it's likely to be someone pining for a chance to serve you! Look forward to a weekend of better finances and clearer communication.
Your luck this week*

Love: A
Money: A
Work: A

Signs to Seek: Taurus, Scorpio
Signs to Avoid: Leo, Aquarius

Have a good week all.

Couple of things:

I have been feeling so queasy today and it is not doing me any good since I havea paper due this Friday. I usually work best under a deadline but this is ridiculous how much more of a deadline do I need, Friday is just 4 days away. I don't know what I should drink or take, I've already had 2 cups of coffee, and eaten all so lightly just to avoid slumping into a nap, but it is not helping. I have even tried napping so I can wake up later and work on my paper, nope, that didn't work either. I am going to take an energy vitamin pill now perhaps that can shed some light on my supposed exhaustion.

The 2nd thing: I hope I get a job this week. I don't know if it is my jobless state mixed with my approaching deadline and looming financial decisions that is making me physically and mentally weak. They say problems weigh you down but this is riduculous, if I don't get this paper written I am in deep shit. I should imagine I am at work and this is a paper for a client, perhaps that would stir me out of the perennial tiredness I am in. But I hope I get a job this week. Prayer for the day---to get a job for anita--amongst other prayers previously filed.

The horoscope seems lukewarm but who believes in this shit, right?

GEMINI
A romantic thrill could be back in your life after a short absence. This could set up a new chaotic shuffle, as you were just beginning to get comfortable with a new game plan. Expect those closest to you to behave like children instead of offering help.
Your luck this week:

Love C, Money C, Work B*
Signs to Seek: Leo, Libra
Signs to Avoid: Virgo, Pisces

Which Red Hot Chili Pepper Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Look at what I found? How nice....;-/

The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.
-----Psalm 9:9,10 KJV

If for once you feel that you can't go on, life has a reason, an escape and a shoulder to uplift you.----don't even believe that one bit.

There is no fucking reason. I made some wrong choices, I wish I could change those choices, I hoped on the wrong dreams and aspirations to save me and I wish I could have changed them and most of all, I don't want to have to blame it all on myself I want to believe there is a higher power called destinies that was responsible for my bad decision making. So there is no hope, there is no magnificent ray of light at the end of the tunnel coming to save the day after all avenues have been sought there is no such fucking thing. That is just one big hoopla of an excuse to try to make you dry your eyes and concentrate on some happy thoughts.

I know that now, so I shall continue to live in stupidity in my menially estranged life, suffering every drain of muscle I have, disappointing every woman my age around the world, and every dream I had about myself at this age. I shall continue to do that living with the now, knowing that there is no way out so make the best of it while you can.

Oh why couldn't my life have turned out as Shelia's? We are the same age, and she is after all my creation. Why couldn't my adventrues be hers, and hers be mine, her loves, hopes, and happiness? Why is mine, if ever I have them, the melancholic lonesome happy time of disenthroned woman.

There is nothing we can do about that now, except BE. anything at all, except believeing in the impossible cos' that doesnt happen for people like us anymore.

My plans to move out to some remote part of the wrld may come into play sooner than I thought. Why so?

Well, last week I sent out a total of 20 faxes of my resumes,( at $2 per fax) attended 5 interviews, signed up with 3 staffing agencies, quit my job and spent $20 on gas, $35 on miscellenous which includes parking, eating on the go, and otherwise, still I am yet to receive one callback or one email saying we find you "interesting."


Yep, at this point the desert terrains of Somalia don't seem like a bad idea after all.

I told my boss at the coffee shop that I am seriously looking into the hiding away thing. She concurred that she had at one time harbored such a thought, at least once every month. It made me not feel so bad after all. However, something has to give, a crack in the dark clouds, smething, it can't be all bad everyday, all the time. FCK!