what have I been up to?
I am so tired now, I just decided to nip out to tell you all about the most refreshing day I've had in a long time. You know I often or not report on the bad bews so this time let me say something good.

I went to work in the "Kaui" establishment today.

I don't think he was there to work officially because he had on a face-cap and did everything to avoid me, and I did pretty much the same, pretending like I didn't notice his fine ass. All I really wanted to say was thanks--thanks for just being him---and if possible squeeze in a hug. I felt he helped me get over the transition well, and he deserved to be thanked. I don't know how I'm gonna thank him, I'll probably wait until Tuesday to do that, I guess or call maybe. But that was it in the House of Kaui.

I know I am just fooling myself with him and in the end I may end up hurt (or fired for making advances towards my boss) eventually, sometimes I wonder why does life present us with all these chances knowing we may eventually fail. I for one, know I've taken several chances on love and come up short, so it just leaves this one sort of a tongue twister, should I try this one last time and see if this may be the one? I don't know. I'd really like to have chance to make him my friend though just because I enjoy talking with him mostly. I don't know *deep sigh*

But I deviate. Before I went into work I went to Best Buy and finally picked up a sound system to go with my room in the new house, it felt so good actually paying for something that cost more than a $100 knowing you have the money for it. I was in such a good mood, I threw in the new Celine Dion CD and Brandy's Full Moon CD to launch the system with. Celine's A New Day Has Come sounds off like the beginning of my life as of now. It is so rejuvenating.

Everything just seems so clear to me now. I went into my old job to pick up my last check. My boss that fired me found it hard to even look at my face. In fact no one was looking at my face, you'd think I'd lost my means of livelihood or something. Is that how people are down here, everyone steps on pins and needles when one of them gets fired, geez! It's not like I was planning to stay there forever, in the end I know God did me a big favor. No more of that crummy uniform, the horrid 70's music that repeats even in your sleep *rolls eyes* and that Lady Macbeth acting all tyrannical around me with her sonorous voice. Fuck them! That's what my bartender said when I told him what happened, he was like, Fuck off, I never needed you anyway. Then, the lady at administration apologizes completely, saying she would hate to see me go. I'm like, yeah whatever, you're lucky this is atlanta and I don't have my Bar certification yet, hell I wouldn't take that job if you paid me.

Then, I called my sister to come pick me up from work, and she out of the blues (she never does anything out of the blues if you know her she is like on a time chart of her own) decided that we should all go to the movies tonight. I was more than happy to indulge her. I have been longing to watch Panic Room and she wanted the kids to see Ice Age so we synchronized it and yes, it happened.
That movie is just amazing, that is how I want my dream Manhattan apartment to be. All those floors, all that space, it was a good house.

So as we're standing in the line about to get popcorn, I just become suddenly overcome with this rush of happiness (if you know me, you would know that never happens) it was soo good, I was smiling, lifted out of my socks and elated at everything. Being there, living life, the turn of events, the fact that I could still afford to pay my cellphone bill even though I have lost my job, just something blew me away.

I nudge my sister and tell her, "I am so refreshed." And she replies, "You should be, it's Easter and thank goodness you're not stuck in that crummy mall in that crummy job all day." And it was so true. It's Easter, and I have a whole Friday to myself to do as I please, which includes watching a movie on its opening day like fellow young women like myself do. I just need to complete my life with 2 essential things now, one of which is a man/mate/companion/friend and I am complete...like a new day has/is coming for me.

I got this new job that is like almost a walking distance from my house. The woman to my shock and dismay hired me on the spot, and the hours are ever so convenenient for a car-less person like myself, their food is fantastic and I am just overjoyed about it.

*knocking on wood* This would be a better place for me to be, it's a bigger restaurant, the guys that work there are cuter, and the people there didn't try to pretend to be nice which shows they don't put up pretenses around there, it's just basically do your shit and get out. That is what I love about it...


I just need my 2 essential things and I can stop bugging the life out of you all with my depressing shit. But trust me, I do feel good, and it feels semi-nice to feel this good and accomplished for a change.

And Jessicamoore (on Diary-x) if you're reading thank you for directing me to your journal, signng my guestbook, and just thanks, for everything I am not, I try ti fill in with good people like you who direct me to the wise words of our Saviour Jesus Christ...to Him be the glory, now and forever.


Amen.

Blissful

I like to imagine a world where you are;
if I could imagine it hard enough it may give me the chance to live in it, perhaps through your eyes.
I like to imagine that time vividly;
More so when you are not around me
I imagine it may be a fuller time for me
Oh! how widened my smile and rested my heart shall be.
If only it were...

Yes! It is official...Kaui is engaged!

I haven't heard it from the horses mouth but from someone else that works there. Only she didn't say it quite as succintly as the first person that mentioned this to me sometime in December. The first person merely said, he was getting married soon, and then I waited, December came, January, Valentines, etc, and I didn't see any wedding ring on his finger so I launched forward with my hopeless advances but since this other lady said it, I am sure there's some element of truth lurking in there.

Or I might console myself to say that maybe it is a hoax to ward off all the female advancement from all the countless women, including I, who hit on him. But then, I would be living in a fool's paradise, wouldn't I?

I really feel so unloved right now. Not just about the whole "engaged" thing--liking someone and fate never makes it so they like you back---but from having to ask God for the same miracles over and over and over. It just feels like overkill, like He doesn't love me as much as I would believe He does, or I am not His child anymore for some strange reason. His child whom He promised never to forsake or depart from in my hour of need. I just feel like 10 years from now, will I still be doing this, be like this, alone, frustrated, and lonely, and still waiting on His miracle, Will I?


I have to be at work tomorrow...I hope I get to work with him if for nothing else just to see him...tell him thank you for supporting me through that day. Somehow that phone call with him on Monday just made all the difference to me, it made me feel like it wasn't so bad, and that he wanted to listen. I'll never forget his voice saying, "Thanks for calling in okay, and bye honey."

That was sooo sweet, no one's called me that in a long time. I kinda wished that was what it was.

I don't know why Monster.com has refused to get me a suitable job to match my skills.

In London when I made use of their online agents like Stepstone.co.uk, etc, I got so many callbacks from my online resume it was unbelievable, considering that the resume held little or no experience in it. But here, WOW! out of a total of at least 30 "apply online" buttons I've hit, only perhaps I'd say...6 have called me back and that's yielded no results. I am still working a la shitty job, aren't I?

There has to be someone who wants to give me a job just because they've read my work, they know me, or just because they know I do a good job.

There must be someone.

Something about losing a job you didn't neccessarily like that is still eating into me.

It's the fact that I didn't have a chance to say the big "Fuck you" I had rehearsed so well on my own to them first before they stabbed it into me. The fact that I know I put in more time and labor into making them think I was a hardworker and then one little thing goes wrong and they fail to remember the countless times I've done things right.

It's about friendship and the fact that I was a good friend and person to these people and yet I doubt if any of them will miss me let alone wonder where I am, what I am doing, stop to think about me, or stretching it, come to see me when they don't see me at work for so long.

It just feels like being slapped before you can retaliate, being slapped by a loved one, someone you love and cherish, being slapped and told, "Get the fuck out of my life." It is just so intense that I fear I may need therapy to open up myself and my dedication to another employer again after this.

I randomnly feel like doing something back, but I can't. Doing something, to show how hurt I am, slightly humliated, and very angry and bitchy at the whole situation, yet I can't be. This is the Holy Week, temptations abound and angry situations will constantly throw themselves at you.

*gnashes teeth* I am still so MAD, geez, get over it, what's wrong with me?

Okay...sighs

Remember the fight I told you I had with my boss on Saturday night, well, it turns out the bitch fired me. I knew she would that was why I left her a note just before I angrily walked out blasting her and indirectly telling her where to shove her job.

But it's okay...it's so strange, I am not worried cos I know God makes us take small steps into his kingdom and this was the first one I had to take, I had to leave that path so I could make another one. I just wanted to leave that job soo bad that I felt it was choking everything I knew about myself, my self-worth. It was a constant humiliation working there and I guess in between all that God heard my prayers.

I called Kaui to tell him first. Can you imagine he was the first person I wanted to talk to (well, after speaking to my sister of course) and I remember his shrilly voice squeaking when I said, "I don't work there anymore?" Immediately concerned he asked me what had happened, but you know I can't talk about it on the phone, I just felt it was something I should keep to myself. But it was still nice of him to care.


Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time, you know that THIS that I want from life will never come, and that I will end up a sad story and a disappointment to myself and everyone who has ever known me. Like a one hit wonder that never actually took off. And then I watch shows like the Oscars and think...so someone was actually nominated 16 times and he didn't kill himself after losing the 10th time...where did he get the courage to persevere that long, cos God knows I've lost mine and it hasn't even been 16 years. I don't know, life is just too uphill, frustrating, downhill, whirlwind, one-sided and calamitious for me...when does it all end, the chaos and the tasking, the degradation, when?

POST FROM SATURDAY THE 23RD OF MARCH....

I am home on Saturday night like a normal person.

Normally I'd be wrapped up in that nightmare of a job trying to make as much money as possible while fellow youngings like myself are out having fun, why I do that to myself I do not know.

I may quit my job for real. This isn't a life, it's too pathetic and mismanaged to be called a workplace. Today was the last straw.

My best friend's younger brother was to come in today to see me on his way back from Spring break but he had to stop over at Athens (which is like 2 hours from here) to chill with his homies. So, that quenched the highlight of my week. I was gonna give him a good time as well I haven't seen him in like 4 years.

But the highpoint, undoubtedly was yesterday morning working with Kaui. My Gosh! I don't know maybe I am just reading something into it, (which is mostly the case) but he is especially nice to me, and sees to my happiness, even when I mess up he doesn't scold me, he just calls my name and squirms...do you think that's weird?

I saw him get upset with one of the workers and their argument happened right over my head, he started cursing and flaring, I had a semi orgasm just trying to ignore that argument, Geez! don't you love to see a man get worked up. And then, I went to his office to pick up my check, and then bam! he brushes his hands right across my bosoms (by mistake)...could the day get any better...it was amazing.

I am smitten I admit, I wish, I wish, I wish...if there is a special star I should be wishing on, please join me in wishing for him...I wish. Every time I try to frown and hate him, he does something really nice to me, says something really nice to me and I just burst out laughing. I need a radar to cmabt his charms.

So that is my saturday update.

I have decided not to go into work tomorrow, gonna stay home guard my sanity and watch the Oscars!

How you all living?

I had another Kaui interlude amidst the mundane activities of my working day.

I worked with Fred earlier on in the day. It was slower than hell. It was just about dead at a quarter to 1, so I took my leave gladly, because I was buck tired and and glad the torture was over.

I came back at a little past 3 o'clock to pickup my food when I glanced Kaui in the office making a call, I yelped inside excitedly.

And then what happens, 30 minutes later, my friends devour my food, and I, still hungry, had to order another one, I decide to order it by phone, hoping he'd come by to deliver it so I can admire his fine ass. He answers the phone and starts to chuckle at the sound of my voice, I begin, "I want to place an order for delivery....I want...yada, yada..."

He goes: "Is that all you want?"

I respond, perplexed: "Yes,...wait a minute...do you know it's me? (I say my name)"

"Yes, of course I know it's you...how are you?"

"OH," still perplexed that he recognized my voice. "So are you gonna deliver it?"

"Tell you what, if you walk over here, I'll give you your employee discount. How about that?" Still chuckling like it's funny.

Perplexion and amazement take over me. Why does he want me to walk over there, does he want to see ME by any chance, or do you think he just wants to see my ugly mug, and laugh and joke with me for a few minutes since we didn't get a chance to work together all weekend, maybe, maybe not, but if not then why did he ask me to come over?

I walk over there, and he is standing in front of the TOGO booth, starts to laugh at me. "You, what do you want now?" He begins jokingly.

"Hey...I just wanted a delivery," I say innocently.

"Well, if you hadn't come over here, I wouldn't have given you your employee discount." He starts to chuckle...and discounts my food immediately, no questions asked.

I start to confess that I had already had a discounted meal for that day (since we are only allowed to have one per shift) and he ignores me, breaking the rules blatantly, assumingly just to please me.

(some other things had transpired between us on Friday after I called out of work, I suggestively but innocently, brought him a shake to apologize, I just wanted to leave it at the door but then, he asked to see me again??? he seemed so touched when I handed it to him, made me feel proud that I even thoguht about it)


I think I'll stop here...you get the general picture, I'm just evading the housework I have to do now by lounging in a teeny momentous Kaui glow. That guy makes me think naughty thoughts, I don't know what to do about him, seriously... I am sure the rest of the world including me shall be relieved when this crush, just like others before it, shall be dead and buried. But mostly, I am glad it is for a real-live person...remember all those days of pinning for Vin Diesel or Anthony. I know, I somewhat need a life.

My Crush...

Have you ever wanted to sleep with someone so bad that you almost feel tempted to tell that person, "

Shh...stop talking, please don't speak. All I want to do is screw you slowly until my head spills open and then maybe, maybe we can talk after. Okay."

Yes. I had another interesting situation with Kaui yesterday. Am I consoling myself to think that maybe he likes me? *looks around* Yes, indeed I am.

We spoke for a very long time. I told him I wanted to train as a bartender and he started to laugh at me, and then...our bodies collided cos I hit him you know in that playful way you hit someone when they are making fun of you, and he seemed to enjoy it. This conversation lasted for a while, before work, after work, in his office, alone again. I just went in there, and shut the door behind me. I heard him say an, "Oher...what have I done now?" "Done, nothing, it's the omission to do that hurts me. Trust me sweetie, if I could tie you to that chair and do you I will." And then in between he grabs something from in front of me and his zipper rubs up against my hand, ( don't ask me how, cos' I swear I can't quite remember, all I know is that it happened and I moved back slightly, whatever for, I don't know) I know I'm hallucinating again.

The long and short of this is, I still didn't tell him anything. We talked, a lot of stuff about work, nothing about our personal lives. And then I left...missing him. Today I watched him work from across the food court and then I told my coworker friend, that I had a crush on him. He just looked at him and laughed. Like it's funny.

The last time I had this crush and this kinda burning sensation for a man, yes, we did get around to it, and yes, it was just a "kicking it" relationship, and yes, I happened to fall head over heels for him hurting myself in the end. And sometimes I think, maybe I just want to screw Kaui, get it out of my system, but maybe, sometimes he gets on my nerves so much when I'm working with him that I feel like biting his head off, and then I'm stuck asking myself, "You sure you like this guy?" and then, when I am not around him I am pining for him. Beats me why that happens.

I shall miss working with him tomorrow. Why because I am not going to work tomorrow, some strange jinx happened and my nieces have a virus and so they have to stay home. My sister has an appointment so by elimination that leaves me. I don't mind missing work, I just mind missing Kaui since I won't get to see/work with him again until next Friday. Hmmm....

Do you think I should tell anyone else that works there how I feel about him?

Look at me asking my diary questions?

I saw this:

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is
not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if
we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait
eagerly for it.

And somehow it just rejuvenated me. My beliefs in my dreams, the dwindling hope in me, and everyday when I get up, when I go to work in that place when I'm asked to do something I shouldn't be doing, when I work under people I am millionsof years older than, I just feel like, "So is this what I've am amounted to?" But I guess reading that verse sorta reassured whatever in me was still keeping me alive, going all these days.

Somehow I just wish something could happen to make it better.

Okay, so you did wait a week for another entry.

I think it's about time I redid my site. I haven't touched it since December. It stilll has "End of Year Summation" on the index page which is quite pathetic considering that we are no longer at the end of this year or any year for that matter. I guess I just got upset because no one read the best of five feelings and emotions/entries thingies that I did to wrap up last year. It kinda beat me up because I spent quite a bit of time doing that up.

I went to do a manicure today. I just thought about it last week while the girls I work with were punching in some codes on the computer, I looked at their nails and looked at mine. Somehow I am just one of those girls who cannot look sophisticated no matter how hard she tries. I can't look well-manicured or eclectic enough, there's always this air of suffering and rushed make-up and hastiness in my demenaor, my sense of fashion and just my general appearance. So somehow, I thought maybe a little manicure would do me good. I am seriously considering getting some acrylic nails too, but that would be after we move house and things have settled. I don't want to do it now in case, I snap one of them on any of the boxes or heavy pieces of furniture I shall be lugging around at that time.

However, I went to do my manicure today. It doesn't change how I feel about my appearance. It just makes me feel like I am on a path to changing myself for the better, to evolving, to renovating my appearance. Now, if I could maybe gather some self-confidence catch it from the far spaces in the sky, miraculously lose 50 pounds and get a more impressionable job then I'll feel better. I think the only reason why I feel conscious is well, 2 reasons actually that sort of mesh into one:

1) I still have the semi-crush on my boss, and don't ask me why I have chosen to term it as semi.

2) I have noticed that for a long time now, since I moved to live in the Western world, no one's fancied me for the longest time. It's actually quite pathetic and appalling. In summation, I can't blame my boss for not fancying me because no one else has, even while I was in London, slim and trim and even now that I am here, fat and obese. No one even stops to stare or offer their number, or plead for mine, or extend a word our about how they've harbored some uncontrollable feelings for me. No One.

So I start to wonder, is it the nails, the loads of fat I am lugging in my hips, is it the freakish unknown accent, is it just that the lack of self-confidence I have in me seeps through, or is it just one of those crazy phenomena in life for which logic and clear thought have no conclusive reasoning?

Everyday as I step closer into making myself a lady, and perhaps as I step into the light, I feel people, men and women alike may see me as beautiful, interesting, and stimulating enough to stir a friendship or relationship of any kind with me, and perhaps I may stop talking into a journal that I know no one reads, and start to talk to real life people.

Oh, so we don't have to wait a week to read the next entry. How nice.

I don't think there is anyone on this earth that enjoys reading her journal as much as I do. I think I am about the only one who bothers to read it, isn't that pathetic? It just reflects on how my mind is working, if I am paying attention or not to the little events that have happened around me, I often or not write about them? Right now, I am not.

Went out to lunch with some people I met online. Actually a couple I met online. It was weird at first, this whole online thing, it's quite uncanny like putting a face to the millions of computer faceless people out there. We all know there are people behind these computers behind the sometimes raunchy screen names we chat with all the time online, but to actually be faced with them, it's amazing..it's like so this person wasn't a figment of my imagination after all. I was just like WHOA! all the damn time, and I couldn't stop talking, and since they read my journal there is nothing new to tell anymore, they know the whole story of me, my neighborhood, my sexual dreams, my contorted mind...they know it all, and I just met "they that know so much about me." Isn't that a bit freaky for you reading this now. And they met online as well, through some gaming website and are now engaged...how does that happen, a real-life online love story, brought together by the magnetic powers of the Web.

It just goes to confirm how pathetic I am this is actually the most WHOA-like thing that has ever happened to me...second to well my BSB concerts, even that was a bit freaky because it put bodies and faces and voices to these guys I always listen to through the tube or on my jukebox and it put them right in the same arena as me...with a close-up moment for a picture.

Fast forward to my real boring life: It is still the same. I just downloaded some Launch music station that doesn't break off and slow down my Internet usage like the other one Musicmatch used to. I'm enjoying it...for now. Music doesn't appeal to me as much as before...is that bad? That my simple pleasures are changing...someone asked me what are the things I enjoy doing now, and I replied, "Honestly, I don't know." Because I don't.

Another week, another lengthy ass entry...like anyone ever has time to go through this...except me.

Okay, semi-badness, mostly anger, and bitchiness.

Monday: suddenly I can't remember. I know I didn't go into work, I was so tired that I slept, did some major housework, and cleaned my room out all day. I took a shower around midnight.

Tuesday: I got into work, I had a feeling something was amiss on my way, and when I get in there, June my asst manager calls me inside and informs me that I lost $148, she lost $115, and my manager lost $91. We should have all been fired excpet for the fact that that it happened to all of us through something, probably the computer error and which remains to be investigated but for now we still have our jobs, albeit on thin threads though. If I had a good mind I would say it was some computer hacker but that kinda stuff only happens in the movies.

Michelle Branch visited the mall played her hit song, "Everywhere", lots of teens, lots of fathers with their teenage daughters, and lots of hippies with their guitars. I didn't know she had that many fans. I get a close-up of her just to aim my camera at the split second she walks away. I am not too happy. Some moments should be kept on film since I am not a big enough fan to keep her in my heart.

June and I go to do our nails. Meet some obnoxious Oriental manicurists who demanded for their money before the job was even done and badly if I may add, and then she drives me home, I stop by and purhcase the new Alanis Morissette CD. I shouldn't have.

Wednesday: The grammies. I sat infront of the TV all damn day. Received a blast from the past phone call from Oby, we talk like strangers, you wouln't believe I lived with her for almost 6 months and she is the person responsible for my supposed British accent. Funny how distance can sometimes mar a friendship.

Saw all the pre-shows, red carper shenanigans of the Grammies, well right up to the point where the only people I wanted to see on the red carpet, BSB appeared when I popped off to give my nieces a shower. What rotten luck I have.

All my people, all except maybe BSB (whom I didn't expect to win) India. Arie, Mary J. Blige and a handful of others, lost. The others, Outkast, Missy, Lady Marmalade all won. It was pretty lack lustre, scandal and speech free. What moved me was...there was no tribute to lost compadres, Aaliyah and the rest who had lost their lives over the past year. Sad!

Thursday: I could go on and on about this day. But I shan't. What shall I say about a day that began in 15 degree weather. I am still bruised and angered by it all. I almost burst into tears at some point. Yes! it was that infuriating, but I decided not to let tears pass through me, as I remembered, it is Lenten time, so temptations and furies shall come our way in this world, it's the way we handle it that matters. This country has strung out the happiness and hope inside me...

The high point of my week, I had a very amusing chat with Kaui in which he still neglected to inquire as to where my accent was from but did mention how intriguing it was to him and several others. Out of everyone who's ever asked me that he's the only person I wished would have. But I saw him listening attentively when his boss did. I still chuckle when I remember our conversation from that day.

Friday: The 1st of March...3 more months before I turn 28. I don't want to think about it right now. So so day. Picked up my check that morning, good round figure, a little less than I expected but I am not complaining, God is good, all the time to me.

I worked with Fred instead of Kaui which I wasn't too happy about it. But he was nice and so chummy surprisingly, perhaps trying to make up for letting me assume they had fired me and I asked to leave before he cut me which was the good thing about it all. As long as I don't work with Mary...I am a happy employee working there, you know.

Managed to sneak in a few tables before work started, and I made $26. It was good. I used it to shop on Saturday. Did a little shopping today though at Papaya, bought some fanciful clingy nightclub tops I was suprised fit me. Hoping that I may lose some weight soon so I can wear them comfortably without my boobs ripping them apart. (speaking of boobs, it's bra shopping time too) Became overwhelmed by the amount of weight I had gained, wondering where the heck it came from...from all those days off, bingeing on icecream and alcohol that's what...Told the owner of the store to think about these 2 digits...XL. It really isn't all that difficult. Now I know why Eddie Bauer is my favourite store, their large is quite baggy on me.

Shopped some more on Saturday morning, bought the rest of the stuff I needed. Still need to get some more new clothes but the money to do that evades me. Found out my cell phone bill is a whopping $100, I needed some new clothes cos the old ones are a tad bit too small now, and I need to dress more maturedly since one would ne turning 28 soon. Overall....I am broke, angry...and tired of typing this shit.

PS. Yahoo says it will no longer support my FTP service unless I pay for it. Now who would want to do a stupid thing like that. So I shall be back on blogger.com domain soon, I can't afford to pay my cell phone bill let alone...you know.

Saturday/Sunday: I am angry, I am angry, I am angry, so everyone just back the fuck off me right now. Elizabeth comes to advise me to stop annoying people in "high places". who are these people, my shift manager who gossips about every single person in there. It is all so ridiculous, I conteplate once again in about the fiftieth time quitting the dumb ass job,only I do not have another one, if I did, a better one at that, one that pays me and respects me and where I can mingle heads with intellectuals I would leave this job in a heartbeat...Kaui or no Kaui, paycheck or not. I am sick of the whole thing...the other day I couldn't even remember what an equitable right meant...where has my brain gone to...it has been sucked in by burgers and fries and gossip mongering baby mama's.

I am so angry and disappointed in myself and my education that it is not even funny anymore...not at all.

I called Julie to fix a date to meet up with her...another disappointing conversation there.

I am hopeful for this week, perhaps my ship may come in, tugging my dream with it.