Okay, so you did wait a week for another entry.

I think it's about time I redid my site. I haven't touched it since December. It stilll has "End of Year Summation" on the index page which is quite pathetic considering that we are no longer at the end of this year or any year for that matter. I guess I just got upset because no one read the best of five feelings and emotions/entries thingies that I did to wrap up last year. It kinda beat me up because I spent quite a bit of time doing that up.

I went to do a manicure today. I just thought about it last week while the girls I work with were punching in some codes on the computer, I looked at their nails and looked at mine. Somehow I am just one of those girls who cannot look sophisticated no matter how hard she tries. I can't look well-manicured or eclectic enough, there's always this air of suffering and rushed make-up and hastiness in my demenaor, my sense of fashion and just my general appearance. So somehow, I thought maybe a little manicure would do me good. I am seriously considering getting some acrylic nails too, but that would be after we move house and things have settled. I don't want to do it now in case, I snap one of them on any of the boxes or heavy pieces of furniture I shall be lugging around at that time.

However, I went to do my manicure today. It doesn't change how I feel about my appearance. It just makes me feel like I am on a path to changing myself for the better, to evolving, to renovating my appearance. Now, if I could maybe gather some self-confidence catch it from the far spaces in the sky, miraculously lose 50 pounds and get a more impressionable job then I'll feel better. I think the only reason why I feel conscious is well, 2 reasons actually that sort of mesh into one:

1) I still have the semi-crush on my boss, and don't ask me why I have chosen to term it as semi.

2) I have noticed that for a long time now, since I moved to live in the Western world, no one's fancied me for the longest time. It's actually quite pathetic and appalling. In summation, I can't blame my boss for not fancying me because no one else has, even while I was in London, slim and trim and even now that I am here, fat and obese. No one even stops to stare or offer their number, or plead for mine, or extend a word our about how they've harbored some uncontrollable feelings for me. No One.

So I start to wonder, is it the nails, the loads of fat I am lugging in my hips, is it the freakish unknown accent, is it just that the lack of self-confidence I have in me seeps through, or is it just one of those crazy phenomena in life for which logic and clear thought have no conclusive reasoning?

Everyday as I step closer into making myself a lady, and perhaps as I step into the light, I feel people, men and women alike may see me as beautiful, interesting, and stimulating enough to stir a friendship or relationship of any kind with me, and perhaps I may stop talking into a journal that I know no one reads, and start to talk to real life people.