I saw this critically acclaimed movie yesterday: Y Tu Mama Tambien

I do not know what that translates to in English but it was a heck of a good movie. Haunting, realistic, fun and just touching. A lot of glorification of drugs though, for those that can get influenced by that kinda stuff, but just realistic, the pain in it is so close to anyone. I hope someone decides to do an English version of it and leaves all the good sex bits in.

It's been an age.

I went to spend TG with my sister. It was refreshingly different, like a mini-adventure. It's so surprising that my sister and I have so little to talk about. I had fun playing with her kids and watching their expressions as we watched Matrix Reloaded together. It was a good time.

I got back yesterday to get my house ready for XMAS and to prepare my mind mentally and otherwise for the week.

There is a lot to be said but I am just so knackered right now. I went to Hops for dinner, by myself and despite the fact that the place was requesting from me an upbeat atmosphere I just couldn't muster up any from myself. I was just down. (the food was ridiculously bland too but let's keep that to ourselves)

I want to thank God for the good times and for the bad. For the times when I retrace into myself and for the times when I look at myself and yell, I can't believe all He has done for me. For the quiet times and the sad times, for the creativity, and the drought, and for the memories of all the places I've been, and for the future I can only ask that if there is one constant let it be that He shall always remain with me, during all the times that time may tell. I shall always love and respect thee O Lord, be with in my heart as I toil. Amen.

Since it's such a slow day at work, and everyone's mind is fixed on Thanksgiving dinner I may as well just post this and let it all hang out in here.

On Thursday night, while most of you may have been watching Friends, I was in a mini-accident. It was a fender-bender that got the guy in front of me stopping so hard, I had to stop hard and this richocheted continously until the third guy, the culprit of this action rammed into the car behind me causing her to ram into me.

It bent my bumper out of shape a bit and gave it a lot of cuts and bruises. But it had us parked in the middle of the highway while other cars sped past us for about 15 minutes until the cops came. I was shaking. I had to dial 911, the very first time I dialled 911, and the very first time a cop asked me for my driver's licence and registration. It was one of the firsts that I hope is really the last. All through the ordeal I kept saying, "something good is coming, something good is coming, I am sure of it, there is no other explanation for this, nothing else can explain why I am in this right now, so undetermined, so pointless." I never thunk it in a million days. I remember thinking, this isn't the end of the world, Ke's been in one a many fender benders, and he pulled through, so hang in there. My mind was just going haywire while my hands continually shook.

Everything is fine now. I had to submit my car for repairs with his insurance company and they in turn issued me a rental. The rental is a new car like mine but its still a rental--I want my car. The cigarette smoke fumes in this car had me choking all the way to work, I felt like Sandra Bullock in Speed, saying: I love my car, I miss my car. And I don't get to see my car until tomorrow!

I am just in a funk now. My 4 month old "baby" is in the shop and I can't concentrate at work. I feel as if I shouldn't care too much but when events (semi-disasters) like these happen it makes you care and you start to think, Ouch! My car does smell better than this one, it does move faster, I feel safer driving my car than I do this one. Where is my car again?

It's petty bullshit, I know.

You should see me today, I look somewhat like KR in this picture (see below). Not that I was aiming for that I just felt like, being stupidly good-looking, I suppose.

The reason for the pointless post: I just felt like going light-hearted since I have been concentrating on the deep dark issues that compound my life for a long time now. Since the Reveolutions premiere I haven't been cheery but occassionally depressed Anita. So, this is one that just says, "Hey I look good today and I wish you could see me... but I guess the systems haven't configured our paths just yet. Not yet."

Week of Nov 24, 2003

I pray that this week turns out just the way God intends for me. I pray that His merciful Hand will guide and protect me from my enemies and my friends. I pray that He will participate in my life, leading me to its fruition and to the best that this life He has put me in has to offer. In Jesus mighty name I pray. Amen.

I was feeling so out of it yesterday that though I logged on I just felt drained of energy to put down anything worthy. So, I watched the VH1 behind the music on the Spice Girls and called it a night.

I hope the week turns out a little more adventurous.

kinda

I am feeling kinda left out of the mix. Like there's a big clique of "doer well's" and I've been left out of it. In every aspect of my life, even my obsessional existence, I am just left out of the big clique-y thing and I am left to watch them from afar and ohhh and aahhh that I am not with them...again.

Several things brought this on, but hopefully when I read this sometime later probably in about two years I shall remember what the fuck I am talking about.

This morning to revenge on my upstairs neighbor who was blasting her TV so loud at 6 am, I put on Reloaded way up high on my surround speakers, so loud I could hear it in the shower. And for the first time I actually listened to Morpheus speech to the people of Zion and made sense of it without judging it or criticizing it secretly in my mind. I always got distracted by the fact that keanu wasn't in that scene so why really should I pay attention to it, and the elaborate set up of Zion...why? if Zion was made up of about a hundred people it would have still made a little sense, that just a paltry sum of people escaped the wrath of the matrix and are living on. I just thought Lawrence Fishburne must have thought some kind of nomination would come from it for he played it as if it were...Shakespeare.

I am rambling and I apologize. I had a real hectic day at work today. I got home, feasted (bad anita, bad) and crashed on my couch snoring away. I just got up now and felt it was time for some one-on-one with my laptop before I officially crash for the night.

Sometimes life is so fucking hard to live, you know. It is hard to live it with your chin up and to keep going even though you didn't make the clique, or you didn't get the guy (even though you should have) or something. Every time I see someone, I ask myself maybe if I had looked like her, I would have had a better life. Isn't that sick, low self-esteem, I know. My boss told me today that I seemed happier, she wanted to know if I had a boyfriend or if I was "fucking" someone. I smirked. Maybe Keanu in my head but that's about it. But nope, I am not seeing a real life person. Not like dating anyone would change my perspective on life but that's another story. I am just having fun living in my imagination, seeking spiritual fulfillment and cleansing my thoughts in the hopes of getting more inspiration for my story. If that is making me happy, let it be.

Let it be.

new week prayer

I don't think my mindset is ready for another week. It's almost 11pm and I am not even preparing my self for another boring week ahead.

I just logged on to pray for my week since I had started it off with such sordid thoughts as below. I need to pump myself up to face the week, maybe not with adrenalin but some kind of inspirational surge of energy, a mysterious ray of light sort of, just something that would prep me for the humdrumminess.

I know Lord that I may not know what I want or what I think I want may not inevitably agree with Your ideals for me, but I pray that in all these questions, doubts and confusion inside me, You are able to identify the one thing that I want which will bring me happiness, that will make me happy and quench the thirst for happiness inside me. That will bring out the true Zen in me. I don't know what it is, and I can't phrase it but since You are all-knowing, I leave it to Your able hands, and pray for that to come true everyday from this week onwards. These and many more I ask of You, O Lord.

You'd have to be a newcomer to this journal if you don't know who this is about.

Why do I think of fucking you?

You have a show coming up and my deluded mind says, maybe you can come over and we can shag while the show plays, you make fun of me and my enormous thighs while I make fun of you in the show, whilst we fuck like dogs, better than dogs like hungered beasts.

It was never about fucking you. It was more than that, a lot more beautiful, it was about one day, 24 hours hopefully that would change my decadent existence to one of a momentary bliss. Just a day to you but a worthwhile experience to me. There would be no fucking, only if you don't want to, it would be me trying to distinguish the myth, the perfection from the reality of the persona in front of me, sharing the day, being the day speaking or just listening. It was also about the idea that we could work together. At least this is what I say to Him in prayer when I ask for that opportunity to share the myth, I ask that He differentiate the lust from the love, and the love from the obsession, and the craziness from the rationality and delusions from the perceptions, and for the day to inevitably become mine, my 24 hours of momentary bliss.

Then, why do I think of fucking you?

Maybe you've seeped into that part of my brain that thinks sordid thoughts, or I've let you into it. You are too good for my fucking, I wouldn't want to put you through that. Because if we do then we can't talk, I can't know you, and you wouldn't want to know me, even though you've just "known" me. Everyone I've fucked doesn't, and I think too much of you to let you join that clique. It just betrays everything, it's dirty and common...what I feel is a lot more beautiful. But if we can't talk, and if you don't want to then, I'd take fucking as distant, and impersonal as that can be, I'd take that, in my one day if only it were my chance to have you be in me...not only in my mind.

So I'd say we should fuck some time...I would really like that, and then after that, I promise not to think about you, not even of you fucking someone else. I promise.

couple of things to say

I am feeling very tired after the whirlwind day I've had and I should go to bed but there is a racket going on upstairs, so I shan't fool myself that I can get any sleep if I lay my head down right now.

I just had a couple of things to talk about really, I felt this was place was deserving of a proper update since I've been away for quite a bit.

I spent about $57 tonight entertaining myself. Imagine me trying to spoil myself rotten, it's just insane the way I spend money. Not to bore you with such stupid mundane details but I just felt it was worthy of mention because of certain reasons

1) My sister and the family are out of town on her anniversary which happens to be today --and idiotic me failed to call and wish her that. This is the first time since I moved here some 4 years ago that she's gone on vacation, everyone of my family is out of GA, and I seem to be the only one here. That is a daunting thought. The good part is, I am now on my own, not tagging along like I often have.

2) I guess because she decided to spoil her self I decided to do the same though on a much smaller, more selfish scale. and besides it's payday weekend. I have 10 days to be broke, and for the first couple of days after payday I can spend carelessly.

I took myself to see Love Actually today. Brilliant, brilliant movie I can't say enough about it. One of those movies that makes you wish Ke was in it to make it brighter, more eye candy but I trust the Hugh fans must have found it wonderful. I did even though I am not a fan. It was a good movie, and I almost cried, in a good way, not the melancholic way as in Matrix Revolutions, but in the "I can't believe love is really all around us" way, and I ask, if it is, what happened to me?

I found myself wondering today the fact that in my entire life, no one's ever had a crush on me. No one's ever wanted me, really wanted me and admired me from afar. You'd say how would I know, well, if you want someone long enough, they'd know. It's like staring at a sleeping person, with time, they wake up, if you love someone that much from a distance, with time they'd know, if they'd love you back is a whole other story....but perhaps. For me, it's never happened.

It's always been vice versa. Me loving them, hopelessly, stupidly, unreachable, impossible people...but never one single person loving me.

Hmmmm....

I just thought I'd throw that out there in case anyone wonders why I am often melancholic....NOW YOU KNOW ONE OF THE REASONS.

We'll talk again. I promise.

Character

Every time I see Anthony Kiedis I often feel he is a story waiting to happen. Something about him, he has so much character, the multiple attitude, emotional content of his songs and his general complexity on stage and off, often dabbling into acting. Plus those tattoos. I wish I could appropriately describe him, like really describe him in a story. Opening scene here comes Anthony and I describe him so perfect that the reader falls for it, and sees him in my eyes. But he is just too complex to succinctly capture.

Yes I still love KR. But Anthony is intriguing. Intriguing.

multiple colors

You should see me today.

I have on this light blue and white pin striped shirt, with a white under shirt on, and a grey and black pin striped pair of pants with white socks on. I don't know how I thought because of the pin stripe quality of the shirt and the pants they would go together. My co-workers must think I am color blind.

I did a lot of mental writing as I drove to work, something about that traffic inspires you. Hopefully, after the first hard part of the day I shall go on to writing them down just so I don't forget.

As to the rest of the day...there has to be a solution somewhere for this boredom. Lord I am sure you have some hat trick you can pull, please pull it like NOW.

Yesterday was a weird day at work. The website we use to file our work electronically was down for repairs, so we had to just basically prepare the work and wait, endlessly.

The weirder thing about it was my yearn for some content to read on the web. Blogger was lacking of any updates whatsoever. I kept pulling up this exact update on my main page, and it bothered me. I felt all the people on Blogger may have been abducted. Don't ask? Even as there were no entries, I just couldn't make one of my own. I didn't have enough inspiration to make a proper entry. There was not enough content in my life presumably.

So I moved on to other areas of the Internet for material to read. I happened upon some KR sites. I don't know. Inasmuch as I am obsessed with him (there I said it) I find it hard to go to websites completely devoted to him. It makes me feel weird, it puts a mirror on my "obsession" and makes me feel worse (there I said it again) As if it speaks to me and says: this is what we all look like and somehow it doesn't look too good, it's more than a hobby at this point, it's an..."obsession on a hapless man. He'd think you've lost your mind to take him this seriously."

So that was the weird day. It was purely a mix of boredom, self-examination of one's motives or lack thereof especially at work, and just general feeling of fading melancholy.

And you thought I was boring.

Sometimes I think I've gone too far, I think this is close to obsession, I think, you wouldn't want that heartbeat to stop when they mention the word obsession do you? And then, sometimes, I play off something and it makes me feel as if, it really isn't that bad. Even if it is an obsession, it's a healthy obsession, and it makes me a better person and a stronger person, likewise all my faults. However, the fear of bordering on insanity just looms so large.

A co-worker last week asked me why I was often so melancholic, and distressed with my environment. To tell you the truth I have always been like this, I've always searched for an escape from the present and even when that escape comes I get bored with it so quickly that it suddenly becomes time to yearn for another. She termed this predicament as being bi-polar. That's a new one. Me, bi-polar who would have thought?

I had a very frightening day today. There are some days that happen that just make you so afraid of the day, of the week considering that today is Sunday, the begining of a new week.

Rundown on my day:

5:09 am: My aunt calls us (my mum and I) long distance to ask how we are doing. It seemed too bizarre to me that she would call at such an ungodly hour but she had a bad dream that soemthing bad was going to happen so she felt it was time to call to see how we were all doing. My mum hears my phone ring but neglects to pick it up even though she can. She feels it's my house so you should go pick up your phone.

5:39 am: I try to go back to sleep but can't so I, obsessive compulsive Keanu freaking fan decide to cull my thoughts on the double dose of Revolutions and put up a decent, freakishly honest, personal review. Yes, it does contain spoilers, but to me those things don't matter, I would see a movie despite the spoilers told to me ahead of time. It's the artistic expression that matters not neccesarily the plot points.

8:00am: Review is done, put up on my site and I try to go back to sleep. I know by the time I wake up I would have incurreed the wrath of every Keanu fan six million times over, but regardless I put it up. I just feel that this is my point of view and if no one likes it, hey go suck on a lemon. The reviews I read on the movie were harsher than mine. So much harsher than mine, at least mine I liked it nevertheless. Those reviews were so sad, I should have put bits of it in mine.

2:00pm: My mum and I go to the mall to return a blouse she got at a thrift store the day before. Why she would go thrift store shopping, is a mystery I cannot solve. There is so much on that but I really don't want to remember it. The summary, she was angry I was angry, and I almost ashamed of myself for being angry. I should hate being angry now, that was the whole point of this obsession.

9:00pm: Keanu's E true hollywood story airs. More unbeknownst melancholy erupts inside me. Where from, I wonder. No content whatsoever in the documentary. I guess I shall just await the day he turns up on Inside the actors studio, hopefully to talk about our movie.

10:00pm: My review has disappeared from my website. Where is it, did the warnerbros people just pull the plug on it because it is filled with spoilers.

It's 11:00 pm now. I should go to bed another week awaits, and I shall try, dear Lord help me to try my best to be less distracted, more focused on the prize, and mentally and physically prepared to do Your work. Yield in me the inspiration that I seek, and please drive away all the anger, please dear Lord. Amen.

okay I changed my mind

I just got back from seeing the melancholy inducing movie on IMAX. The IMAX experience changes everything. It just enhances his face, the action sequences; it gives more detail to the facts and the sound quality is superb, the heroism is more heightened. Then, you see that face on a 60 foot screen--amazing.

The good part of it is I think people liked it. They thought it was less complicated or filled with riddles and philosophical mumbo jumbo as the other movies. Good for them! It just instilled in me this melancholy (as if it was not there before) that I am trying hard to shirk. I wish I knew where from. I assumed it was the vulnerability of Neo in this one, he was not as assertive and resound in this one as he was in part 2. He was more of the reluctant hero, unsure, going-with-his-virtue-or sunken belief thereby hoping it would lead him to some result, just like part one.

I've said enough. Too much. I shouldn't talk about one single person like this as if he is a god.

One thing I do not get is why do guys hate him so much. They gave us this survey to fill out to find out what we thought about the IMAX MATRIX experience so to speak, which I was too glad to fill out. As I sat down I heard the people behind me chuckling: What do I like about the movie? I like the scenes that didn't have Keanu in them, any scene without keanu reeves in it was fine with me.

How can you say that? He is the movie, then if you don't like a scene with him in it, why did you come here, he is Neo and thus the whole foundation of the movie. What is wrong with people? What did he do to them, seriously? I haven't met a man--except my brother and possibly Laurence Fishburne--that likes him.

The jeers got worse as I walked home everyone talked about how sunken his skills were, leaving Trinity to fight his battles. I had to keep it in not to speak against them.

I shan't talk about this again, I promise.

I am okay

I am back and I am over my Matrix slump. Well, I had to quick because I have tickets to go see it again this evening. I feel I should hawk the tickets or something. I never thought I'd hear the day when I would actually want to get out of seeing a KR movie.

This is a great day in Anita's life!

I woke up today with a need to pray. I don't know if it was the end of the world impact the movie gives you or just me feeling sorry for myself after I saw it. I don't know. I just needed to say, Lord, how are you?

I am kinda glad the whole trilogy thing is over. It had fans crawling out of the wood work for him.

On the drive home I had planned out this poetic thing I would write on here to sort of describe how I feel, to encapsulate the stupidity and doubts I have inside, but now...I feel different.

I just got back from seeing Revolutions. And no, it is not Friday yet. Friday the day I was meant to see it, it is Thursday and I couldn't resist it I just had to see it for sure, so I shell out 8.50 to see Keanu. After seeing it I just have this to add:

If I didn't love him so much, really love him like I do, I would ask him for a refund. This would total 21 dollars I've spent on seeing this movie. The torture gets worse because I have tickets to see it again on IMAX tomorrow. Tickets I know I shouldn't have bought. To put my self through another torturous two hours watching this movie.

What a sham! A waste! I should have listened to the critics, it was just pure total bullshit. They kill Trinity and they don't even give us a good movie to make up for it. All through all that could make up for it was the fact that I kept saying to myself, you are one fine mothafucka, so damn fine, why are you there and I am here. Then, they cover up the eyes, in the one scene where he should show emotion, and express with those genteel things, they cover the eyes, is it a scheme, maybe he couldnt play the scene well enough with his eyes open? If I can't see those eyes, why am I even watching a Keanu movie? why? That's his one gimmick, Brad Pitt has his lips, Tom Cruise his angst, Keanu has his eyes. The movie was just total bullshit.

I had more fun watching him in The Devils Advocate recite about choice and volition and play off Al Pacino. I had more fun watching Uma kick some ass in Kill Bill Vol. I, there was more tension involved in that. It's just like Quentin said, they build it up so much and in the end it's just some animated bullshit and it just disappoints you.

I could say more except I still have to see it again tomorrow.

I am so mad to bits...

This is God's way of telling me it's time to let go of my obsession and to think freely. Free my mind from the restraints of the hype and perfection that surrounds keanu reeves and to just be me, my own person, the creation of me to be set free. This is His way of saying, its time.

A little bit of this and that

Yesterday I rushed to bed. Rushed. I wanted to start sleeping early so I could wake up good and strong. That was not to be. I was not that tired. And my upstairs neighbor wasn't either, and she was busy having a love affair with her TV. I regretted not spending that time online.

That was just a little foray into how you learn your lesson.

I have a few new things about me:

1) I changed my cell phone, got a new handset finally and upgraded my minutes. Now, the dumbass phone won't ring. This is after I've suffered $105 worth of extra minutes. Now, the phone cute as a bug, it won't ring.

2) I didn't go to see The Matrix Revolutions today--opening day. *I think Congratulations are in order for me exercising some form of resistance.* And rightfully so. It was pouring out! Apparently, it was pouring in Tokyo too when Keanu counted down the minutes till opening morning. It's supposed to be good luck when it rains on a big day so let's see. The reviews are in and are they bad? Some of them I actually agree with and I haven't seen the movie. I'm just judging from the clips. One of the reviews got me all riled up when it read that, Neo and Trinity were missing for half of the movie. Okay, so who are we there to see? Certainly not the Zionites.

3) My mom is coming to spend the weekend with me. So I may or may not have time for a proper MR review. However, I wasn't hoping on it, because I am a little overdone on the K front, if you ask me. Reality is kinda winning the battle and it isn't pretty.

And that is the update for today.

It came from yesterday to a time that would lead to tomorrow, to a time I thought you would find me, to the time when I would look at you and not feel the needle pierce my skin as I ache for a way to say I do not hurt, not as much. It came from yesterday to that time when we were unknowing of what could come to be, of what one stare could cause us to believe...It came from yesterday and it runs to endless.

All weekend I have been doing a lot of manly thinking. That means thinking about men.

I have been hearing about a man and reading about one man in particular.

My friend in Kansas is lovesick. This guy she didn’t really like but only liked because he expressed the least bit of interest in her dumped her. He turns around and dumps her out of the blues. He just doesn’t feel they are “compatible” enough to sustain a relationship. She didn’t even like him, don't you just hate that, I don't really like you and then, you turn around and dump me! It hurts, more than you know. She said she wakes up in the middle of the night with a pounding heart, begging for an explanation, and the only way she can respond is by crying, wailing.

I asked her honestly to think about it, what did you really like about him. If you can find ten things that you like about him then, go ahead and cry but if it's just your bitter self telling you "you do not deserve to be dumped” then, it's just a bad case of bruised ego.

On the other hand, I have been reading about one man in particular. In between all the press on Keanu, his face on every magazine I know and on AOL's home page, and on every station on the freaking TV, I have just about overdosed on him. And that's hard. I kept mixing my feelings for him with my friend’s reaction to her bad breakup. When you hear someone talk about the cons of a relationship like that continuously, it just unearths all the things you hated about relationships that caused you to stay so clear from them. The insecurity during sex, and outside sex, and this specified male making you feel you had to be this person just because you were dating him. The hair always had to be in place, the face, and the waist. It was a rite of passage I could do without, now I am content with the constant longing of the impossible, and it fills me until such a time when I get an overdose of it.

In between my pep talk with her, the first night I dreamt that I dated Keanu and he screamed out at me that I should really stop because we are not compatible.
And I kept telling him to escape his ideas of a perfect woman and accept me as I am. I held his head in my hand and spoke to it: Free Your Mind. Free Your Mind.

Heartbreaking nonetheless.

The second night which led to this morning, it was worse. Nothing I can remember but nothing good enough to remember. I woke up sweating and deeply saddened.

I mentioned that I hated reading about those interviews, because it takes you to a place I can't explain, it's like too much information, too much said about the same things, not enough said about something. I want him to be a mystery, I enjoy the mystery, I really don't want to know all these, true and untrue falses. I do not. It saddens me, in a healthy way.

It builds the mood to write some good stories but sometimes I am just too sad to write a thing I just want to sit there and sulk.

I haven't heard from my friend all day. With any luck she has patched things up with this guy. Her pain just brought up all these feelings I had been running away from for so long and successfully too.

She kept going: I can't believe I am going to turn 30 without a husband.

As if it was an abomination of some sort. Which to her it was. I just don't want to think like that, I am not ready to think those kind of deep-set unsettling futuristic plans right now.

This is the written script of my life. I live it. Why should I judge it?

I ask that this is a good week for me Lord. That this week the first week in November is blessed with the Lord's hands in my life. That he watches over me, my thoughts, gently quietening the storm inside me and that he guides me safely to everywhere i need to be. I pray that my miracle is on its way and that even if it not this week that I shall observe the Lord's teaching as I carry out my life this week as I await it. I pray for forgiveness, mercy, restoration and for the Lord to inspire my 'truly original" idea.

Protect me from all evil and lead me through life's turmoils with Jesus steady hand guiding me through.

In Jesus name I ask this of you O Lord in my life always.

I spent all day stemming from yesterday, spending money by paying my bills and then managing the accounts that I paid these bills from. The start of the month is always the hardest time for me because I have to pay rent and then from there the other bills that cannot wait and do not have any grace period. I spent all that money yesterday and I didn't even leave my house; just by sitting infront of my computer and all my money was gone.

It's the worry of having to pinch and scrape that got me longing for a kiss to make it feel better (see below)

I spent today at work reading my entries from this week last year. It's so amazing the work that God has done in my life, and wow! what a difference a year makes. All the things I longed for, the career job, the kinda job that required my brainmatter as opposed to my perkiness---I got that. A career-fitting car to go with my career-fitting job--I got that too. That was a dream come true, almost a fluke. And then so many little perks in between--I got them.

And then, this year I am longing for an extraordinary thing to happen to me. This has always been the underlying intent of my prayers but now all the outer layers have been peeled and then, there it lies, that extraordinary thing that just defies all odds in the course of events waiting for its day to occur. I still want it, I want it more than I can say, I want to get married and have a bunch of kids, because that is not extraordinary---everyone does that. This is what I want, if I can have my name on people's lips for something good that I've brought to their life's, that would be the peak of my existence. To exist in being is an amazing thing.

I am not greedy...I suppose I am not. I know that as we grow our tastes and wants for this life expands and we become hopeless pieces of air...maybe.

Either that or next year, you all might never remember that I am here.

Will you?

kissing bandit

I am suddenly overcome by the urge to kiss someone. To just have someone's lips envelope mine in a soft passionate way that lets you breath, lets your lips breath while your heart pulsates, and then, you stop intermittently to look up at this kisser's face, knowing he is the one you want to kiss, and that you want to continue kissing, to show affection in this subtle, intense way. No sex, just me laying here kissing you, listening to your heart race against mine wanting every part of you with our cheeks flushed so hot we can almost burn through to our pulsating nerves. I just wish I could kiss and feel the tongue touch mine, and the eyes say, "Yes, I know. Let's just kiss, maybe sex will come later, but for now, let's just kiss."

That would feel good, wouldn't it?