kinda

I am feeling kinda left out of the mix. Like there's a big clique of "doer well's" and I've been left out of it. In every aspect of my life, even my obsessional existence, I am just left out of the big clique-y thing and I am left to watch them from afar and ohhh and aahhh that I am not with them...again.

Several things brought this on, but hopefully when I read this sometime later probably in about two years I shall remember what the fuck I am talking about.

This morning to revenge on my upstairs neighbor who was blasting her TV so loud at 6 am, I put on Reloaded way up high on my surround speakers, so loud I could hear it in the shower. And for the first time I actually listened to Morpheus speech to the people of Zion and made sense of it without judging it or criticizing it secretly in my mind. I always got distracted by the fact that keanu wasn't in that scene so why really should I pay attention to it, and the elaborate set up of Zion...why? if Zion was made up of about a hundred people it would have still made a little sense, that just a paltry sum of people escaped the wrath of the matrix and are living on. I just thought Lawrence Fishburne must have thought some kind of nomination would come from it for he played it as if it were...Shakespeare.

I am rambling and I apologize. I had a real hectic day at work today. I got home, feasted (bad anita, bad) and crashed on my couch snoring away. I just got up now and felt it was time for some one-on-one with my laptop before I officially crash for the night.

Sometimes life is so fucking hard to live, you know. It is hard to live it with your chin up and to keep going even though you didn't make the clique, or you didn't get the guy (even though you should have) or something. Every time I see someone, I ask myself maybe if I had looked like her, I would have had a better life. Isn't that sick, low self-esteem, I know. My boss told me today that I seemed happier, she wanted to know if I had a boyfriend or if I was "fucking" someone. I smirked. Maybe Keanu in my head but that's about it. But nope, I am not seeing a real life person. Not like dating anyone would change my perspective on life but that's another story. I am just having fun living in my imagination, seeking spiritual fulfillment and cleansing my thoughts in the hopes of getting more inspiration for my story. If that is making me happy, let it be.

Let it be.