Gibberish from my desk!

I think I have gained tremendous weight in the past couple of days. From Monday I can hardly recognize myself in the mirror, it looks so large. I have been taking diet pills, the cheap kind, the appetite reducing kind, and I have cut alcohol from my diet. I gain weight when I don't expect to and I reduce when I don't expect that I would or should. I am doing everything but gnaw my arm off to stay awake today. Sometimes it gets so quiet here you can almost hear a pin drop and since you don't really have anything (rephrased as your role is not that major) it kinda leaves you wanting more in the office, as you fight with boredom. I was watching a very old 2003 AOL session of Gavin's last night, so young and the music so bland, no pizzazz, and so much immaturity. It was bad just listening to it. So he hasn't always come out looking good, he had to work at it. The typing helps. So thanks.



There's this attorney in my office that thinks he is the IT guy. He has a problem with saying Good Morning, he walks right by you in the morning and does not say a word. And even when your eyes meet his and you, out of the good kindness and courtesy in your heart, utter Good Morning, like a decent human being, he does not respond, not even with a nod. How uncouth is that. How ungentlemanly. I was telling my coworker that I would hate to be his girlfriend who wakes up to find out that the man she spent the night with, (her first night because after a couple of nights with him, you'll tend to notice that this is not good morning kinda guy) and he does not utter a word to you. You'd be like, "Didn't I just spend the night with you? And now you're going to act like you don't know me." It is just insanely rude.



I better stop here since the Data Protection Act does not cover my emails sent at work.

ho-hum lifestyle

It's been a ho-hum time for me. I finally got to see Match Point this weekend. I don't know if overrated is quite the word to describe it, but it's one of the most enjoyable Woody Allen movies, but not quite a stretch in anything else.

Dear God help me, it's one month down and I haven't opened a single book. It would get worse in the summer, reading in the summertime is almost impossible, so if I can't study in the winter then, when can I? Instead I have been overindulging-food, no wine (I am trying to give up alcohol) and clothes. I have been on a shopping stint, that's endless. every day I say today is the day I won't buy clothes that seem like they fit so well on the mannequin but look awful on me. Every day I say that but then, I can't resist the sale. Ho-hum lifestyle continues. It's like I am trying to fill a void.

What else have I been up to? I signed up on myspace.com. I don't know if I will continue to update it, it's mainly a means of reaching out to some musical acts that I really like. As far as meeting people is concerned I don't know, meeting people on the web always kinda freaks me out.

You can tell there is no point to this post. Last week I wanted to do a Sunday post, but then, I got caught up listening to some Gavin interviews online and then, time flew by and that was it, no blog for that evening. I just love his interviews, there's so much of an honesty to it that just fascinates me. Plus I have been finding him very sexy lately, the tight jeans and the Useless t-shirts have not been helping. Oh, I thank God for my imagination, that's all I can say.

Dear God help me to read, stay focused, help me to solve the problems that have followed (plagued) me year after year, day after day, I just want to leave them alone and move on. Is that possible? Please dear God. To a truly blessed week. Amen

Nothing important

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me No, said No to my resume or just plain said No to my advances, or to any other request of mine, I'd be rich.

Sometimes the Yes's are so few and far between that you tend to forget if you've ever heard Yes. Or sometimes I think the people who said Yes, were probably mistaking me for someone else and said Yes, without meaning to. Because of that I have somewhat built this negative repertoire around me, where I am seeped in negativity and pessimism. It's part of the expectations of rejection or failure, or the brick wall, so much so that when it's removed I fall hard. I glanced the object of my affection, hos xmas pictures holding his wife. You could tell he loves her dearly and she loves him just as much. They looked good together and i looked foolish for ever thinking, or considering what could be, just like I have always been, foolish me considers a future with impossible you. How foolish, this must all sound.

Is today going to be a swift good day or is it going to drag out? I am not quite sure. All I know is it's 9.30 and I am exhausted and I got here before everybody else in this office since everybody and their uncle decided to get here when they damn well pleased. I don't know why I do this considering that I didn't get good points for my punctuation. I just do that because I can. It's part of my culture to be prompt and polite, and warm (at times) and sweet, and just generally everything else that's good that I hardly find in anybody else.

Date time

Of late, I have been buying going out clothes. When I say "going-out" I mean "going out on a date" clothes. It's sad because I haven't been on a date in forever, so I really don't know why I am wasting precious money on those clothes. The only reason I got spurred on this is the Xmas shopping, sometimes you see an outfit and it is not fitting for work, and it is good for church but maybe a little too sexy for that as well, and when you try it on, you look so damn fine in it, that the first thing I think of is, this is the outfit I'll wear when he asks me out, like a second date outfit. I don't know what's wrong with me. The last time I got asked out on something remotely resembling a date was when a friend of a friend asked me to meet him at a night club. I know -remotely resembling a date.

On the other hand I save the receipt for these purchases so that when they gather enough dust in the closet and still no date has occurred, I just go on ahead and return them and know that at least I tried.

So what happened last night

I feel like I woke up in someone else's skin today. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Like a rip-apart-my-whole-body, nothing-seems-to-fit, my-face-doesn't-look like-me feeling. I didn't sleep well at all. I couldn't get to fall asleep when I needed to and when I did I suddenly woke up with the sheets over me (they weren't when I went to bed) in a cold sweat. And in my sleep I gained so much because I feel so bloated, my thighs do not want to give in and I feel like my clothes fit ever so horridly on me. I also had a very bizarre Eminem dream which was bizarre for one of the reasons being I am not a fan, and the other is that we were both assassins in the dream. Sex followed, but I don't want to elaborate.

Is this a good week or a bad week, I can't tell at this point.

Fuck you 2006!

Aaargh! Fuck you 2006! This is going to be a good fucking year whether you like it or not. Good bleeding fucking awesome year.

Needless to say, first day back at work was iffy. Performance review was even ickier. I was not aiming for rave reviews. Let's just say it's the movie of my life and the reviews are given by me, and not the critics. I do listen to reviews, but let's just say they don't determine how the play is written. However, I didn't expect that he would flat out lie about what I should do, what I have been doing, and what my work is like. I just knew it wouldn't have been rave reviews. That would be too easy. And we don't do easy now, do we?

Every time I see my books, I feel like this is a labor of love. I am wasting my money, wasting my time and just hoping for nothing.

But that would have been too easy. Great things don't come from easy.

Aaaargh! I am really trying not to cry. Where's my Chariot when I need it.

She cut your hair and every breath was an Hallelujah

I just got back from Atlantic Station. Every time I go there I feel like a worm in a big hole. It builds an indescribable feeling of unease. The place is beautiful and serene that's why I like going up there, but surrounding it are all these perfectly coupled young people. They look so together and so happy and then, there's little ole me from the suburbs walking alongside, the very fine looking men accompanying their women as they shop, or the very rich, suave young couple shopping for their furniture at West Elm, with the wife expecting their first baby. I just feel so uncomfortable, maybe my imagination creates this unease, or I feel somewhat inferior, or timid, in such bourgeoisie plastic settings.

I have determined that there are some things that make me sad, or put me in this pity party which I refuse to live in. So I am alone, and so I should learn to deal with it, and the sooner I deal with it the better for me, no point in feeling sorry for myself. That will not solve anything. And if there's this thing, be it a song, a situation, or a place that gets me into the pity party mode, I should most certainly avoid it.

Two things, I have realized start this in me.

One of them, is Atlantic Station (I haven't decided yet if I should stop going there) and the other is listening to Gavin's rendition of Hallelujah. That has got to be the most depressing song on this planet. It is so nicely done, but it is so fucking depressing, like "Fuck, I can't believe you just did that! Sang that beautiful fucking song, just when I thought I could forget about you. Fuck you, for making this hard." And I haven't determined yet if I should stop listening to it altogether.

The solution at times to this pity fest, is God and alcohol. Though they do not go together, in my mind and in my home, they often do.

2006

Happy New Year to Me!

Good Night and Lots of Good Luck!