Weeekend wrap up

I thought I'd have some time to write in at work, but work turned out busier than I thought, except for today as everyone wraps up the year.

I had a somewhat fun weekend, by my standards anyway. I went to Breakfast yesterday at J. Christophers. The food was awful this time around. I was craving waffles and omelettes so I had both. Apparently, people do not eat both, so the waitress was a bit shocked that I ordered two whole entrees. And then she brought the omelette with the onions on it raw as ever. The instant smell of that with the eggs just got me all nauseous. And that nausea stayed with me for a greater part of the day. You would think that a restaurant that serves only breakfast will specialize in it, and avoid mediocre prep methods. It was horrid. I almost ran into Marlow's Tavern next door to get me some alcohol to quench the nausea. It was bad. I don't know what's wrong with me. To say I still feel a little nausea today is not too far from the truth.

I did eventually get some alcohol. I drove in the torrential rain to Soho in Vinings to sample their wines. It was good and affordable and very serene. There are very few restaurants that make single people feel at ease, and Soho thankfully is one of them. A friend of mine joined me and it made for an equally amusing afternoon. He asked me what I was celebrating, as I sat there, watched the rain and sipped my wine. I don't know why people would ask that, as if you must be in a celebratory mood to sit and enjoy some good wine, a few miles from your home. That is a bit presumptious. It's the end of the year, and I am still alive, and still here. That is cause for a gentle celebration by my standards.

But it was a good weekend. I also stopped by Tavern at Phipps for the first time on Saturday afternoon to enjoy a nice burger - that turned out not so great, what is it about "well done" that translates into charred - and listen to their local live music. The good part was that the waiter comped one of my beers to make up for the charred burger, so that's always a given that I'll be back.

If I had a job in which I sample and review restaurants, it would make for a very good vocation. I do it now on my coin, but can you imagine if I got paid to do it.

Let's see how tonight, NYE turns out. May go out, may not. The one place I wanted to go - TAP - is sold out of tickets for NYE. So it may just be me sitting at home watching Dick Clark battle the shingles as he counts down. Truly how many places can single people go to and not feel left out.

My sense of Style

I just bought a pair of Merrell Shoes (Milan style) for an exorbitant amount of money. The shoes are comfy and have this very unique look, but I still don't know why their shoes cost a lot of money. What is the deal? Yesterday I used my $50 gift card to splurge on a pair of Coach tennis shoes, you know those logo sneaker shoes, and they cost a bundle too. So much so I can't think of anywhere to wear them. I hate flashy stuff, or something that's so trendy that it's common, like Uggs. But I don't have a nice classy pair of tennis shoes apart from my Converse Sneakers, and they are wearing out on me. They are wearing down on my style, I am trying to look more like a lady, like I give a shit every now and then.

My sense of style is more bohemian casual and then very classic, like a classic suit, a classic dress with no trimmings, no frills just simple and chic. Like Katie Holmes style. Like the British Mod look, that's my style. And that style is not cheap, I don't have Katie Holmes money so my credit cards are taking a pinch trying to satisfy that style. I remember when I saw her in this nice wide leg plaid pants, they were so chic, I hunted down wide leg pants all through Fall, and they cost $60 a pop, and now come winter they are now on sale. My sister got her self and her husband 3 piece suits, you know with the waist coats. I should have done that, I love pant suits even though I don't have anywhere to wear them to. I love waist coats. But I may return the Coach shoes and get me some 3 piece suits. They are too fancy shmancy and that suede at the bottom is so not me. I don't have time to clean that suede after each wear. Really who does. We'll see, I'll sleep on it.

As you can tell, it's just been shopping, shopping, shopping. I got so many gifts and gave so little, and bought more for myself that I was consumed with guilt yesterday as I unpacked my gifts until I thought that lot of people probably did the same thing, or not. But it's just been a shopping frenzy, as if the world were to stop and I need to acquire all these things. It's too bad. It's too otherworldly.

But anyway, back to the Merrell shoes, are they any good?

Work has been slow, hopefully slow enough for me to do a proper update tomorrow on my humdrum shopping fueled life.

I had no idea it's been over 10 days

It's been awhile. Well, as you can guess, I am not going to the Netherlands. I am just so taken with everything that I don't do pretty much of anything of value. I just sit, eat, shop till I drop, and eat some more, and go to bed. It's pretty linear. Everything to stop me from thinking constantly about what I would like, what I would want, and what it s I need. Then, I thank God, that I have my needs. We have always have to remember to be grateful for that. So it's been that, a little up and down, I know. So the 10 days is pretty much fruitless so much so I didn't want to write about it. I am sure there's something remotely interesting in the past but I am afraid I cannot remember it. One notable thing, it was really cold today in Atlanta. Like snuggle up cold, usually we don't get that cold but today was bad, and I think next Sunday is going to be just as bad if not worse. I guess the cold weather goes with the demeanor, cold and icy lacking of warmth.

Where are you going?

When people say my life is working out personally and professionally I always wonder how much of the chips/stars/elements have to be aligned for you to say that. The other day, I overheard one of my co-workers mention it in a phone call with someone who casually inquired, "So how are you doing?" with which she responded, "I am doing well, very well. Things are going great personally and professionally."

I just gasped. How immersed in life's comforts do I have to be to make that type of astounding admission. I don't know. I don't appreciate life enough to make that now, or have ever been. Because both of them are just total opposites of each other; like they bounce off each other - the personal conflicting with the professional life constantly. Most people that are set professionally really don't have that much going on in their private lives. They inevitably have to sacrifice their private life for a professional one. And vice versa.

So how am I? I am still reeling over not going to The Hague (though no member of my family thinks it's a big deal). And I am considering not registering for the Bar. Most importantly, I am still single. I am 33 ½ and still single.

So what gives, personally or professionally?

Talks evolve

I managed to go out last night, by myself nonetheless. I went to this new place a mile and a half from my flat that offered me a $10 off coupon. As I sat there downing cheap good drinks, and feeling a little bit of a buzz, the only guy who talked to me and kept me company through the rest of the evening, (I was about done when he showed up) was this cute short, nice looking neatly dressed (as in no baggy clothes, and no chip on his shoulder) young man. Our talks revolved around marriages. He was at this stage in his life where all of his friends are married and he thought it would be a good time to propose to his girlfriend. Basically that's what we ended up talking about for the rest of the evening. About romantic non-cheesy ways to propose to his girlfriend. I was still in shock that he seemed to act like he was remotely interested in me, (I mean why else would you talk to a girl at the Bar) just to talk to me about how enamored he is with his girlfriend. I would have been upset by it, but I chose not to.

Isn't it funny the kind of conversations you can continue with people especially when you are slightly inebriated. I mean why would he think I cared about that information. And there I was giving him advice on a nice romantic non-cheesy way to do it. He wanted to involve her best friend, her family, etc, on a boat, since that is where she always imagined that she'd be proposed to. Lucky bitch has actually imagined her marriage proposal. I have never imagined a nice location for my proposal. Maybe Paris, looking over the night lights somewhere exotic, nice romantic music seeping though, I suppose, I just have never imagined it, maybe I should, maybe it will WILL it to reality. But then I told him the boat idea was cute, but with all the additional people there, I am not too sure. He said he wanted to make it a huge production. Hmm....a la Nick Cannon. Let's preface this by saying that before we got to this, he told me how all his other friends were married and cheating on their wives, sans wedding rings. Isn't that so Nigerian and ancient. Nobody does married relationships like my blokes in Nigeria.

Anyway, after advising him against the "production" route, I paid my tab and wished him good luck. I don;t have his number he doesn't have mine, and I will probably never see him again. Isn't it weird how my life plays out, that the one guy I manage to have a decent conversation with is in the midst of making a lifelong commitment to his lady. Just my luck, I suppose.

Performance Review Editing

One of the worst writing exercises especially for me who is a procrastinator, "purely acts on inspiration" type of writer, is writing the performance review. It, coupled with any write up that involves, your work self, like some job sites ask you to write about your biggest achievement, or summarize your work self. It is plain and simple torture. It is inanimate self talk. You try to sound academic and profound when in and of itself you spend your days at work doing simply what you are asked to do and not what you want to do, or trying not to think so much out of the box so they do not reprimand you for your "new-agey" appeal.

The sad part about the performance review is that there is no review. It's been predetermined. Unlike a person that is forced to write a good movie script knowing that the better the movie is, the better reviews you would receive from the critics. But in a performance review, it is total opposite, the work "critics" have already rated the movie a C even without you putting pen to paper. They've gone to the presses ready and waiting and as soon as the movie is released, the press prints the already written review. So why put us through the torture of writing about your "work self." 

Spare me that and give me the reviews like the bitter pill that it is.

Shopping extravaganza

I am craving some intense shopping. 

Not your everyday, grab a pair of shoes at Macy's, or a pair of pants at the Gap type of shopping. The intense kind where you come home with bags and bags from different stores, filled with clothes, shoes, a watch perhaps and some electronic gadgets. You know, the good kind where you shop at an exclusive store, say Bloomingdale's and buy clothes that are expensive and cannot be easily found elsewhere. The kind that revamps your entire wardrobe, and urges you to find somewhere to wear your smashing new clothes to. That kind of shopping. 

I have been craving the Apple iPhone for the longest time too. Every day I try to find a way to talk myself out of spending $423 for a cell phone. The reasons are too many and the fact that there is soon to be a price decrease (so I am hoping) of the iPhone stirs to deter me from incurring such a foolish expense. I don't know if buying new stuff will make me feel better about losing out on going to "The Hague" or every other thing I have wanted and have failed to achieve but it will make me feel good, at least for the time being.

Bitter some

I am still upset about not being able to go to the Hague Academy. I thought as the days go by I would forget and get over this and not be so bitter, so riled up, so overcome with defeat or despair. But it is not happening. It does not seem to be happening. And it may not happen anytime soon.

Dreams that don't make any sense but they make you feel good anyway

I had a very interesting almost lifelike dream this morning. Just between 5 - 6.30am. It involved me taking a stroll with Josh Duhamel and I was pregnant, and he was cuddling me, and leaning down to talk to me (because he is so tall). You know like a tight stroll where the person has their arms wrapped around you and your head is in their nook and as he speaks you can hear the voice come from his chest. We talked about nonsense. Him going to Monaco? Go figure, it's a dream right? And how we started dating in February, broke up and got back together in April and then I got pregnant. And he described the period of separation as him "wasting his time." I just found that amusing because I use that term a lot, to describe my time in this country. I was heavily pregnant but I was not fat and my bump had rashes on it, red bruises. It was such a lifelike dream because his face was that close to mine. Normally, I don't see my face in dreams or it's about some imaginary person, or I wake up and I have no idea what just happened. But this was a good dream. You can't do too bad with Josh Duhamel, right?

Hopeless post-thanksgiving rant

Thanksgiving Update: Boring. Spent it with my family eventually but boring and predictable as hell.

Saw No Country for Old Men: Disappointing. Brilliant movie, excellently directed but no payoff.

I applied for the summer course and got accepted to the Hague Academy of International Law. Why you ask? The whole business of not being able to come and go from this country as I would have liked. It crushes me so much. I prayed specially for it this weekend. I even thought of asking God to grant me the ability to go. But that is a miracle beyond miracles and I have no place asking for that. I am not worthy. But it still crushes me nonetheless.

I just feel so hopeless now. Holidays are boring, my life is boring, my weekends are boring. Even the occasional drinks at the pub are boring. It's just like there is a sameness with everything and the second I try to instill life into it, I cannot do it. I would love to go to NY like I did last year, this time I have more vacation time and hopefully more money. But I cannot. It's just a numbing feeling. It's like something said, "Don't move, just sit. Still. For a really long time."

Update to Family Melodrama

It looks like I may be having a Thanksgiving meal without my family.

I called my sister today to ask her how she is feeling and recuperating from her liposuction surgery on Thursday. I forgot to mention below that the reason she couldn't take my brother to the airport, that made her want to reconcile ASAP with my mum was because she had scheduled her surgery on Thursday and knowing the pain of recuperation from that surgery, she knew she would need help and support taking care of her, the kids, and the family dinner. But she didn't factor in that my brother may need a ride to the airport. I suppose they factored in that I would be the one taking him to the airport. I wonder why they would assume that knowing how much I hate to drive long distances in Atlanta traffic. But anyways, I called her from work this morning, but she didn't answer, and she didn't return my call either. And I hope she doesn't call me this evening, because I may not be in the mood to talk about it then.

I get these emails from Opentable.com - "Restaurants serving Thanksgiving dinners." I may have to start exploring that option. Who has the best Thanksgiving dinner on their menu, or take a trip to Whole Foods and get me some duck and roast it for my private and very personal mini-me Thanksgiving dinner.

Today was dark and grey

Well, today had a tone all of its own. In fact, this entire weekend.

I was so looking forward to having a day and half off work to rest, get some paperwork done, and have fun, that I didn't plan it. Some things took precedence and those things just sort of dampened the entire weekend. Last week when my mum stayed with me, and I picked my brother up, they said, take some time off so you can spend with us, and so I did. But then my sister showed up last week Saturday and no one wanted to know who I was, I might as well live in Alaska with the speed they up and left my house, you would think I was a bad hostess to them. I felt hurt and betrayed and squashed and belittled. They left so fast, they forgot half of their stuff at my house, literally. I had to schedule on my day off to bring them their stuff that they forgot. So it was on Friday that I was to brave rush hour traffic and travel down to the suburbs on a Friday. When I got there they didn't seem too happy to see me. And then, what does my mum ask me, to come back on Saturday to come pick my brother up and take him to the airport. Everytime I think about it I get upset. My house is 14 miles from the airport, and their house is 35 miles from my house going the opposite direction, so she wants me who got to spend only 2 days with my brother, who my brother was so quick to leave my house that he forgot his wallet, to travel on a Saturday 35 miles to go pick him up and then 55 miles to the airport to go drop him off. Hmmm...

So I asked her, "Can he come spend the night at my house so I can drop him off the next day?"

She said, "No?" Some silly excuse about wanting to say goodbye to my brother in law, who didn't volunteer to drop him off either way.

So I said, I am not going to do it. She thought I was kidding so this afternoon she called me and asked if I was on my way. I said No, I thought we talked about this. I am not coming to do that. She would never ask this type of impossible favor on my sister, she would never ask it on my brother, but she would ask it of me, because she thinks I am single with less problems so I have time to spend.

She just set my mood off. I was set to have a good weekend before I had to squeeze going to the suburbs in my plan, and then after all the bickering, I just didn't feel right going anywhere. Not to the club I had planned to go, not to the late night drinks place. I couldn't even get dressed this afternoon to go nowhere. I was distraught and strangely embittered by the whole thing. I don't need to live in the same city with my family because it doesn't make any difference, they don't long to see me and that upsets me. If they don't long to see me then, why do I live in the same city with them, I might as well live in Alaska, and have Thanksgiving by my self where people cannot make impossible demands on me, where people who come to see me plan on it, and don't just jet off in the middle of the afternoon, and leave all their stuff.

Yesterday I was asking myself, what do I have to be thankful, since year after year comes and I am still in the same position, spending Thanksgiving at my sister's house, listening to stuff I really don't want to listen to, having to deal with stuff I really don't want to deal with. It's like I have made no progress at all. The only progress is that I moved out, and you saw how much of a fight that was. Then, I found quite a lot of things to be thankful for, and then, they start with their bickering and disrespecting of my time and that just set me off. So he couldn't spend one more night at my place? Like why? And then, he told my mum the reason he went with her with was that he would be bored all day sitting at home while I went to work. I TOOK A VACATION DAY TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM. And what did they do, got up and left. All he does anyways, is sit at home and watch TV, and it's not like I don't work 5 minutes from my house. That he can only spend time there when he is with his wife. Yes, like my home is so appalling that you cannot be there by yourself. It's just total disrespect and lack of love when you need it most.

So now, I am sure my mum has cursed me out and cast every mum spell on me. But I just didn't feel right doing it, and I wouldn't have felt right doing it. I know I did nothing today that was crazy fun, as a matter of fact the entire weekend has been a total bust, but I just didn't want to do that.

God help me to survive the curses and the bad spells.

Is there a Work Rant Label...there should be?

What is it that companies do not get? You leave Job A with Company A because there were certain tasks that you were asked to do that you would rather not do at this stage in your career. And you explain this perfectly and to clear understanding to the good folks at Company B, just before you sign on the dotted line. And then you get to Company B, and just as soon, they start with the same rounds of Bullshit tasks that made you leave Job A. It's like Job A and Job B so quickly mirror each other, that it now lies on the Company itself and the pay to differentiate what the fuck you are doing there, and why did you leave Job A in the first place if you knew you'd end up doing the same thing after all. Oh, the money, or the benefits, or the time off work, or the flexible hours, or the proximity to home, or the company culture. It has to be something tangible unless it just stands as a waste of time moving from one place to another.

Why am I awake??

I am awake so early today and with time to spare I chose to be online. I had a crummy day at work yesterday. I always feel like I am the fly on the wall in the company, like there was some kind of achievement pole and I didn't want to climb it. I keep feeling like there's something else I am supposed to do with my self, and whatever it is has evaded me. Then with that thought troubling me, I came home to try and find a direction for myself, I didn't complete the form like I promised I would and I didn't go to the gym, I just sat at home, sometime in front of the computer and the other time watching TV. What is it that I was meant to do but couldn't, what is it that I should do now, that would make a difference in my life. Weeks ago when I had these same thoughts, right after I joined Facebook and realized everybody else was flying while I was walking, more like crawling, I thought I was being hormonal, but this time I am not hormonal, I am just in a hole that's sinking in, in a person who's sick of being the fly on the wall, wh wants to move from the sinking spot and move onto something else.

Maybe that's why I can't sleep. I am just hormonally unhappy.

Communication Gap

Let me start off by saying that the new Backstreet Boys CD is good. Not great. But it is really good. Great was 2 CD's ago. But it's better than the last 2 before it. So if you hated those, you will love this one. If you like all those type of songs they play in between the sob scenes in Grey's Anatomy, when the character realizes that no one loves them, when the teenager gives up loving the guy, etc., then, you will love this CD. It might actually be great for you. For me it's REALLY GOOD.

Life has been busy at best. I am juggling many things at the same time that the evening is not long enough for me to get through all my chores. I had so many things to get through for the weekend that I felt like cloning myself so that one person will get through the fun stuff while the other does the responsible stuff like grocery shopping.

To top it off, my mum is spending some time with me. She had a huge fight with my sister, that left her feeling disrespected and I just thought she should come sit in my house for a bit and relax. Since she's been there, my sister has not called her, not even the kids. Isn't that a bit cruel? She spends her days doting over her grandkids, caring for them, offering them life lessons, bridging that ever widening morality gap, and then she leaves to calm her self down for a bit and they don't even call her. I was gravely disappointed. We spent Saturday buying them some Christmas presents. That is just cold.

But I can listen to my BSB CD and console myself into thinking everything will be A-alright.

Sadly, as the weekend ends

That's the thing about weekends, you crave them all bleeding week, and yet they come and go so quickly. I had so many things in mind that I wanted to do over the weekend, that as I went to bed on Friday night, I had to write them down. And I did some of them, I even swapped some for other things. Like biking. I actually took a very nice long ride around my neighborhood this morning, for a whole hour. With the cool fall breeze slapping my face and tearing up my eyes and nose. It was so liberating. I didn't want it to stop. But it had to because I had other plans for the day. I had to go to CHURCH!

I went to church for the first time in two weeks. The bulletin from the last time was still stuck in between my car seats. It was on October 7th. I just gasped and thought, gosh I cannot believe it's been that long. How awful! But I reclaimed my Christianity today and hopefully I won't stay away that long. Hopefully! I cannot summarize what the priest said today that made any sense in my personal chaos. I just sat there and prayed for some personal peace of mind such as I found this morning as I rode my bike ans surprisingly didn't trip or fall. That kind of peace that come to you when you least expect it and surprises you.

The rest of the day. Retail therapy, Barnes and Noble meditating and browsing of free magazines, and then a relaxing evening in my home. I never noticed how pretty the awful roof looks in the evening with the lights off, only the lights from the next building casting a shadow over the grey walls. It's a haunting beauty. I should take a picture of it next time. I actually have gotten into the habit of not looking up at the roof, but tonight, it was like one of those castles that harbor a mystery in the darkness.

So that was my weeekend. Listening to the last good album Whitney produced. Not so long ago but yet so many tragedies later. Such is life in between the gaps.

women are ummph!

I don't know why it is so hard to make plans with women. 

A guy would blow off his lady to spend a night out with his buddies, but a woman would blow off her friends to spend some time with her man. At the drop of a hat she wouldn't even flinch. There is not that much respect and bond involved in female friendship such as men have with their guys. Like they say, Bros before Hos! Since I moved here I have tried to make friends with some women, and it starts out fine initially when they are single and in need of company, the minute some guy seems remotely interested in them, they just flip the switch, they instantly blow you off, Friday night after Friday night. So much so they don't even return your emails.

I took myself out this Friday to Veni Vidi Vici. My coworker and I had planned to go together since Monday, I looked at the menu and she said sounds like a good idea. I asked her every day during the week, are you going to make it, she said yes each time. I asked her first thing on Friday, she said fine, I asked her before I stepped out to lunch, she said, fine. At 3 pm she sends me an IM. I cannot make it some thing came up. I was WTF?? How many times have I freaking asked you this question. If you didn't want to go you should have just said NO. I am used to dining by myself so much I have gotten used to it, at home and outside. It just irritated the heck out of me that she would try to throw that one on me, I cannot 

make it at the umpteenth hour. Needless to say I had also invited my regualr buddies, the ones that attended my dinner party to come along. And what did they say, one responded that she had plans, and one didn't even feel the need to respond. Isn't that irritating? Women are just uummph!

That's why I've never made friends with women, I was always the lone girl who hung around the guys, that was me, sitting with them, driniking beer, laughing as they talk about how stupid women are, and they say, No offense to me, and I decline the apology because I know all too well how stupid women can be. But the second a girl breaks up with this guy, she will turn to you wanting a shoulder to cry on, wanting to talk about the relationship, wanting you to take sides. We need to realize that female friendship is not meant for only gay women, or a last minute resort to get over him, it's meant to build that brick wall so your heart doesn't get shattered when he dumps your clingy ass, so you can stop the heartbreak right with that wall and it doesn't have to hurt that much. It is meant to build that self-respect so the man doesn't feel like you can always drop everything just to be with him.

I have decided this time to make plans with myself. Just like I went to the show on Wednesday, didn't invite anybody, didn't discuss it with anyone and had a good time, didn't feel left out except for during She Will be Loved when Adam said, "Hold that someone special." His stupid skinny ass forgot that some of us came alone. I just need to be more about myself and less about, "do you want to come along?" when I know the answer is going to be NO, each time.

More on the Adam Show

More on the Adam show:

I think I should correct myself based on the comment below. There was an encore. Adam did play the bongos. He had this intense concentration on his face which contrasted the ease with which the drummer took us through a drum solo. But overall there were 13 songs sung during the concert. For a main act I think that is pretty short. They have 2 albums that is at least 24 songs, plus all the unrecorded songs. There should have been more. The Hives did 8 songs (8 very noisy songs), just five more and that would have been our main act! But I cannot complain. He sings live, looks sexy as hell and plays the guitar with ease. I have paid a somewhat similar amount just to see Gavin perform 4 songs. But that 20 minute performance was exceptionally electrifying. If only Adam would talk to us some more. Tell us anything...the last fight you guys had, what you were thinking when you wrote this or that song, what you think about touring...something.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are The Hives, you may clap now."

That is just classic European arrogance.

Maroon 5 Concert mini-review

So how was my Maroon 5 concert last night.

In a haze. It was fun to get out for a change. It's been so long since I have been part of all that concert craziness. The determinant was me getting floor seats even though I got the tickets so late. I sat beside these 2 geeky teenage boys that didn't know what to do when the music started. And there was this emo teenage boy right beside me too, that kept criticizing every move Adam made. 

Speaking of Adam. 

He knows what he has and he plays it to the fullest. He just knows that he is the embodiment of sex so he just wants to play it out, not speak, not banter with the crowd, just stand there being the sex and that will just get the crowd going. The Hives frontman did a whole lot of crowd interaction to get us riled up. I had never even heard of the Hives before this night but he got me interested. He is a performer. But Adam just strikes this "I am so cool, I am the Shit poses" and we all scream. It must be empowering to be that good looking and know it and be in a business that rewards you everyday for your looks.

They play good music live. Live music is the shit!! And that new drummer can throw down some rad beats. Totally underrated. But it was the Adam show. Everywhere he went, we followed, my camera followed and the screams followed and that just made for an entertaining evening.

The show was very short, lasted about an hour and 10 minutes. I actually thought they would do an encore but they didn't. I actually got up when I saw them dismantling the stage. Their set pieces are always very simple. No frills, no pyro, just lights that match the mood of the music, and no banter between the songs. And they didn't sing many songs. But the good thing is they sang "Sunday morning." If you don't know this, I resisted becoming a Maroon 5 fan. I thought they were overrated and just plain overplayed on the radio. You couldn't put the radio on without hearing, "This Love" or "She will be Loved." But then Sunday Morning came along and changed all that. 

It is one of those songs that just puts me in a good mood all the time. I've liked it since the first time I heard it in 2004 and I have heard several different versions of it, acoustic, live band arrangement, album arrangement and I still love the song. Something about it just makes me feel like it's going to be okay. So I went to the concert only after I confirmed from the reviews that Sunday Morning will be featured and indeed it was. It sounded the same, they didn't rework it. But hearing it live is just like this piece of happiness you wish you could bottle up and play over and over when that sad mood hits to lift you up. It's just phenomenal.

So that was my night. It was better than the last concert in 2005, better seats (even though last time I sat beside these young ladies that were so much fun), better mood, quicker exit out of the parking lot and a shorter tighter set. But I still think the Gavin experience tops all this.

All the things we wish we could do but couldn't

I wrote this back in March 2005:

a) There was Maroon 5 in March. Which at the time I got the tickets I was so excited to get to see Adam perform live, that when it eventually happened I was unemployed and going through the “senseless” phase, that I really didn’t have time and heart to take it in. Now, I have to wait at least a couple of years before that happens again.

Now, Maroon 5 is back in town tomorrow and I have decided not to go. I promised myself when I went to that concert in 2005 as you can see above, that the next one, if I am employed (which thankfully I am) I shall enjoy it to fullest, scream out my lungs and just enjoy the heck out of it. But I have decided not to go and I waited 2 and a half years for the next one to happen. Why am I not going, oh me advocate of "live life now"? I have looked at the tickets lots of times, one time I even got 6th row seats off Ticketmaster. I just cannot afford it. It will cost me $65 to go, not counting gas and the occasional beer. Small price to pay for a feat I have waited this long to conquer. But I can think of so many things I need to do with $65 that spending on a concert just doesn't seem like such a good idea. I really don't know what's come over me. Between the vacation in April and moving apartments, I am financially tapped out. This coupled with selling my RHCP tickets around this time last year, just shows how much of a non-fan I am. So far it's been a boring year. Good boring, no turbulent job changes (knock on wood) exciting, and asides from my whirlwind week in Las Vegas and SF in April, nothing monumental has occurred this year. If I were to do a 2007 recap, it will be a paragraph long. Travelled in April, changed jobs of my own will and apartments. Now live a mile and half from work in a studio loft. End recap. Sad, isn't it?

I'm not upset

I promise I am not. Just because I haven't been to church in two weeks, three if you count the week before, doesn't mean I am angry with God. I am just ...lonely. And at a strange loss for words. I have been at a loss for words for a really long time, but I still went to church somehow hoping that the words will come to me, but it hasn't. So I just got crippled. crippled by my pain, by my hopeless imagination, constant wanting, never having, wondering what do I need to do to solve this nagging loneliness. Crippled. Like my time stood still. For quite awhile now, and I was the last to know. The first to expect it. But the last one to prepare for such a crippling feeling.

I'm not upset. I just wish I could start believing. I wish God could give me a reason to keep believing. That this has some end to it, and it's a good ending. It's like the years pass by but some constants remain. My issues. Everything else could change, we could have a new president, awareness of global warming, children could age, but my problems would sit tight. In their time warp. Giving me every reason to be upset, not enough to believe.

Do you know what I wanted to say

I swear, I had something really intelligent to say, but it escapes my mind right now. The last few days have been extremely emotional and crippliing, so much I didn't want to work out. I just wanted to sit there and wallow, and wonder where was I when I wasted all this time doing nothing.
I found out that a couple of my old classmates have achieved and even surpassed their dreams. One is a lecturer, getting her double Masters in Stanford, One just shot her independent movie, with a new husband and her degree from NY Film School, and the others are working in Shell Oil, etc. And me, what am I doing? Throwing this pity-party apparently. Dodging Boss's day and just sick to my stomach that I didn't get to decide what I wanted to do and just do it. I keep remembering the conversation I had with my sister when I first moved here. Yes, I want to be a writer. Do you know how many writers there are in this country that are struggling to make it, you would just implode with the rest of them. And I thought, you know, you are right? That was way before I knew that I should never listen to her.

I knew I had something to say. I just am not sure if I want to say it.

What shade is your city

I miss certain things. I miss the black and white tones of San Francisco. There are places you see in color and some in black and white and some in greys.

Vegas was in color, cheesy colors all through. Philly was in shades of grey, some rustic colors. 

Chicago, I am not quite sure, I would say a hue-ish black and white. Like an architectural grey.

But San Fran, was certainly black and white, clear monochromes. Oh, I would love to visit that place again.

New York was in color, but a bright rich Christmas-ey color, rich hues, lush greens and wonderful Technicolor. even though majority of the pictures were in black and white, it was definitely in color for me. Maybe because it was Christmas so everything was bright and festive and damp and cold.

Brother's visit ended over the weekend

My brother and his wife left on Saturday. It's always bittersweet when he leaves. One minute they are getting on your nerves, and costing you a whole lotta money to entertain, and then before you know it, it's time for them to go, and you are suddenly overcome with pity and sadness that they have to go back to their lacklustre lives and you have to continue with yours like it never happened, like their visit never even happened. That's the only way to continue without having to break down each time he leaves. So it was bittersweet. Spent a total of 30 minutes with him at the airport and that was it. Sad it was.

Apart from that my weekend was not monumental. I was getting over the flu so I had a little relapse on Friday that called for a visit to the pharmacy to get some more cough medicine. And now I am at work, groggy from the cough medication. My illnesses never last a couple of days or just a week. They move on to other things, from a cold to a cough to chest congestion, to ear and throat congestion, etc. They just linger until they cost me so much money. And I can never pinpoint how they started in the first place.

By this time last week, my brother was home with me trying to help me recover from the first signs of my flu. Bittersweet, isn't it? You just have to move on until another year rolls around.

Morbid dreams

I occasionally have dreams involving my deceased Dad. It's not the kind of dream you immediately wake up and remember, you are just aware moments after that the dream involved you having a conversation with a dead guy.

It's getting more rampant now and it is starting to worry me. Hopefully I am not going to join him soon in the land beyond. Not that the worries and frustrations of this life are too good to pass up on, it's just that I am not prepared. So maybe it's time I got myself better prepared. It just worried me.

How was your weekend? They ask every Monday morning

I did a lot of TV watching this weekend. This was not a good weekend for me professionally. I spent quality time watching TV, loads and loads of TV and shopping. I didn't advance my skill anyway. I only say that because I know how guilty I feel when I spend money. I love to shop, and I love give myself wonderful gifts, but then when I do, I wonder if only I made more money, and I can only make more money if I knew more, if I was better at what I do, if my work or my skill was not so mediocre. And I cannot achieve the high level of skill that I expect from myself if I spend the entire weekend watching movies. So much so I didn't work out yesterday. I saw two extra long movies yesterday - The Holiday and Deja Vu. On Saturday morning, I saw Fear and the Illusionist. And on Friday, I saw something that I cannot even remember the name. They've all mashed up into one couch hugging weekend.

weekend update part deux

I also did a lot of shopping. Considering that my wardrobe size is very minimal in the loft, you would think I would cut back on shopping. I even said that to myself when I moved in and took an assessment of all my stuff, giving away a majority of the stuff, to make room for the clothes I intended to keep. I just said, you know what, I really don't need that many clothes and shoes. So it weaned me off shopping. And now here it is barely a month later, and I am shopping till I drop. I spent about $80 on shoes,
and $140 on clothes from the Gap, Express and Ann Taylor Loft sale rack. End of summer is indeed the best time to shop for next summer. Hopefully I will no longer be this size next summer or at least have somewhere to wear the dressy clothes to, but one can only hope.

Cursed with Singledom

Lately, I've been feeling as if I am living off a curse, that's why I am single and may sadly, remain so. 

Of all the siblings on either side of my family, at least one of them is unmarried. On my father's side, I have two aunts that are unmarried, they went on to have children out of wedlock and that was a sad outcome. The other aunt has 6 girls, and one of her girls is unmarried. On my mother's side, one of my aunt's is unmarried, she stayed dateless for the longest time, and was engaged (at least twice) and ditched just before marriage. She does not have any children and even that is a sad outcome. 

And then if you go further down the chain of relatives through cousins, etc, at least one of the women is unmarried. So I may be the one carrying the unmarried curse on behalf of my family. I sort of feared this was the case growing up, aware of the status of my relatives, and having to go through heartbreak after heartbreak. I thought this may be my life, it may have been set out for me that I may never marry, never find true love, hardly ever come close. I just remembered that this weekend, because even though I live in the heart of the city, where most of the major Atlanta events occur, I am still dateless and single as a Junebug. I am no Ugly Betty (in the looks department) but I am her in the attitude department, so what gives?

And the dates continue

Happy 8th year anniversary at the Bar to me! This is one of those dates you wish you could forget as well just like my former good friend's birthday.

But I am good with dates, even dates that shouldn't mean a thing. I just grasp them. I sometimes try to remember the last time I thought my life was a good idea. That abandoning everything I knew and choosing to grasp the wind was a good idea. I always get so pensive this time of the year.
This month is filled with pensive anniversaries that I should try to forget.

First KR, my former good friend, and now my call-to-Bar anniversary.

Funk Continues

Funk continues. I am once again in a funk today. It's been a so-so week. Another week where I try to do maintain some effort as if I understand what the heck I am doing, hoping no one would notice. It's been working so far. However, my week last week was not so great, especially my weekend.

My brother and his wife came over to spend the week with me. My brother used to be so much fun, so lively, so funny, until he hooked up with this woman. Now it's like he is someone I don't know. Not necessarily someone I am too fond of. His habits have changed to her habits and her habits are not so great and he doesn't even try to talk her out of the bad habits.

It's a long story trying to summarize these habits, but for example I shall put in my weekend. On Friday night we went out, met up with a couple of my friends who I always hang out with for drinks just like we do every couple of weeks when we get paid. Particularly my friend T, whom I have met up with a couple of times, had dinner with her, enjoyed good food, good conversation and good wine with her and have always had a blast, even in the worst restaurants. But on this night it wasn't that great. One person, being my sister in law was sitting at the end of the table, squeezing her face all evening. So much so, my friends started to ask her if she was having fun. She responded that she was, but you know she was lying. I don't know if she was feeling threatened by all these beautiful ladies, or she was just being anti-social. She just sat there and ate some of the food, rejected the wine and frowned her face all through. I was just so pissed. The evening cost me $75, which you know I don't have, and one person had to be the sour puss all through. It was just irritating. I should have just left her at home.

We ended up attempting a couple of places, and we had the worst luck trying to recreate the fun I have often had with my friend T. The last place we attempted to try and stir up some last minute fun, was just bad news from the moment we walked in. They gave us an out of reach table, poured us half a glass of wine and gave us bad pizza. We turned back the wine even after speaking to the manager but the pizza I had to pay for and it was just annoying. I just couldn't have fun at all. I had more fun drinking martinis by myself on my birthday than I had that night. We drove home and drank some of my stale Chardonnay and called it an evening. I know if it was just my brother and I along with my friends, we would have had more fun, he would have been up for a good time, but he had to cater to her needs, her disgruntled, self-absorbed needs and it just put a damper on my evening.

To top it off (you think I would have learned my lesson, right?) we went to enjoy a nice Italian dinner on Saturday and she just sat there, shaking her head at how much she hates Italian. She ate the starter loaf of bread with the sauce and that was it and rejected the classic Rigatoni Chicken. Not because it was fattening or sickening, just a personal taste. My brother asked me why I didn't take them to Cheesecake Factory like I did last time, and I told him point blank it was too expensive. I was not in the mood to spend another $75 -still recovering from the one from last night which I failed to enjoy, No thank you to your wife.

I keep sitting here thinking of all the things I could have used that money for, I could have put it to better use. But instead I tried to entertain someone who cannot be entertained, she just wants to spend her whole life cuddled up with my brother and not have to deal with the outside world. God I hope I don't get like that with Mr. Right.

Birthday Memories

Today is one of my oldest friend's birthday. I say that even knowing that we are no longer friends. We are not enemies. We just have not spoken to each other in a long time. She is married and has a daughter (possibly 2) now and so our paths have gone in opposite directions, so much so, I do not know her new last name. She never told me. She also never told me her daughter's name. But I still remember her birthday. How is that? I bet you she remembers mine, and still refuses to call.

Women cannot essentially remain friends unless they have a common ground: single, married, married with kids, vacation together, work together, in the same profession, pursuing the same profession, etc. There has to be that common thread unless the friendship cannot be sustained. and once one of them leaves that common ground and moves into another, she starts to attract friends from the new interest and the friends from her old interest or status quo just quickly fade away. That's what happened to my friendship with this girl. And then you remember little things, like your birthdays, and graduation days (which we had in common because we both got called to Bar at the same time) and sometimes phone numbers. And pretty much nothing else. Slowly, it becomes a figment of your imagination, something that dwells in the past.

Why would you say?

I am just in a funk today. I partially know why. Family issues, melodrama with people you love and trust acting like helping you is killing them. But on another note, we had an office potluck breakfast. The attorneys brought in breakfast food to thank us for putting in so much work last month. I had no idea we did all that. It just seems like every time we have events in my office I am just irritated. I try to like the people I work with, but I cannot seem to. Maybe it's the job-hopping that has left me without regard for the people I work with knowing that in a little bit I will be leaving them. But the funny thing is I didn't feel this way about the people at my old job. But the one before that, I had pretty much the same irkiness about them. So I don't know what it is.

So I feast on the sweets to try and get me out of this mood.

Plays vs. Concerts

I went to see The Women of Brewster Place on Friday at the Alliance Theater in Atlanta. It was good. I hoped it would be good and it did not disappoint. It was a very minimal production. No fancy stage sets or special effects, the costumes were about the only really expensive thing about the production. There wasn't a star among the actors (Jenifer Lewis?!), but yet they each brought in their own piece to give the play the cultural impact it needed. The only criticism is with the ending. 

From what I remember of the movie, they brought down that wall in the end, in the play not so much, and as I haven't read the book, I cannot judge that. I just wish it ended with as much Ooomph! as it had when it ended the first half. The first half had so much of an impact, than the 2nd half which throughly switched gears and focused on the two lesbian lovers and not as much continuation of the plot lines that it had so carefully exposed in the first half. But that song that closed the first half, almost had me in tears, and you know I don't cry at movies. So that was my Friday night. Then, I went out with my girlfriend and this gentleman bought us a huge shot of Patron and was wasted m0re than I care to remember. I never stagger. but this time I did. Good thing I was walking home as opposed to driving in a moving vehicle. With all that excitement on Friday, plus I finally got my DSL cable, internet and phone installed at home, I did nothing exceptional for the rest of the weekend. I had kinda outspent myself. Just sat home, watched the overblown and hugely disappointing Britney Spears performance, and roasted some chicken.

But this play is going to be the last one until next year. I have used plays to suppress my concerts this year. I can't tell which one is more expensive. Concerts cost $50 upwards, and you may or may not pay for parking and the concert is always good. If nothing more, the high power energy of the crowd just gets you off your seat and screaming. But plays cost $25 upwards, less would be lousy seats. You always pay for parking (even though I somehow managed for the first time to get out of it this Friday) and the play may or may not be good. I've had 3 out of 5. (I saw Mama Mia in Vegas)

I was hoping to go for an opera type event this year, something Shakespearean, so if the price is right with those I may squeeze that in before the end of the year. I have only been to an opera once, and it was good.

The 43rd Year

I've been wanting to write. But I don't know what to say. It's not like I don't feel anything, or I have stopped thinking about him. I have not. Thankfully. I think about him more just before his birthday and on the day of. I cannot wean myself off this man. Not at all. It's more of a reserved, words cannot express what it is I feel composure that comes over me, and for the 43rd year, I still feel the same. Even in my quiet today I have wondered, what is he doing, is he having fun, dining alone, with loved ones, having sex, laughing his head off, or just sitting wondering, smoking, taking in the day, and thinking softly, "What do I do, what can I do?" It's the 43rd year of his life, and I still feel the same. There are times when I feel maybe my love will take a break, take a breather, and I won't feel the same, then I remember the gentle feeling that cuts through me when I see him, when he speaks, when I hear the mere mention of his name, and then I think this is not going to stop. Do I want it to stop? This is what I am and it remains with me.

Hey you, if you love when you love, hope she is something like me, even if it's just a little. It will make me feel better about this unrequited love that has stayed with me longer than I've known, it's made me compare the real ones to you and how they fail to come close. Hope she comes close. And if you stop to wonder today, who am I and wonder if anyone ever really remembers that it's my birthday today, or what is my mission, or all those useless things that our minds cause us to wonder on our birthday, just stop and think, there's someone out of your reach, thinking simply, just thinking, wondering, why for the 43rd year, she can't seem to quit you.

It's the 43rd year. Do you know where your crush is? Mine is 43 today and to that I say Happy Birthday KR? For that which you are, you will always remain, an obsession to me, so much so.

Closer

Closer. 

Every time I watch Closer, I am just in awe of Clive Owen, of the movie and the language and the audacity of the producers and writers to put something that daring out there and for A-list celebs such as Julia to agree to do it, and make it such a push-the-envelope sensual movie. That was one movie I saw in theaters and immediately thought I need to have this on tape so I can watch it over and over and each time unravel the mastermind behind this. Some movies like that make you wish you could write something like that.

Makes me wonder, do I want to be a writer or a lawyer? There are lawyers that all they do is write. Is that what I want to do? I just don't want to be bored with what I do which I seem to get every now and again, and every now and again I am having to stop or switch out my routine or find something that can imbibe some life into what I do. I don't feel that way when I watch something as enthralling as Closer.

West Side Story Debacle

I went to see West Side Story on Thursday night at the Fox. It was the usual going to see a play chaos in the summertime. It is too hot, you'll expect it to be cooler by the time you get inside but it is not. Parking shysters are everywhere, discouraging you from attending arts events by charging way too much for parking, and then downtown area is so hard to maneuver, even with my navigation system. It's the usual chaotic ebb and flow. This will be the second to last play in awhile. I really shouldn't have gone for this one. I saw the movie briefly as a kid and I remember not really liking it, I don't know why I thought I'd prefer the play. Surprisingly, the best one out of the three I have seen so far -Dreamgirls, Seven brides for Seven brothers and West Side Story - is...Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. And this last one left such a bad taste in my mouth, financially and otherwise, I don't know if I am going to be able to go see STOMP. I am going to see Women of Brewster Place. Loved the movie, hopefully this one will not disappoint and it is in a better venue, so that might make up for the heat at the Fox.

Just purchased tickets to Women of Brewster Place. It cost a whopping $40!!! This is the last play of the year, I promise.

First Week...so far, not so good.

So the move and the first week has been exceptionally rough. First and most importantly, no one warned me that Comcast is actually worse than Bellsouth. I didn't think that was possible. But someone could be lower than scum. I spent the entire Saturday with the beautiful weather, nice scenery, etc waiting on the cable guy, and he came and decided to go fix my neighbors first because his quote was higher than mine. And I spent the day helping him try to get into the cable box for my neighbor and as soon it was 5 pm, he told me, you know, you are going to have to reschedule, I can't get to you today. And then, I reschedule, the next available day is SEPTEMBER 10TH. Yep. 2 and half weeks from now. And I did all that for what, sacrificed my Saturday for what. I was so upset that I cried. 

It's only been one week in this dang place, and I am already crying. Is this the start of a bad relationship? Pray God it is not. I was so upset. I am still upset just thinking about it, how I sat here all day and did nothing except get on the phone with customer service folks, and my community manager. It was indeed a sad day. I don't want to have sad days in here in less than one week... 

Last week Saturday when I moved in it was the same dilemma. The moving company sent me two of the oldest laziest people on their team. And then, of course, I don't mess around, don't waste my time by dragging your feet, I don't care how old you are. They dragged my furniture around, everything was scratched up, right down to my cooler. It was fucked. There's no piece of furniture without a bruise. It was horrid. How did the moving company make it up to me, they slashed $5 off my hourly bill? Girl, you just ruined all my furniture, none of it resaleable, and this is how you pay me. My bed is jacked up, my box spring was ripped, and the bed creaks badly now. My entire shit is fucked up. It was devastating, but then I didn't cry. 

But today's dilemma was just annoying. I ran around and made all those calls just on someone else's behalf. It's just one of those pointless moments in my life, like getting all this education, what's the point? And to top it off, despite the fact that this is a concrete loft in a high end area, I can hear my doggone neighbors footsteps. 

I am going to pray, pray really hard. Very hard. Please pray with me you all. I don't need to be jinxed. Good relationships always start rough and then they ease out, right? I am online thanks to an unsecured wireless network. Let's see how long this will work, while I try to keep myself entertained with other things, maybe reading all the books I have at home. 

Maybe by the 10th, I will tell them, don't bother, I am immune to cable tv, telephone, and of course, I have my free Internet. I am immune. I'll save myself the $140 per month. Use it to join the gym. Maybe that was the point. To wean me off this. By this time last year, I had none of these and I was hunting for a job. So I should be used to this by now. I should stop acting so spoiled. Here's to weaning off the Internet, Cable TV - Entourage - and reading and busying myself with other stuff. I am going to pray, pray very hard. This is the start of something good.

Loft Issues so soon

The landlord of the premises I am supposed to move into on Saturday did not clean it. Actually, it's the broker. She is such a confused woman. She is handling two jobs, a day job and brokering on the side and obviously she is not handling the broker bit too well. She never even showed me the place herself, she just gave me the keys and asked me to return it to her the next day. At the time I saw it, I noticed all the issues but I thought she would take care of all of them, and I must have mentioned a particular dead bulb to her a million times, but she still didn't replace it.

Today I went in there to happily launch the toilet, to my disgust it's been launched by someone who had the runs. It was disgusting. I am so upset right now I knew if I called her I would curse. I will just write her a nice stern email and if she doesn't respond adequately, then, I will curse, and I shall promise her that if I move out I will leave it in the same condition it was when I moved in. And I shall take my bulb with me.

I hate when long term relationships start this bad. It just sets the mood off badly. I just had every issue under the sun with that place today, driving in, the clicker didn't work and then it finally did, and then driving out, it still didn't work. I am like WTF!

Lord help me.

An update will come when I've cursed all these parties out tomorrow.

The Loft

Alas, a few images from the new place. I move in Saturday. It is a tad smaller than current living quarters. It's going to take a lot of interior decorating skills to try to make it fit. Suddenly looking at it today, I wonder what it was exactly that I saw in it. The view is crap. I see the rooftop of another building. Crap! and it is so small, and the loft ceiling, needs to be painted. It's too raw and unfinished. But since I don't own it I cannot paint it. But this shall be my home for now.

I finally move into a loft. It' been 3 years in the making.

Odd thing, and the one thing I was so afraid of. The attorney that I support who has been acting rather cold and unusual to me this week happens to live in the same freaking building. I knew he lived in that neighborhood, but in my mind I thought, let's hope he lives in another condominium, since the neighborhood has about 4 condo developments, and my condo itself has about 6 buildings. The first two lofts I had considered were in different buildings. But nope, he just happens to live in mine, on a different floor but in my building nonetheless. It was just so freaky and stalkerish that even I was worried he might think of it the wrong way. Hopefully he doesn't. He didn't seem like he did when I bumped into him. He had way too many questions though - as in, "did you buy the loft? who's your landlord? what unit number?"

Hopefully I won't run into him much. But knowing my luck that's probably impossible. The same building! Aaah! What are the odds.

Separation Anxiety - You Don't Say!

Dear God please help me. This is my last week in this very blessed apartment that you afforded for me this past year. I was able to obtain so much in this apartment and then some more. I got so much fulfillment from this place than I ever got in my four years of living on my own; most importantly I cried very few tears and smiled so much more since living here.

And for the first time in my life, I actually have separation anxiety. I apologize that I made this decision and put God once again on the spot, asking Him to watch over my finicky decision makng. At the point I made the decision I wasn't sure when I made if it was God's choice or not. But whatever is left of my decision, I put it in God's guiding hands.

I think the fact that I made this decision to uproot myself from this blessed home is what is causing me not to have any excitement about it. Oh, Dear God help me. In your loyal Hands I pray. This week and always.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Packing 101

The first thing to do when you consider moving - pack. take down the pictures you so carefully and thoughtfully hung up and put everything in a box and uprooting yourself, all nerdy and all to the heart of the city. I am so going to be a fish out of water.
This represents 65% of the reason why I am not excited about moving - the packing, the actual move with the trucks, paying the freaking movers, unpacking, setting up the amenities, and then, of course, paying all the installation fees. It is such a burden. Then, there is the fish out of water syndrome. I am so fucked!

Orlando and then some...

I have been so depressed since I got back from vacation. Actually it started midway through the vacation, ten days ago actually and it's sort of gained momentum. Coming back from vacation to work is always hard. You often have this anxiety about being away so long. Do I still have my job? Has anything bad happened while I was away with any of the stuff I have been handling, etc. The anxiety runs amok. And then there were a couple of fires in my personal life that sort of arose before I left that I just didn't quench before I left. I just shrugged them off and decided to go have a good time.

The vacation was good not great. I think that was one of my annoyances. I finally have vacation time but I cannot go on vacation to the places I would like to go. Instead, I end up in Disney, outlet hopping with my mum, aunt, sister and her kids. If this was my vacation, with the kind of money I had, fewer problems and a whole week to myself, it would have been much nicer. But every time I've gone on vacation there's always something lurking that ruins the vacation fun - a job I don't like waiting for me when I return, not enough money, or issues that never want to resolve themselves no matter how hard you pray. Just all sorts of problems. But this time it was different, odds were in my favor for things to go well, but the vacation destination was just so blah. Then it rained for 4 out of the 6 days we spent in Orlando. We had to go see Mickey with ponchos. An experience to share with your grandchildren that it rains even in Disney world, but it was not fun as went through it. Then, there was the issue of the 8 hour drive back and forth. That's two days on the road. Eeh!

When I got back some of the fires just sort of dissipated, which was good and 'shocking'. My problems never disappear, they always sort of linger and last 7 or 8 years or in some cases all of my adult life. Like God just said this time, "I told you, you could trust Me." And most importantly, I still have my job. No fire erupted at work while I was gone. Even more shocking. The atmosphere at work is still balmy. I really don't get the people I work with. And I have a feeling they don't get me or like me so much. This is not paranoia, it is perception. They are a unit on their own, like a government, and you can only apply to join this government when you've put in at least 6 months of work. If you are an attorney you are excused from the waiting period. And me, I am my own Republic --United States of Anita - Republic of Anita, so when you put my big ego against their combined ego, it just causes a very balmy, extremely icky atmosphere.

But the good thing is that with the recent Shia atmosphere and some good reviews I came across on my website, I suddenly feel like writing. So I just may dust off the good ole' keyboard and plug away at Keanu and Shelia. Plus, the more I write in my personal life, the better I become with writing in my professional world. Even though what we write is all technical and straitlaced. And you and me both know I am not the smartest person you are ever going to meet.

But I can't seem to get excited about moving still. I don't know why. Today I blamed myself for erupting the moving idea at all. Why did I raise the issue? Oh yeah, I remember now. I was under the impression that my rent will go back to the market rate, which it was the last 2 months of my twelve month lease. But instead it reverted to the non-market rate, actually a couple of hundred dollars lower. By this time, I had looked at over a dozen properties, considered the options of paying market rate and living in a different, more lively, less domestic part of the city. So once this erupted in me, it was difficult to let the idea die. So as I saw more properties, I slowly fell out of love with mine. I still love my home and I am going to miss the view from my living room at night on my couch, I just want certain things - stainless steel appliances, hardwood floors, separate tub and shower, bigger kitchen - which I don't have. So now that I have all these, I still can't talk myself into getting excited.

The depression has just sapped the excitement out of stuff that would normally get me excited. I know that excitement and anticpation is so momentary and sometimes the end result is even disappointing that I don't even bother getting all riled up about anything anymore. This is not why I am depressed; I haven't identified why. I know I am. So bad that I don't sleep well at night anymore. I slowly stay awake and mumble a prayer, "God Help Me. God Help Me."

Just a little fan adoration

Watching Disturbia for the first time last night, was the high point of my evening. I thought Shia LaBeouf did a good job in Transformers but watching him in Disturbia was on a whole new level. He was in almost every single scene. To keep the audience interested and entertained as they watch your (ugly) mug for every scene in a movie takes a lot of work. A lot of work and skill, and for someone that young, it's rare. Once upon a time he made this great comment about Keanu after working with him in Constantine.

"...he was signing autographs for everybody in the building. We shut down the set until he finished. I mean, I know why he's still working: He respects his fans immensely."

I always respected him for saying that.

Hopefully he won't turn into some messed up Hollywood douchebag going in and out of rehab, DUI's, bad relationships you can see a mile away, divorce dramas. But one can only hope.

so we are back from Orlando!

So we are back from vacation. 7 days in Orlando, and it rained for 5 of those days. We had to go to Disney with rain ponchos on. We even took pictures with MIckey with our ponchos until they had to stop us. Exhausted and in a hurry to go catch the no-sales-tax savings in stores, so don't really have that much to report. Except that the employees at Universal Studios park rides are the grumpiest employees of any adventureland I have encountered. You always think that since they work in a happy happy place, made for kids and families to take their very expensive, culture-deprived vacation, they would have a better attitude about it. Nope, there were some rude ass motherfuckers in Universal Studios. In Orlando in general.

Still shopping for a condo

It surprises me how they say the housing market is facing a tremendous slump; worst slump in history, prices falling, etc. Yet rental prices of apartments and private units are at their all-time high. I have been in way too many negotiations with the condo owners in Atlantic Station trying to get them to break a Sista off a good deal. The first one that gave in, the unit is smaller than where I live now, I would have to sell some more furniture just to fit into that one. 

Then, the one I loved, rejected me because according to them, "another applicant showed up who made 4 times my pay." Consider if that were true - 4 times my pay needs to buy their own home NOT rent. People with my pay are buying their own home let alone 4 times of it. But I'll let that slide, it was either that lie or set themselves up for a discrimination lawsuit which they didn't want to do, so they thought they'd tell me a big fat lie.

Now, I am down to nothing. And to secure the big fat liars apartment I had to give my notice at current place so my apartment community will fill in the reference information. And every freaking day I have to hear that the housing market is having the worst slump in years. Tell that to the folks who won't let me lease at the ultra low rate that I can afford.

raining in the summer time

It's been raining in the summertime. Every day last week and this week. The last rainy day according to the trusty weather people, is Sunday, then sunshine all the way. Thankfully. Today I narrowly missed the downpour after work, because I was tucked in at home. I went to the clinic for this congestion issue, my throat has been clogged with sinus, and I sound like a frog. It was a waste of my money like every doctor trip in this country is, because they never know what to do with me. They often end up under diagnosing the seriousness of the problem and they recommend some over the counter medication, like I haven't tried that OTC enough before i decided to come pay you a visit. In other news my doctor is hot. HOT. He is the kind of middgle aged man I would like to date. He also got his hair highlghted blond, bright blond and cut like some kind of surfer. Possibly to make him look younger. But he looked hot, and I just couldn;t stop staring at him. If only men like that found me attractive I wouldn't be in this dateless slump I've been for the past four years, or more, but i am too shy to reveal it.

It is still raining. If only my luck was that good. Today my boss introduced em to the new attorneys by mentioning that I had an LL.B and LL.M. It just made me feel so good, really so good. I just kept thinking, the funny thing is that it is true. Everything else about me could be fake, my name, my age, everything else. but the fact of the matter my educational stats are actually true and no one can take that from me. Tax law for the win. Decided to frame the LL.M degree for ole timesake, just because.

To Loft or not to Loft

This is a picture of the view to the left of my balcony.

I swear Saturday morning is one of the best mornings of the week. You just have to sit there and laze around, and think of what to do for the day, what chores you can accomplish and the ones you can move to the top of the week. Last week, I watched an early morning movie, this week, I have just lazed around and watched the parade go by, updated a few journals here and there, played around on the computer and thought of working out. Hopefully I will work out, but that's another story.

The deal for the loft in Atlantic Station fell through for the second time in a month. The loft is not as big as my apartment. The bedroom upstirs is smaller than mine and the living space even though it's top notch as in hadrwood floors, granite counter tops, and stainless steel appliances, it is still smaller than the one I live in. Lofts are meant to be big and spacious and oversized. And because I have all these old people's furniture it makes it seem as if the space is reasonably smaller. So being that it's been on the market for a while I priced it very low. and asked them to install a washer and dryer. They agreed to my price but said they would not install the washer and dryer. So I said No to it. AGAIN. For the second time in a month I have said No to that loft. I am just not in the mood to pay that much for that small space and have to pay extra to get a washer and dryer. And then renter's insurance because that part of town is in a dodgy district. I am just not in the mood for all that. Since I just bought the new car that's costing me an arm and a leg because of the insurance and the monthly payments I am trying to keep my overhead down, really down. If I had seen the apartment before the car I may have been inspired to agree to that price but since I didn't, I am left holding the bag.

The sad part is since 2003 I have been dying to live in a loft, the openness and the high ceilings has attracted me to that type of living, and every time I come remotely close to living in one, something always breaks down the deal and then I live in a normal family style apartment for another year. It's now 4 years and two apartments later and I still can't garner a deal that will get me into a loft. Isn't that sad?

The place I live now is great but it's also domestic. It's gone very domestic. And when you're single, not by choice, the domestic scene is mucho annoying. There's a Panera Bread right underneath my bedroom window to the left and every morning the truck comes by to deliver fresh bread. That truck is noisy and annoying. It's a good scene in the middle of the day when people stop by to eat outside, but either way, I don't know why I have just fallen out of love with it. I can't pinpoint what it is, but I cannot stay here for another year. But I am not in the mood to pack my shit either. I don't know. It's like I am so bored with my life that the things I can change like my car and my home I want to and the things I can't change like my status, I want to ignore and keep myself distracted enough so I wouldn't know that they exist. If I live in a nice big ole' apartment I wouldn't feel so sorry for myself. But as soon as that excitement goes, I just look for something new.

This what I have been dealing with for the past 2 months. A whole lot of thinking about changing location.

Good reason for absence

There really is no good reason why I haven't been blogging like I should. I even have a digital camera now, you would think I would capture everyday with a picture, post it and then come blog about it. But no, I have not. I still like the idea of blogging, it gives me release. And lately work has been kind of slow so I need some kind of release, but I just have not been opportuned to blog.

It's like where do I begin. Am I disappointed that the LL.M didn't open the doors I wanted, yes. I just feel like a failure, like no matter what I do I fail. I used ot go out every weekend, every Friday night to see if I would meet someone, and sometimes in between the week, my friend that accompanied on these escapades is now happily dating a guy she met during one of our trysts, but me, I am still single. I just swore off going out again. It's like a failure. I spent so much money, I even went to Vegas for crying out loud, and still I didn't meet anyone. No career, no matter how hard I try and no man, no matter how hard I try. So I just said fuck it, let's just sit at home and feel sorry for ourselves.

But here I am, the obligatory Saturday morning blog. I didn't ride my bike, because I couldn't get up early enough. But hopefully I can get some work out in today. I feel so heavy and bloated.

Work has been ho-hum. I have come to that point where I dislike the people I work with. I can work with them and God willing I can work with them for at least a year. I don't disike them as much as I disliked the folks at UCB, but I just have no like for them. They weren't exactly the warmest people to me when I got there, and something about that just sets it off, and since then, we haven't actually kissed and made up, if you know what I mean. Attorneys are by nature prone to being with themselves, there are others that they work with, but they choose only to talk to themselves and socialize among themselves. Like the rest of us are chopped liver, like we don't exist, like we are unimportant. That's why I have chosen to be a different kind of attorney to do a different kind of work, hopefully international law, and law of international commercial transactions. What I do now, is just not fun. I try to make it fun, but it truly isn't. It is not as bad as all the others, this is actually the best, if we were to grade my past job experiences, this one would rank the highest to probably 65-70%. And that's all that should matter for now until I can figure out if I want to live in this country or not.

I just need to get back to the hobbies I love, now that I can do them. All things being equal I may be studying for another exam by this time next year, so I need to do all I can to enjoy this momentary nothingness. Writing, taking pictures, riding my bike, working out, sitting in Barnes and Noble, just the quiet things I like. I just have been so caught up in feeling sorry for myself lately that I haven't done anything else. But we'll see.