I have been so depressed since I got back from vacation. Actually it started midway through the vacation, ten days ago actually and it's sort of gained momentum. Coming back from vacation to work is always hard. You often have this anxiety about being away so long. Do I still have my job? Has anything bad happened while I was away with any of the stuff I have been handling, etc. The anxiety runs amok. And then there were a couple of fires in my personal life that sort of arose before I left that I just didn't quench before I left. I just shrugged them off and decided to go have a good time.
The vacation was good not great. I think that was one of my annoyances. I finally have vacation time but I cannot go on vacation to the places I would like to go. Instead, I end up in Disney, outlet hopping with my mum, aunt, sister and her kids. If this was my vacation, with the kind of money I had, fewer problems and a whole week to myself, it would have been much nicer. But every time I've gone on vacation there's always something lurking that ruins the vacation fun - a job I don't like waiting for me when I return, not enough money, or issues that never want to resolve themselves no matter how hard you pray. Just all sorts of problems. But this time it was different, odds were in my favor for things to go well, but the vacation destination was just so blah. Then it rained for 4 out of the 6 days we spent in Orlando. We had to go see Mickey with ponchos. An experience to share with your grandchildren that it rains even in Disney world, but it was not fun as went through it. Then, there was the issue of the 8 hour drive back and forth. That's two days on the road. Eeh!
When I got back some of the fires just sort of dissipated, which was good and 'shocking'. My problems never disappear, they always sort of linger and last 7 or 8 years or in some cases all of my adult life. Like God just said this time, "I told you, you could trust Me." And most importantly, I still have my job. No fire erupted at work while I was gone. Even more shocking. The atmosphere at work is still balmy. I really don't get the people I work with. And I have a feeling they don't get me or like me so much. This is not paranoia, it is perception. They are a unit on their own, like a government, and you can only apply to join this government when you've put in at least 6 months of work. If you are an attorney you are excused from the waiting period. And me, I am my own Republic --United States of Anita - Republic of Anita, so when you put my big ego against their combined ego, it just causes a very balmy, extremely icky atmosphere.
But the good thing is that with the recent Shia atmosphere and some good reviews I came across on my website, I suddenly feel like writing. So I just may dust off the good ole' keyboard and plug away at Keanu and Shelia. Plus, the more I write in my personal life, the better I become with writing in my professional world. Even though what we write is all technical and straitlaced. And you and me both know I am not the smartest person you are ever going to meet.
But I can't seem to get excited about moving still. I don't know why. Today I blamed myself for erupting the moving idea at all. Why did I raise the issue? Oh yeah, I remember now. I was under the impression that my rent will go back to the market rate, which it was the last 2 months of my twelve month lease. But instead it reverted to the non-market rate, actually a couple of hundred dollars lower. By this time, I had looked at over a dozen properties, considered the options of paying market rate and living in a different, more lively, less domestic part of the city. So once this erupted in me, it was difficult to let the idea die. So as I saw more properties, I slowly fell out of love with mine. I still love my home and I am going to miss the view from my living room at night on my couch, I just want certain things - stainless steel appliances, hardwood floors, separate tub and shower, bigger kitchen - which I don't have. So now that I have all these, I still can't talk myself into getting excited.
The depression has just sapped the excitement out of stuff that would normally get me excited. I know that excitement and anticpation is so momentary and sometimes the end result is even disappointing that I don't even bother getting all riled up about anything anymore. This is not why I am depressed; I haven't identified why. I know I am. So bad that I don't sleep well at night anymore. I slowly stay awake and mumble a prayer, "God Help Me. God Help Me."
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