It's back to the endless pursuit of life and money tomorrow. Another runaround week begins.

I didn't go to church for no valuable reason whatsoever. I am not mad at God, I am not ill, I am not in one of my angry, depressive moods, I am just high and fervently in need of prayer and direction in my life, yet I couldn't suck it all in and go to church. What's happened to me, as usual I am afraid of my week, if you live in this house and live in my life you would understand what I am often afraid for. I should have God in my life making my decisions, seeking some direction in this distorted life I live in, but this is my lazy ss, not wanting to go to church ass. I shouldn't do this.

So all I can offer is a short prayer, begging God for a wonderful God filled fulfilling week. For His Able Hand in my life and in my going, coming home, and all my endeavours, which happen to be many, and in my heart to comfort me in my shortcomings, which are also many, and in my family bringing peace and value to our lives. And for us to understand and cherish God's presence in our lives always and forever. Amen.

What do you wanna do?

I dont know what do you wanna do?

I wanna sit here and watch you. It seems fair, right? Since I don't get to see you that often.

You do when you want to.

I guess that's what I want to do now.

Hardly that's any fun.

You never know, you would never know what watching you feels like?

Perhaps, perhaps I do.I am sleepy.

Sleepy from me watching you.

And everything else.

I miss you. (pause) Suddenly, that doesn't sound so weird. Why?

Because I don't expect it to.

It used to for me, saying that to any woman asides from one that shared my last name.

Even then, it was weird?

Maybe. Now, you know why I wanna spend the evening watching you.

I share the view. (shuts eyes in obvious exhaustion and shyness) I have a hangover headache the size of...

My Dick.

Wouldn't I like to know (she squirms) NO! Maybe, but no. If it is as big as this headache feels then if the shoe fits.

The size should measure up, right. You're just trying to distract me from watching you.

That sounds like some stalker term, the watcher. Oh, that was you wasn't it.

In another life, yes.

The one that didn't include me.

Sadly, yes.

I'm tired.

Bored.

No, tired. I can never be bored, never with you. I'm just tired. With the humongous size headache, tired. But, I love you watching me. It's unnerving and soothing. That one would derive that much interest in looking at me.

(rubs her temple gently) So, is that headache gone now?

Yeah. Vanished. Guess, it wasn't that big after all. So what do you want to do, now that I am up to anything.

Anything else. With you. It's cool like this. Let's just share the quiet...like we always have.

I'd like that.

I missed you.

So did I. So much of you.

(me drunk and writing about a coversation that may never happen)

If you are wondering what I found in the last entry, it was supposed to be me. Like a "look what the cat dragged in," sorta insinuation.

But this is another thing I found. It's a great cut from one of the many Matrix articles that would bombard our newsstands soon. It's just the sweetest thing, I want to hear it, to believe he actually needed someone.

Premiere May 2003: Matrix Reloaded Article

Between takes Reeves confers with the filmakers, whose dress sense and demeanor owe much to the excellent Bill and Ted, and who sit slightly apart from the crew under a black-tented viewing station that houses their video monitors. Or else he stands alone beneath a heater, towel around his shoulders, a Do Not Disturb sign hung on his face. Occasionally, he will disappear outside to where the production has set up a hot tub in which he sits, in costume, and tries to warm up.

"I didn't suffer," Reeves insists. "Yeah, there's bruising and blood and kicks and concussions and you can't sleep because you're legs ache and you cry when you're stretching and you're in ice baths and you're lonely and you miss you're friends and you're family and you're trying to keep it together and you're trying to live and fight and create for the next day. It's like going out to sea, man, you don't know where you are and how you are, but you want to keep going, you want to be alive."

Gotcha

Look what I found...Yes, I still have time to socialise. It's all I can do to maintain my dignity these days.

Things are good, I just want respect for once. Will I ever get it, respect, power, the kinda respect and power that comes with one's achievements, being good at something, extra good.

Will I ever get it, Lord, I ask you. Do I put in enough, or am I still pulling up short in the humility and struggle department.

Whatever happens, tell me you love Anita.

I had an interesting Easter Sunday much better than last year's when I had just started working as a hostess somewhere. But this one was exceptional. I had me time, took myself out to brunch, went to church alone which is a rarity, and then bought Bourne Identity (finally) with XXX, (don't ask why?) Home, played with Aphie (nickname of laptop while I work on a new one) and ate humongous quantities of food inclusive of rich wine I got for myself yesterday.

I have a lot else to say. Dum-de-dum-dum.

It just escapes my mind once I log on.

Oh, also worked some more on SKOL. I think you will like the new changes.

Whatever happens I did love Anita. I thought the best of her, at least I believe Anita was her real name and she held to her values, and ideals like a bitch to her dress on a rainy night. Whatever becomes of this saga, of my fate, my lacklustre and my abounding search for freedom and happiness and solitude and all things Keanu. I shall still love her, always have, always will. I think she made the best choices, did the best things and well, screwed some good guys here and there, whatever she did, she did for the search of truth and the configuration of her planet in the distorted matrix of life. She loved a lot, knew a lot, was misunderstood a lot, and appreciated every chance she was given. Whatever happens now...it is her doing, and she wants you to know that you should give her a chance to make it up to you.

Whatever happens, I would like to know would you have given her an arm to leech onto the struggles of her pitiful existence, or shall her work remain indelible the moment she is gone like the works of all the greats before her time come, what shall we do with her now, shall we love her wholly now, and embrace her completely or love her still?

It was always this way...this is what shall be, whatever happens, Anita tried her best to be heard.

Okay, so it's been awhile. I am slowly falling into Ke mode once again, and I think now is the best time to garner hits for my Ke website, since everyone would be falling for him and searching the Web hopelessly for material on him even the never again fans. So I am redoing some of my stories, and finding a nice conclusion to Simple Kind of Life's endless love saga. I wrote a little today but it was mostly dialogue type, I find it so hard to write deep introspective deep filler parts except if I am drunk. And I am not. Tired, but not drunk. Why am I not drunk, you ask? I finished all the alcohol I got the other day thinking it would last me a lifetime, I finished it all in a week. So today as I went to the grocery store knowing I needed alcohol, I neglected to buy it since my sister had bought tow bottles. I knew I would regret it because I know her husband doesn't let me take the drink upstairs, so why not buy some of my own. It was a stupid decision, one which my creative juices are now regretting.

So to summarize, where were we?

1) I worked on the first part of Simple Kind of Life, hence did some minor website work.
2) My creative juices are begging for alcohol.
3) I had a boring Good Friday. Too much traffic and too tired to go anywhere and look for any kind of fun.
4) My Internet use is now restricted to the midnight hours.
5) Uncle Sam takes 20% of my paycheck, so it would be hard to save up for the following:
i) Car
ii) Apartment
iii) Place where I can find and maintain peace of mind

The list of my woes goes on.

I had something else to share...perhaps tomorrow.

I read articles from magazines a lot, I decided to put them down on some kind of medium instead of just marking them off on the magazine, as I've been known to do. You should see my old issues with pen marks, and comments inscribed in them here and there. I decided to start jounral entries on them, to see if it inspires the same thoughts as it did in me. I shall do this at least once a week, and send some of it to my e-group, to see if it will revive them a bit.

Jane Magazine; April 2003; Naomi Watts
It's ironic that her big break came from Mullholland Drive considering that's the street she used to drive down when she was freaking out after bad auditions. "I have spent many moments sobbing at the wheel, going: When is something going to happen? How am I going to deal with this? What am I doing here? 'Okay just take a quick right-hand turn and fly over that hill.'"

How many times have I actually thought that, and having to hear a somewhat successful actress who finally got her big break saying this, made some sorta sense to me like a calming cap onto the lid of the confusion.

It's been a while. A little crushed that no one responded to my group announcement below. But shook it off.

Today I decided to fix my car. Just a little tune up since my journey to work is rather longer and across many more highways than it was before I decided to do some work on it. Little work turned out to be costing me: $300 and change.

I can't figure that car out. Ever since it started to give me trouble, my sister said I should start shopping around for a new one. Since I've spent quite a bit of change doing this one up, I could trade it in for some change and get a reasonably better one, while working out some kinda deal on the difference.

However, I haven't wanted to, for certain reasons:

1) I know I do not have credit whatsoever. After being rejected for one too many credit cards I know where I stand on the credit line level, so I don't want to have to look around and find something I like, and have someone tell me NO. This is not like the situation with the Laptop where Dell said no, and I said Fuck you and paid cash for it, this is money I do not have and I cannot afford. AT ALL.

2) I didn't have a steady job. I still do not somehow. I just started my new job, not even 2 weeks old in it, so a car is somewhat of a luxury for me now. I haven't yet established myself in the job, so this isn't the time to be going into expensive ventures.

3) Finding something you cannot afford but you want so much just makes you sadder than when you started out.


So, today I came by one, I really liked. It was a small sized Toyota Jeep, RAV 4, I think, a little bigger than the Honda CRV. It was excellent. I just loved it wholeheartedly. I couldn't help it, the interiors, the year was close too, 2001, and the mileage was agreeable to me. Most of all, it has a 6 CD changer installed. But the monthly on it, is so out of my league, so outta my league, I couldn't begin to make that kind of money in this lifetime.

However, that is my dilemma. This comes after reading that Keanu bought all the Stunt members of his Matrix crew Harley Davidsons. Hmmm...what problems I need solving in this life, a guardian angel is very mch requested for at this rate.

Okay, so I was supposed to write in here, but a lot has happened. And not so much of it is positive. But there is positivity in this world like:

1) I still have my job.
2) My car still works.

So what happened? I got my Premiere issue on Thursday and it has Keanu in Matrix gear on the cover. So now, I have a Vin Diesel cover, and a tasty Ke cover for myself. The escapism I crave. If only it were real.

You know how life gets so screwed up that you start to wonder, why am I screwed, why am I almost 29 and having to deal with these kind of super stupid, childish overbearing depressing issues. There really is more to the world, to my life. I promised myself that once I got a job, I wold stop obsessing about that and move onto other issues, like the search for a partner, getting better at my job, trying to become an expert in my field--that is so hard. So now, why should I be facing this kind of stupid stuff now like I am a teenager.

Do I still want escapism, yes. Now, more than ever. I have always wanted to escape the present longer than I know of myself, since I was in high school all those days in that class in boarding school, longing for a way to leave suddenly. The present has never really given me that much joy as it should.

Do I want the impossible, yeah! Isn't that what life and faith teaches us, to believe in the impossible and it would happen. Why should I stop now, why should I be asked to conform and to wait on the boring now. It is so misconstrued and conventional.

You can tell from my tone, I am not somewhat as happy as I should. I had so much to write during my abstinence from the computer, and I thought I could put it down as notes in my Outlook corner but then, I just lost the Zen in my Ying. I am writing in here now, slightly tipsy from 2 glasses of wine and hungover on love of the impossible and a lack of excellence in my job.

I promise to write down in my Notes next time, if I experience any abstinence from the NET which I have been confined to, so hopefully it shall seem more coherent than it is now. It is too bad to have to read back on this and have it not make any sense. But I got as much of it out as I should to feel better.

Bits and Articles

I really should stop writing in here. 

For unknown reasons, which hover around the fact that no one reads this, even the people that do are people that know me, like the people I have once upon a time interviewed with and I am too embarrassed to let them read about my stupidity: crushes, love poems, alter ego bits of me that are so different from my every day self-sufficient, determined persona. This just means, I can't be myself here, since people I know read it, but I feel like being myself here because it is the least read of my journals, so why not let my hair down without feeling embarrassed.

Whatever, Anita! what do you have to say?

I had an interesting morning, very calm and peaceful. I got to work waaay early again. This spring break seems to be slowing down the traffic just in time for me to get there at a minute past 7. So since I don't yet have the key to the office I decided to go to Publix, and get me a salad for lunch. Who do I see as I knowingly waltz into the magazine department to feed on my magazine bingeing. Vin Diesel on this month's issue of DETAILS magazine, looking delicious. So delicious, I decided to go on a whim and buy it, something I don't do since I am already subscribed to about 5 magazines alone.

It was a good read. The article, and the wonderful pictures in it. As far as I can remember I don't think I have ever read a proper article on him. It's just been tidbits here and there, and interviews on the random late night talk shows like Jay Leno, etc, and little one liners disbursed online or in the tabloid section. It was a good article too. It was informal and very informative too. It let you see the other side of him, as much of a side as he is apt to give into in these interviews. It just let him talk about himself, what he does everyday, what he is thinking about at the moment as opposed to:

"Who are you dating? what are you working on? What is the movie about?" Blah, blah, blah!!! Like a Rollingstone interview before they sold out to groups like The White Stripes, The anything?

So what can I deduce from it. I may leave that for tomorrow's entry.

American Idol is on and they are supposed to be singing No. 1 hits, I hope they do I Want It That Way by BSB.

It's Monday. Arrived work 45 minutes early. Had to wait in car because I don't have the key to get in. Still couldn't get my work done by 5 o'clock. Came home super exhausted and starved because I couldn't observe lunch, waay too much to do. I am about to go to bed soon.

It's Monday and yes, I am still in the mood for a hibernatory vacation. All through my drive to work and back couldn't stop thinking about it. Perhaps, I am living in the wrong time, because I always seem to want things I don't have, and when I get them, I then, begin to want for another. Perhaps it is just in the peculiarity of me, that's why I want what I cannot have. All The Time.

Feel like inserting a Keanu pic but I am too tired and can't find the right one that would fit my mood.

I seem to be writing in here a lot lately.

I feel like having a hide out vacation. A hibernatory one. The kind this character in my story, Shelia gets to take. She goes out to a small windy town in Maine and lives in a small house by the ocean and does nothing but write, eat breakfast at the local coffee shop, get her news from the dailies and submit all her work online or by mail. It would be one of those "finding myself" forever trips, and I would still have sustenance but I would have lots of time to find myself, away from the hustle and bustle of trying to prove myself or trying to be something I try so hard to be.

That was the whole idea of buying this laptop, to work on my writing, to find a way to work my way into living that kinda lifestyle, though I know I am so far from it, there is nothing I do or can do that wouldn't require me to work. That lifestyle is too bourgeoise for me. But since I got the pc I still haven't been able to get back into the groove of even typing fast enough.


However back to my weekend. In my yearning for a hibernation crossed with re-reading some chapters in my stories, I thought about editing, My Love Where Art Thou, that episode of Simple Kind of Life where Shelia falls in love, really falls in love for the first time with some other man asides from Keanu. At first, I had made it AJ, it still is on the site that is, but I thought of doing some re-writes on it this weekend, maybe because I don't feel for AJ like that anymore---yes, I loose interest quickly what else is new---and because I thought this is one of her first chances at love, I wanna make it someone memorable, who would pose somewhat of a threat where Keanu is concerned, who would look like he could sweep her off her feet and would eventually. You can only guess who my mind went to. Well, actually there are supposed to be two great loves: I am thinking of making her fall in love once again in Maine, just before he comes back to her. I know Anthony would play a part I just don't know where, perhaps he should play AJ"s part since they both have similar qualities, tattoos and music. Then, the later part....maybe Vin. Who knows? Or someone crafted in his likeness, whatever that may be...so that's what I've been thinking about, my work, my stories, my craft, and my dream to become a good fucking writer, who can afford to live out on my own and still be famously wealthy.

Lastly, I am thinking of buying a domain, maybe right here on blogger and then, I'd post Simple kind of life on it. It would require a lot of advertising since many peoople already know that address but I just feel like this is the time to get the exposure I feel like I deserve and at $5 a month, you can't go wrong.

So good luck to my yearn for writing, my craft as a lawyer, and my life as a woman.

I pray I have a good week too. Amen!

So I was a day late and a few moments short of seeing my man Vinny's new movie A Man Apart but I still got there. I went with my mum, a fan and my sister, a closet Vin fan dragged her kids along even though I told he it was rated R. "We saw Eddie Murphy movies when we were kids and we still turned out okay...so it's fine." This was her reason for excusing the bad language they had to listen to.

Anyway, back to the movie. How can I describe it? You know how you get so mad, so enraged that you don't know what to do about it, where to take it out on, what or why do you feel this way? And then you see a movie like that, and you're like I wish I could exert my anger like that. I wish I could write a movie on exertion of rage. Not bad exertion like the serial killer kind, just, let's knock some glasses down, tear some shit up, scream our lungs out, just do something. Needless to say Vinny was mad from the moment the movie started. And every MoFo that got in his way he dealt with the Vinny way. Every bit of that exertion was fun, intense and thrilling to watch. Even the part where he embarasses this stripper who offers him a lapdance: "Get the fuck off my lap. Give yourself some fucking respect." yeah, who's idea was it to include that in the script?

I enjoyed it. It was one of those movies that make you feel like you've just been overcome with a total Vin Diesel experience. And I can't remember the last time I felt that way. I rank it right there with The Hunted and The Bourne Identity. Movies about knocking the lights out of people.

The thing that shocks me about Vin is, he always seems so mad, so angry, enraged in his movies, like he has a quick infuriating temper, the kinda man that can kill a guy with his bare hands. On the otherhand, he is so soft-spoken that I doubt if that is the case in real life. Then, you go to method actors like Russell Crowe who on the other hand is Hollywood's bad boy. In his movies he is the soft, gentle timid guy: A Beautiful Mind, The Insider. Life doesn't imitate art I guess in this instance.

What about Keanu? Mr. Always Searching, always searching for Neo. I can't figure that man out, I guess that's why I keep coming back to him, foolishly, hopelessly.

I wonder why I am so disatisfied with everything, or just the internal me. Why do I seek or want things or a life I obviously cannot have. What is wrong with me? This is not supposed to be a sad update though.

So what do you wanna do tonight?
I don't know what do you wanna do?
Anything, anything that has you in it, that cold hard stare you give me, I feel it is not fair that I am at a crossroads with myself, it is not fair.
You still haven't said what you wanna do?
Anything, nothing, maybe nothing, everything. It will have you in it right, so it's fine. Let's do it.

New Job. New Hills.

A few updates since I am ill as a dog. Added to my allergy, my period is coming on, so Imma have to deal with cramps, sinus headache, itchy red eyes, and all else.

Does this happen to you in your sleep, you get a good suggestion about how to do something, or remember a mistake you made on a paper you filed or a transaction that happened earlier on in the day, then, you say, "That's it I forgot to do this, that's what I was forgetting, or what I need to do is...?" Sometimes, you remember it till you wake up and sometimes you don't.

I just had that kinda thought whilst I was sleeping.

My new job is hard as hell. I didn't know it was gonna be that hard. I just promised myself to make some templates from my computer here so that having to file all those documents wouldn't have to take me one hour for one, so all I would then have to deal with would be the phone calls to creditor's and trustees, and of course evasive money-owing clients. However, it is hard as hell. I don't know what's harder, the new job's duties or the fact that I am sick, and quite too uncomfortable to be assimilating what the hell is going on.

I heard things have fallen apart at my old job. Everyone is working a single shift with little or no room for lunch. Somehow makes you say, Thank you Lord that I got out at the right time, I would have been frustrated and infuriated all at once. Thank you, Lord. Just wish the new job wasn't so hard, or in "that" part of town, you know. But I am a beggar not a chooser in this situation. I still say thank you all the same.

Also, as to the broke factor. I got my first paycheck today. Didn't that solve the broke factor right away? Now, I don't know what to with myself. Make all my payments on my maxed out credit cards or just wait for another 2 weeks until I get my next paycheck so I don't run out of money during the week. I tell you what's bugging me, getting my car fixed, wonder if I can squeeze that in somewhere.

So who's going to A Man Apart tomorrow. Yes, me. My eyes were too sore to attempt it today, hopefully tomorrow there shall be a little respite. Hopefully.

Be sure to tell you all about it. Critics reviews were bad, really bad.

I am soon to file for Chapt. 7 bankruptcy I can see it, I don't want it, I reject it in Jesus name, but it's like what am I doing to myself? And it is so ironic that I started my new job working as a bankruptcy paralegal and I am now almost falling into the pith of all those helpless people that I read their files everyday.

How so, let me recount the ways:

1) I have only $90 and some change in my checking account as of today.

2) Following my appointment at new and almost disappointing new job, I charged my only credit card to the tune of $200, on getting a leather chair for my room, some office material for my self and a fax machine which I used to look and find said job.

3) Also following said job, I bought some new clothes, official kinda clothes for the job, I felt I needed to look the part. Little did I know about said office--let's just say it turned out more hectic and work-oriented than professionalism and overly officious. So my Rich's and Macy's cards are now completely maxed out. I ain't lying.

4) Then, my only credit card decides to charge me $30 in addition to the amount I maxed on it, not a late charge fee, just what they term as an "annual fee, I don't know what that is supposed to mean but I am looking into that right now.

5) I have spent about $20 on gas, $10 on lunch which I had to bump off my mum, and then, a whole lot of engine work which is needed on my car because of the wear and tear of job hunting/attending is having to wait because hey, I can't afford it.

6) Said job has not discussed anything regarding salary with me. I have not signed letter of employment, or a W2, so at this point I feel like I am working for free.

7) My car payment is due, it was due as of yesterday, so I have to find $250 from somewhere, anywhere!!!

8) I quit my other job. So there is no money coming in from that angle.

So, as you can see my problems are lining up, I guess this is what happens when your 29th birthday is just 2 months away. problems of maturing. I talked to my sister and she hinted that I should talk to the new company about my pay, W2, and all other nick-nacks. My mum said I shouldn't. I feel like I shouldn't, I feel that money is such a delicate thing that you shouldn't have to have to mention it to someone, especially a new employee, they should know. It's just ethical that they do.

I just hope something comes through for me because I would hate to have no means of paying my bills. It's too close to my birthday to have financial problems or shall I say fiasco!