I'd like to believe I know what I am doing but I don't. I like to believe I can stop at any time but I cannot. I will not. It would hurt too much, if I stop it or if he. People say it's just because of the good sex, but it's not. It's the in-betweens. The laughter, the tenderness, the listening and the foolishness. It's the in-betweens that I am starting to fall for. It's the moments when I find myself laughing for no utter reason and... it's the sex too.
Trust me I don't know what I am doing. I wish I could wave a wand and determine that he felt the same way, but I don't think so. In the faint back of my mind, I am almost certain that he's promised to another. I don't know why, it's just a gut feeling. He said something yesterday that caused me to pause. Two things actually: He said, say goodbye to me now unless it would hurt really much; and, in a month that I would hate him at first but may still want to be his friend.
I think it's the latter that confirmed my fear. This is "attorney" guy all over again. A month from now, it's his birthday and if you're reading this you know what happened with "attorney" guy and the ill-fated birthday. I just don't even want to think about it. Once guys say it's their birthday I just instinctly remove myself from that equation. Let's not pretend that we can make plans together because I'm certain, almost positive, you've made plans with another. This is not being pessimistic, it's being realistic. So, what do I do?
Brace myself. Brace myself for another crash landing...and then, hope, because just as soon as I thought I would never feel again, I did, so after him, I know I will for another. I just have to brace myself and wait for what's mine.
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