emotional roller coaster

I've just been on an emotional roller coaster lately.

So far, Trouble and I have decided to keep it "light." Whatever that means. I told him yesterday that I've never in all my dating years discussed the status of a relationship or the direction of a relationship with anyone. We've just gone with the flow. Maybe that's why I have more affairs than relationships, even though, I've had a lot of passionate affairs. I think the status discussion just sort of halts the passion and makes everybody stand straight, think straight, act straight...takes the fizzle out of it. It certainly took the fizzle out of ours. We promised never to discuss it again, just to try to keep the fizzle in it. Even though I didn't tell him about it ruining the fizzle. I probably should do. The talk helped me. At some point I felt like I was having an affair with a married man, you don't know where his head is at, you don't know if he likes you, if he at least wants to have this hot affair with you. It's like this crazy puzzle I cannot unravel. And it keeps me thinking. Constantly. He has this code for when he goes to visit other women, he says, "I'm at my friend's place." When the friend doesn't have a name, you know it's a woman. If this was a married man, he would tell you straight up, I am going to see my wife, and you know it and you accept it and don't try to feel jealous about it. With him, it's the not knowing, the demands to keep it light meanwhile he has so many of us spread across town, it's his insistence on calling the shots on his emotions, it's that and more... it just keeps me on an emotional roller coaster. 

I don't fucking know what to do about it. 

I keep thinking, end it now. But then he calls and I forget about all my anger and insistence to end it. If I end it, what's my reason...because he insisted on keeping it light, because I maybe falling hard, because he made these rules that seemed to suck out the fizzle. Because my head is spinning and it's never a good thing when my head spins. Maybe I should just gently ease out of it. I say that and the next day he calls me all day. Or he doesn't call at all and I am left feigning for him. Emotional. Fucking. Roller. Coaster.

One part of me likes him. He is so similar to my brother in some ways. I think "Is this a sign?" One part knows this cannot be who I end up with, why do I know this...because he is so fucking complicated that I can't take it. He doesn't like poetry or words or arts. He is not an artist at all except for the photography. I read him some poetry and he freaked out, seriously freaked, his face turned all red. He constantly alludes to the fact that he would rather be with some hot woman. And I think fuck it, go on then, I don't need you being with me and wishing you were with someone else. 

But then I think, why not have a bit of fun with it? What's bad about an affair in April? That's what I told him yesterday. Yes. It is fun. Except someone decided to take out all the fizzle and write the rules and have code for other women. 

I don't know why we as women need men. Why do we? Why is it the one we want never wants us at the exact same time just so we can have fun for however long it lasts, one month, two weeks, intense two week affair, why couldn't I at least have that?