The Death of King Negro

Every day without the use of sleep aids or antihistamines, I tend to wake up between 2:30 and 3:30 am. I remain awake in this sleepless state until 5:30 am. I get to work with bags under my eyes and understandably irritable. When you wake up that early in the morning, you question everything. Every life choice you’ve ever made. From kindergarten to present day, right down to what you ate for dinner, asking yourself if for some reason it contained energy or multivitamins that have caused you to stay awake.

Of course, my thoughts always go to the inevitable. I ask myself what did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do better? What conviction can I make and be sure to keep it? You remember that text that you sent once upon a time, and sending it doesn’t seem like such a good idea at 3:30 am. Then, you think of some other text you need to send, and sending it seems like such a wonderful idea at 3:30 in the morning. These random thoughts continue to wrestle with you until sleep finally comes to your rescue.

I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean. What is it about? What am I supposed to grasp from the 3:30 am wake up call? And am I supposed to use it to get to know myself better. I know myself enough and some parts of myself, my decisions I don’t really like, some decisions that I’ve made that have affected myself, I don’t really know why I made them. Then, I make “better” decisions but I find it hard to keep to them.

What did I hope to gain from everything?

I don’t know. I do know. So many reasons. I try to rationalize those reasons to myself and maybe the more I do, my impulses will make sense. Maybe those reasons have caused me to wake up daily at 3 am.

All I know is simply this:

I am someone who is looking for love. Real Love. Ridiculous. Inconvenient. Consuming. Can't Live Without Each Other. L O V E. That's the future I am looking for that I hope one day, God willing, I will attain. And I want that person to describe me with such youthful enthusiasm that his face glows just remembering how much in love with me he is.

They say, when you lead with love and light, you can expect nothing but good results. Well then, my love and light is earnestly seeking...L O V E.