I have been home all day and I plan on staying home most of the 3-day weekend. I figured since the restaurants would be playing the game which I am not interested in I may not want to partake of such a horror; also I might as well spend as much time in my flat as possible so that when I pay the rent of 635 I won't keep asking myself why I spend that much on the place when I spend roughly 12 hours or less in it per day.

Yesterday I dialed Uninteresting guy's number about 20 times. I shit you not 20 times! With my phone, cell phone, a phone card. I keep having this momentary lapse of judgment that is urged by the all sweet nothings he filled my ears with about how much he cared and cherished our friendship and wanted to make it work. I keep thinking surely he must be thinking about me, or missing something about me just as much as I am missing something remotely about him. I miss the fact that the phone does not ring in my flat anymore. I don't have anyone to occupy my time and tell me stuff that may not really interest me. I miss the fact that he cuddles up to my breasts when he sleeps as opposed to me sleeping on his narrow chest. Isn't it weird that I should miss some of these stuff now? I just wanted some sort of closure on all this, Him to tell me, I am sorry I do not feel that way anymore and me to say really, that means you never did feel that way in the first place and for it to all lay to rest as a very interesting (funny that I should describe it as that) holiday fling. At least I ended the 4 year drought, which is something I should be proud of meself for.

Something in my mind keeps remembering the time I told him (which is true) that I sometimes wake up and totally hate someone I am with, I do a complete 360, it's happened a few times and sometimes its the total opposite I could turn round and completely like them--as in his case. But then he assured me that he would not let that happen, the second he finds me sinking into the deep dark land of hate he would swiftly draw me back to shore.

Is it fair that I should remember these things now?

After the frantic phone call session which didn't succeed in getting anything resolved--I wonder why and they say aggression is the best way to win a man's heart. I just sort of came out myself and looked at myself, thinking that the same things that he admired about me I am losing grip of. He liked it that I was a strong assertive type person, who didn't rely on anyone to succeed and who had made it considerably on her own. I had shattered that illusion by succumbing to weak female type that dials dumpee boyfriend's number spastically on a Friday night when she is in much need of a shag. I just vowed to get back to that strong assertive person, and if at any luck I can convince my heart that he is not the one and it was just a temporary loss of sanity that got me keyed into him in the first place and I sit and dwell on all the things about him that I really didn't like (and trust me they are many) I may be able to do the complete 360 into the dark hole of hate as I have wanted, as I had several weeks ago been lured to (until the stupid child pulled me back) and as I should have. This should have been my break-up not his, and maybe it would be, if only I can get my head to fall back into my heart.

So I have not called or done anything drastic. I have sat home, cooked, paid my bills online reordered my HBO channels and gotten a visitor aka my period (wow! I am so happy for that)

Number shall not be dialled I say this with a promise and a vow and also a prayer for whatever's left of my dignity.