what is wrong?

I remember now, what I wanted to write about when I logged on last night. Sometimes, when I am quiet for even a second, I go into this mood, where I feel like crying, for no good reason at all. I just go from high to low, to deep in the gutter and I want to just start bawling. I have been shopping for myself more lately, I don't know why I feel retail therapy will help me, when my outstanding credit card debt is one of my looming problems. However, I was looking forward to hitting the stores after work last night, to get a feel of the after-Xmas sales. Truly, I couldn't think of anything else all day. It was like an event in my life. (So sad!) I did go to the mall, even though it ended up being very disappointing, the sales were really not that good, and my mood was made worse because they took a great share of my evening and didn't give it any good deals in return. I come home, hungry and rummaging through my freezer, I just sto in between and have this sudden urge to just bawl out. Why?

I was thinking of what my ideal career might be. One that came to mind is to write for TV. I wrote for a radio series about 4 years ago, and the training I obtained from that experience I inculcated into my Shelia series, and it remains one of the best jobs I have ever had. However, it would be nice to write for a TV show. It doesn't have to be something complex like CSI, or Alias, even though I know I could still kill in those ones; no comedy, I just do not have that many jokes stored in my brain. It could be some lame brain show, we don't know where exactly it is going show, like Las Vegas or Crossing Jordan, or even Sex and the City. Something that deals with people's lives, living it, achieving it, more realistic, and not so preachy, and cookie-cutter, as in make everyone beautiful, and live in a fancy apartment so much that the average Joe cannot relate. Even in my writing now, I mostly concentrate on dialigue, with little or no description of my envornment, etc, because I am not a novelist, I write screenplays.

I know in this kind of vocation you stand the risk of your show being canceled, but I am sure when it is canceled, you break out the drawing board and try, try so hard to think up some other original idea. I think I can really deal with that. It wouldn't have limited hours, it would be work at my leisture, or at the whim of my inspiration. I wouldn't have to answer to some lame-brained attorneys (geez, that would be a relief) and I would have some kind of control of my self, my hours, focus solely on my creativity. Till this day, whenever I long for this kind of job, I wonder why I bothered becoming a lawyer. I wanted to seem interesting, serious and professional. It sucks and any lame brain person with the right amount of training can do what I do now. I don't want that. It is a meaningless job.