Last night, in the news they mentioned that a kid in high school had been caught with a death list, filled with the 14 people he would like to kill. He would like to, but I think they were more roused because most of these high school kids have a funny way of bringing such death lists to fruition. I mean, we all have them, that fantasy that if I could kill someone right now, It would be this person, or this person, but then, your anger cools and the feeling just dissipates into the atmosphere along with it. I went to bed last night thinking, "14 people? Men, that must have been one angry teenager." I do not think I have up to 14 people at a time I would like to off in this world. It is just crazy. One or two, would have been just about average, mainly bosses and supervisors fall into that list for almost everyone I know, but 14 whole people. Geez!
If I had anyone to put on that list right now, it would be me. Yes, me. And this is not a suicide note it is just me being frank. Me for having believed that I can make this life work. Me for being such a fuck up. The only fuck up who would screw up 3 interviews with 3 of the biggest law firms in Atlanta in the same year. Me for disappointing that other side of me who wants this so badly she can taste it, and the me that comes in and just ruins it for everybody. God gives me a chance, a slight chance to prove myself when these people actually invite me for these interviews. And I can only guess that invitation is God sent. I spend all night studying for it like it is an exam but I get there and I fuck it all up. Just bullshit just flows out of my mouth. Needless to say, I am a better writer than I am a speaker. All the things I put down here that seem somewhat coherent and a dash entertaining, are not really that way in real life. In real life, it's just blah, blah, blah, and I just go round and round. Inside me I am just rolling my eyes hoping I can keep up with this bullshit longer, a tad longer and that hopefullly someone will like it and save me. Please just give me a fucking break.
Then, the second person on that list of course, is any of my teachers in high school for making me believe that the future was really worth waiting for. They should tell kids now, it is just a lost cause, so do whatever you want to do when you are young and basically enjoy your life. The future is such a bunch of hyped up bullshit. I am living in mine, so I know firsthand what I am talking about.
So, my death list is minute, not really neccesary, slightly angry and hateful but mostly comprising of me.
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