rejection, aye!

It was a fruitless stupid weekend.

I got another rejection letter over the weekend. And this one, inasmuch as I was somewhat expecting and hoping not to get it, it just shattered me in ways you cannot comprehend. For one, I had just researched this law firm, just researched it in searching for courses for my LLM. And then, when I got the interview for it, I thought, stupidly and hopefully, that this was a sublime message from God, trying to give me what I had asked for. No, It was not, not suprising, right? Instead it was His way of punishing me yet again, emotionally and ruining my psyche, as in you can taste but you cannot touch, you are not good enough, there is some other perky, dumbass paralegal who He feels is more deserving of this job than my self. I don't know, why do I even bother, seriously. Why do I bother believing in faith, and signs, and hardwork pays, and strength and integrity in what you do, why do I bother?

I just felt hopeless and helpless all weekend. I haven't prayed ever since. This is not the most disappointing thing God has lead me through, but it is one of most devastating, mainly because, I thought we, as in me and Him were done wtih all that "test of Anita's fate" thing. He knows more than anyone else in this world how much I want this "career" thing to succeed. I don't know know why I grew up thinking I was special, I was destined to achieve great things, I was a little better and smarter than anyone else, and now, that I am supposed to achieve the "great and wondrous" things in my life, nothing seems to be. Even the mediocre life with husband and kids is a luxury for me.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. I spent all weekend, thinking, talking and just commiserating on this, and with each time, tears welled up in my eyes, and I became more and more distraught. I don't want to continue feeling that way, so hopefully I shall retrace into a state of denial and pretend that it didn't happen to me, that it happened to some other person, some other Anita, or an abbreviation of her. And maybe, the pain will seem misplaced and lost on someone else.

It just hurts you know, to always fail. To know that God is setting you up to fail, that no matter how hard you work, and pray and hope and just have faith, that the end result is predetermined to be failure. I can count how many times I have won an interview, but I cannot count how many interviews I have attended.

It's a predetermined negativity that becomes overwhelming