I was thinking

I was thinking about a lot of things that may not neccessarily have to do with work, but just generally with my life. Two things actually stick out now that I have finally settled down to write them down.

One of them is the wonderful episode of Sex and The City that I caught last night where Miranda was being asked the same questions I was asked about apartment hunting for myself. "Is it just you, this is awfully big for one person, why do you need two rooms when it's just you?" And each time I kept answering, "it's just me, it's just me."

Strange when you go through that and then a month later you see it on Tv as if the person who penned that week's episode had had a chance viewing of your life and was forced to write it down quickly to let you know, "I know it's just you, but you are not the only one feeling this same predicament. Okay, Anita."

In the end she burst out crying and said, "I know I am by myself, but I don't want to be for the rest of myself."

I almost started to cry too. I was flabbergasted by the realism in that. Has someone been eavesdropping on my pity parade? This is sad, sadder cos it is true, and even more sadder because unlike Miranda I am not comforted by the fact that there is a Carrie to kiss me and make me feel better that come 20 years from now, I won't be alone in my apartment at 11 pm at night taking pictures of the night sky. Unlike her, I just sit in front of my Tv and let my reserve comfort me, and just dwell in the hope that maybe there will come a time when I won't be so much by myself, maybe it won't always be this way, and what if God remembers me one day and brings me that one love, that one person, that one hope that would change everything, what if that happens, just like some of the remotest of possibilities have happened, what if when that occurs, I shall look upon this entry and smile to myself, and look at him, "It was just me at a time, but it is not anymore." Then what?

I don't know, I am comforted by my hope, my belief in the impossible and my strength to overcome all odds, and in the meantime, it is me, all by my idiot self.

I'll tell you about the other thought tomorrow. I promise.