May Day

I always feel apprehensive when a new month or New Year starts. But the new month occurs more often than the New Year. But I always feel apprehensive. I think, "Will this bring the solution, the cure to my unending loneliness?" Or will it hold more unanswered questions, more uncertainty, more anxiety? Who knows with these things, only God. 

I somewhat said goodbye to my friend, Trouble, yesterday. I woke up with a vision I never thought I was deserving of. I woke up and he was in the kitchen making breakfast. I never thought I'd see that day. I never thought I'd see many things that I've gotten to see with him but I have. But I don't want those visions to just be accomplished with just anybody I want them to be mine, the beginning of a "relationship" not a fling, not something he possibly shares with several other people so they possibly don't mean as much to him as they mean to me. I want them to be "ours." I told him I wanted to take myself out of the rotation. I asked, "So how many of us are in rotation right now?" And there was no comment. So in the evening after careful thought in between a lot of drinking, I told him, I think we should stop sleeping together. He said, "I will respect your wishes." I said, "I want to take myself out of the rotation, because I don't put him on a rotation so I don't want to be part of his rotation." After that, he said, I was stressing him out, nagging him, being paranoid, yada, yada, yada, and then the phone call ended. Odds are I won't hear from him again. And even if I do it would have to be me doing the calling not him. It would be like when we first met and I rejected his offer to sleep with me. He went silent. 

I keep thinking I made the right decision, right? Or was it too soon to ask to be exclusive?  How long do you have to be sleeping together to make that demand? I mean, it's been two months. I don't know...I don't care. I just want to respect myself, treat myself with as much respect as I feel as if I deserve and if this be my way of getting it, hopefully I can stick to it. I woke up today feeling light, as if I said something that I've wanted to say all month. And hopefully all the anxiety I experienced last month will FINALLY stop. Hopefully.