To Be or Not to Be

I just saw Pieces of April. JTfft. Just confirms how unkind and mean people are, and that help comes from us the foreigners. You'll figure it out if you've ever had this conversation with me or have any idea how I think from this journal.

I am getting strangely personal on this journal lately.

No news on the pregnancy front.

I drove halfway across town because I was ashamed to get a pregnancy test kit too close to where I live. I ended up doing that at the CVS just a corner from my house, and a guy was the cashier, go figure! Do you know that in Kroger they keep it locked up so that way you HAVE to ask a clerk to open up the booth to let you have one, talk about rubbing the embarrassment all over you.

The test which was conducted badly, read negative. It gave me hope to go through the rest of the day otherwise I would have been in pieces. A wonderful bright and shiny Sunday and I was indoors grieving over, "Am I or am I not?" My sister thought I had big plans for the day, "Are you going to the movies or something?" she asked. No. I am just going across town to see if I get an EPT. I said to myself.

I love my family. I really do. If there is one person I love more than I it is my family. But they would never understand this. I sat in church and thought of all the better positive ways to make them see this my way like I've tried on issues I've felt strongly about and they haven't. But this one, no way. I don't even see it my way. The father is such a creep. I called him today and he called me right back and hung up on me, pretending not to hear me because he recognized my voice. Who was I sleeping with? Some childish, hurtful stupid creep? Please God I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to have this creep's child. I know there are a million lessons about unselfishness and love and growth and responsibility God wants to teach me but I don't want to be pregnant. Not with his child. I BEG OF YOU.

The test said wait a couple of days and if your period doesn't show up, then take it again. I would rather spend 25 bucks clarifying this issue now, than call that bastard and have to tell him I am with his child. Fuck! how could I have been so stupid?

Please dear Lord, I hope and pray and beg of you that I am not. I pray that I shall learn my lesson from this in a good way and I pray that You shall forgive me for thinking this way and I hope that in some way I can make it up to You Father, and I strive and live for that day. But for today I pray that this is settled soon enough and I get my August visitor just as planned. Thank You Lord. For this and many more blessings I ask of You this day. Amen.