I find it hard to concentrate at my current job. I am just distracted by certain things, and then I doodle so much online, surfing Livejournal, basically wasting a whole bunch of time that could be used on something else. And it's worse when the attorney has to work in the office that day because then that means she gets distracted with me being just next door and then we end up discussing a whole bunch of stupid stuff instead of working.
Like this morning, we talked about Prada bags, Kate Spade sunglasses and the essence of every woman to look sophisticated in order to nail a man. Needless to say, with all the work that has to be done, this is what we are talking about.
This afternoon, I logged onto Yahoo IM to talk to my ex-boyfriend Kevin, who was the only person at a point who knew about the disappearance of my period. (and showed genuine concern no less)
He slips in casually mid talk, just before I tell him the good news about my non-knocked up state.
"I am just in the middle of planning my wedding."
I turn from yellow to red. I try to pretend that I am happy, then I go all shocked, and start to criticize his decision.
"Why now," I ask. "Do you think you are old enough?"
"There's no time to waste, life is too short." he responds.
Then, I don't say anything for awhile but then, I pace the office floor, I stumble, I hurt and I just cannot believe I feel this hurt about it.
I 'fess up: To tell you the truth I am shocked because the last time we talked, you wanted to bang my brains out, on your table, now you are getting married. It just seems a bit sneaky (that's the word I was looking for but couldn't find at the time) rushed and sudden.
He says I never showed him that there was a chance of us getting back together.
(you know that's true because now that I think about it, it would have never worked, because he would have wanted me to live in Nigeria and I don't want to. He would have made me compromise so much of me to be with him and I would have been so worried that he would cheat on me every time that I would not go to bed reassured of my husband's fidelity. And besides, Keanu is my husband, right?)
He says again, "The last time we talked you had a boyfriend."
Which is a lie, last time we talked I had invited him to Atlanta and he was elated, elated, I shit you not, that I was inviting him to come see me, so when did the becoming an old mister bell ring for him and he decided to propose to his girlfriend. Honestly!
He continues: "I followed my instinct."
I decide not to say anything more.
I say basically "that my instinct had told me to keep away from you, that you had broken my heart terribly once and that there was a distinct possibility that it might happen again, that was why I kept away from you for 3 years." Mostly when I moved here. He had begged me, literally begged me early this year to speak to him, to forgive him that he was a child then, that he cherished our relationship, wish we had had a chance to explore more, etc. Now, he does this. Trust me it's worth breaking someone's heart.
I can't say I am heartbroken, I am just a little crushed more to say. Crushed and disappointed that I failed to follow my own instincts. With Uninteresting Guy and now, with him. I just have not been paying close attention to my inner heart lately.
This morning I particularly prayed about this. I asked that God not let me die an old maid, alone living in her apartment, waiting on love that just does not want to show up. I don't know why I was moved to talk about it this morning, maybe premonition, I suppose, but I just could not hide from the fact and the truth that this pregnancy scare brought to life inside me. That I do not want to be by myself for too long, and since I have achieved a little more than a lot in my career, this may be a good time to cash in on other areas of my life, like finding real love.
He asks me to say more. But I don't. I just tell him it's best we do not talk to each other anymore. We should say our ggodbyes and just end it now. So we did. I deleted him from my friend's list, placed him on IGNORE and that was that.
It's going to be a rough weekend. The tears welling up in my eyes tell me that.
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