how far we've come

Just a recap of certain things, since I rarely have the opportunity to talk about myself, and as the year comes to an end you find yourself thinking introspectively about a plethora of things.

First off, the weekend was just okay. I didn't go to church even though there was nothing wrong with me. I was not ill, or depressed (surprise, surprise!). I was just uninspired. Certain things I had hoped to happen to me this year have not happened. I was so uninspired that I didn't go to the gym as well, even though my body soo needs it. I weighed myself at the clinic on Tuesday and it's at 200 pounds. Whopping for someone my size. No wonder no one finds me attractive. And then, that uninspiration stirred the way to this week. I found myself thinking through the long journey to work about the type of work I thought I would get to do when I decided not to go to law school and become a paralegal. I thought maybe I would get to do all the legal work, sans going to court or putting my name onto a pleading. Here we are almost 3 years into it, and it is not so. Instead I am a glorified secretary and as I get older I wonder will I ever get to do it, can I do it, is it something I will be good at, or should I just file it along with my other unsatisfied dreams, right next to "marry Keanu." In six months' time I shall be turning 32, and it is not an easy age, just saying the number sounds ridiculous. I can't believe it is just that far away from 30 which seems like a 'younging'. what is going on? I can't wrap my head around so many things, so many things that relate mainly to my life, like who did i wrong somewhere that I just seem to be grasping not so much holding. Like the songs says, I keep crawling in the dark, looking for the answers." Yes, that is me alright!!

I don't want to sound as if I am ungrateful for what I have; like I said, I am just uninspired. So much hapens around the world, factories are closing, literally closing down. You start to wonder, what is going on? Every time I spend money I think this is a luxury that not many people can afford, and I can, for now, so I should be grateful, but why am I bothered by it.