Unscripted Transition

Long time ago I wrote this piece called Transition. That was my first piece of writing, the first time I knew I could feel something that could not be described in spoken words but written. It was so deep and I didnt even know how I thought it up, but I knew why. I wish I knew where that piece is right now, it may just be worth at least two bucks.

However, this brings me to something else. I feel that way right now. Essentially life leads us through this passage hole, it's planned, like some psychosomatic transient being, just leads you down a coincidental path and it turns into something real, something good, and sometimes the good changes faces, to bad, or unwelcomed, and eventually you wonder, why did this all happen.

I only say this because I have been feeling that way lately. Yesterday in the midst of my good news about my exam result, I felt sad, so sad that I started to cry, and I don't know, I still feel a certain unknown sadness that is just indescribable. I don;t know if its the Gavin overload (BTW in the midst of being someone I thought was quite unknown, I noticed some very 'commercial' attributes to him and his act but more on that later), mixed with my distaste with my body recently. (BTW I planned to do a consult for lipo and then, something just changed my mind.) Suddenly I don't want to be me with this body anymore, and it's even more pronounced right now. More than ever. Then, there is the indescribable sadness, of thinking, I am so far away and each time I feel myself coming closer, something pulls me away. I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. And yes, I did feel this way by this time last year. It was hard to get myself in the mode to start to study then, cos all I wanted to do was write about Adam, and I did. But with this one, I can't even write. I can only sit here upset. Deeply upset. And sad. And infuriated. And more so because I cannot understand why.