couldn't you tell

Couldn't you tell...I was the sullen one in the corner, with her hands to her chin, placed firmly with the scowl, and a rambunctious exterior with the lack of a smile; there was a smile but it was locked within, and my self, I have gotten so used to being by myself, that I have plans for myself, that couples couldn't even pull off. Couldn't you tell? That it was me, yellow yet so unpretty. Determined yet no direction. Amazing yet so forgotten. It was me.

Some days are just 'can I please not get out of bed days?' But everyday is like that with me, couldn't you tell? Today was one of those days. Apart from issues at work which I shall not mention for the sake of being labelled as repetitive, there were issues with the traffic, with my weight that has just stopped going anywhere. And issues, that just arise because I choose not to think about them or think about them until mid-week days like this.

I have realized that the reason why my job is not offering or considering me for the contract paralegal position is because I am not smart. I realized that today in between a conversation with someone, in between my failure to exude any intelligence as usual. I realized that if they felt that I could do it, that I needed to be trained to do it, then they would have at least given it a millisecond of a thought. But they didn't albeit that I am undergoing LLM study and whatnot, I can't even hack it as a senior paralegal, how disappointing is that? I realized the cold hard bitter side of this, after the conversation and my friend editing the contents of my letter, badly so badly. I felt to inadequate. If I was really that good I would have written an effortless demand letter. But I am not. With everything else, I am just not good enough. I think I just let 'ditzy, please underestimate me Anita' linger for too long. I think that was my sin and I shall pay for it, somewhat.


Couldn't you tell I am with thought, I have updated two days in a row, I only do that when I can't think good thoughts, just the heavy convoluted ones.