realization

I realized today several important things about myself, a confusing set of facts but so complicated too.

I realized that I enjoy writing. I absolutely enjoy it. I don't enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing but I still enjoy a little bit of both, more of writing. I also realized that in my love for writing I have done several things: I have bought a laptop to aid my writing, so I can write anywhere. I am considering getting a PDA and I have acquired several CD's to inspire me into writing something, anything.

But most of all, I write mainly about one thing, one person. Him. I havent been inspired to write anything else, about anything else. This wasn't always the case.

Even as I spend hours writing, which is a good thing if you have the ambition of making a living as a writer as I do, you start to wonder, how can I stay at home all day poring over said laptop, writing about stuff that is not even relevant even if at all just to me, and why does it even matter at all? When there's so much of the world to be discovered and experienced? Why would you choose to spend the entire day indoors writing?

This wouldn't be a bad deal except for two very important things:
1) I am writing about stuff that doesn't even matter at all. A story about him and it's not exactly going to make it on the bestseller list.
2) I am still single and everyone I know that knows that I am single has advised that I get out there some more. go out, live it up with friends, abandon the laptop and hopeless dreams put down on paper, just get out there.

Getting out there, also plays on my love for writing, I write better when I've experienced something more interesting and out of the extraordinary. Sitting at home is also fine with me, I moved into this house to create a space for creation. my rent prorated comes to $22 a day and with all that money being paid for my space why would I want to leave it?

I know I should put myself on the market and I also know it helps me to create, but I don't want to stop writing and I can't imagine my self, my head without it.

I didn't go to church today. I haven't been able to lift myself outta anything all day. I apologize to God for being ignorant and neglecting to go to church but I don't know I get that way sometimes. Everyone feels sorry for me that I am not in a relationship and sometimes I feel sorry for myself too. But the truth of the matter is I am too complicated to be in a relationship right now. I am stuck in a dream and I am not in touch with the reality of anything. No one wants that kind of person and no one has--that's why I am still single. It just makes me feel incomplete when I don't have these things and these things I am talking about do not include a relationship. Sorry, they don't.

I ask God for understanding of myself and what I want out of this life that He has put me in. I ask that he shines light on the complicated facets and explains them to me even though I have chosen to be away from his holy temple. I ask for direction and I ask for peace wth my inner self, my demons and my family. And I ask for prosperity in my day job and sense of self in all my doings. I thank Him for the blessings in my life, for my creativity and for getting me this far and that His Holy hand gets me farther into where I need to be. these and more I ask of thee O Lord. Amen.