Today was a weird kinda day, with loads of ups, and intricate downs.

Work was slow.

I didn't log on last night onto the computer because I was watching Vanilla Sky---a complete waste of my time and anybody else's who bothered to see it.

So work today was slow like I said. My crush and I had spoken yesterday and he had promised that today after work we would go do something together, something G-rated. Since he says I scare him too much so let's do something that isn't as scary as his imagination has led him to believe I am.

So there I was waiting for work to end, and it did. So I waited after work, waiting for him to come up to me to say, hey girl, okay let's go. But he didn't. Instead he just sat somewhere faraway from where I was sitting, and kept his gaze fixed on me, I could feel him boring a hole in the back of my shirt.

So I sit there wondering, should I go or should I stay? Should I ask him infront of all those people he was talking to, should I? Then, my new boss comes up to me and asks me to take some stuff to another store close by as a favor to all of them. I hesitate at first and then I go, inviting John, cute associate for which I had erotic dream about some days ago to come along with me. He didn't flinch he immediately jumped into my car and off we went.

Something about the conversation we had that blew me away. John is a lot deeper, older (just by a couple of years) and a lot more interesting than my crush is. But he said he isn't attracted to anyone at work. He said it repeatedly that I started to wonder if maybe he thought I liked him. I asked him why repeatedly but he just shyed away from the answer. He talked about how he spends so much, how he isn't ready for a relationship, how much money he is expecting to make when he gets out of school. The conversation was so innocent with underlying intelligence in it, that I had wished I had made my move first to John instead of old proud boy here.

We come back and my crush is still sitting in the same spot I left him eating this time. The flies around him have dispersed so I go on to ask him:

"So did you forget about our plans for today?

He replies, "No he didn't but he has to go play soccer in a couple of hours so what can we do..."

We move to a more quieter plae to talk and he says to me,

"I know you want to fuck my brains out."

To which I reply, "...among other things." He laughs cynically in response like that request would never be answered.

He asks me to teach him my language, what it sounds like to say, "I want to fuck you" in it. I say something else like "I wish I could bang your head against a wall for making me like you so much."

But to him I say something like, "I'll teach you sometime, maybe when we are in bed or something." He acts like he doesn't understand, so I use a line from Vanilla sky, "maybe in another time when we are both cats."

He laughs again, foolishly, annoying me that he has taken the hint but he just doesn't want to act on it.

The underlying annoyance of the whole conversations comes when someone sees us talking but decides to join us on our table. He immediately tells him, she wants to fuck my brains out. And the guy, whom I hardly talk to at work, replies, "hey, you are both adults, consenting adults so do whatever you both feel like. It's a free country."

I am so embarassed but I act like I am not so as not to show the truthfulness in the statement. He explains further that I was chatting him up because I wanted to hang out with him. I nod in response showing that this is the only part of the narrative I agree with. The other guy urges him on to call me, to take me somewhere then, invite me to go hang out with him and his friends, just do something. He agrees, I disagree quietly.

As I watch John from the back of my eye watching us talk for that long and the betrayal in his eyes just shows how confused he is about the nature of the whole thing, I stand up and head out the door disappointed in myself.

Yep! this is just deja vu of my past. It was so bad that I had to tell him that, "This is bad, It is so bad that I am actually begging you to hang out with you."

What kind of life is this? This is deja vu of all those days with Sola, when I used to beg him to invite me to his parties, to his boat, to his house, to call me. I thought I was moving forward in my life not going back to old hurts. This is so reminiscent of the past I ran away from.

The only reasonable thing he asked me all through our conversation was, why I didn't want to go visit my country, and for a minute he acted like he really wanted to know the answer, just for that split second, it seemed like he was interested in who I was, what am about, but then when the other guy came, it was arrogant, I want to fuck his brains out theme all through.

It was a semi-good day. I have no complains, just wish it had turned out better that's all. I am overwhelmed with sorrow for myself. I felt downcast this monring about this whole lack of friends, lack of clique bullshit and then the events of today just sorta reiterated it. Instead of clarifying my judgement of life it made it all the more foggy...which I didn't need at all.