This is turning out to be one of those weeks where you don't seem to know if you're coming or going or just going along for the ride, and if it is what kind of journey is it.

I found myself doing a little bitter thinking on Friday. I remembered some of the people I went to school with, I thought about how some of them have advanced into becoming managers and mothers and women in their own right. I don't command the respect that is worthy of someone my age. I realized that while working with the morons I work with. They are not driven to giving me respect that is due to someone my age, and most times I am forced to reciting my age under my breath just to get some of them to back off my case. I often wonder don't I look like someone my age, should I dress or act older, how are older people supposed to act, like Cameron Diaz or Angelina Jolie, a cross between them?

Perhaps if I were in a suit working for some Law firm, or just some Corporate job that is surely worthy of some clout than the job I have, then only then would I be accorded the respect due to me. Right now, I keep praying and asking, and wondering, was there some price I neglected to pay to make it neccessary for me to live this life I am faced with? Did I wrong someone in my other life? Was there someone I stepped on that cursed me out and my future is left to turmoil?

The week was rough for me, no doubt from the way I sound. The worst thing, one of the most dreaded things I had ever imagined happened to me, and Lord, it wasn't easy to get through it. I just had to brace myself and suck it in. I don't want to go out that way again. I am still recovering from the name-calling at my other job, and regretting the way I left it. I want to leave on my own terms, simply because I have found somehting worthy, that represents my age, my status (which isn't much right now) and just my qualification, the suit wearing job or the job that lured me into coming into this country in the first place, that kinda job. I don't want to be forcefully withdrawn. Not this way, not right now.

I hope this week yields light where the other week blocked it off. I am praying that as I struggle day by day, one of these days would be my happy time, my redemption time, the day that the Lord shall remember me, and forgive me for whatever transgression I may have done in my other life, and lifts me up as a testimony to His people far and wide.

AMEN.