You know those ads that read: Find a better apartment or Find a better boyfriend, or Find a better job or Find a better City.

I want thhe one that reads: Find a better life.

Sometimes, I think God is trying to punish me for choosing my destiny by moving to this country as opposed to letting Him choose my destiny for me which may not have had anything to do with this country at all.

Everything I've tried is filled with suckage and the one true thing that means anything to me at all, is just crumbling in my face: Career.

I don't know how to describe it succintly. I don't do concise I assume. But I just feel like I keep getting these shit hole opportunities that do not regard me as anything, I am just a person. A tool, can be easily replaced by any other person. I wanna mean something, and I want the company to know that I mean something. I want them to treat me like I do and I promise to give them my fair share of me, my talent, expertise, and sweat in doing a good job. I am not just some tool. I did go to school, studied and became one of the best students in my class. Why isnt the payback worth anything?

This is HIS punishment to me for forcing Him to give me this. Every time I think this, I console my self by saying, Hey wait a minute, your miracle is on its way, remember? But then, what if that is just that inner voice of hope that is trying effortlessly to hold me together so I do not fall apart like I am about to do. I have been prone to do in the past month.

I don't want to talk about this. I promised not to but I just found myself asking myself (who else is there?) why I am so upset and in between trying to piece my anger I came up with this formula. Job appreciation. I do not have it. At all. And it hurts.

I promise I shall go to church this week. Okay!