its been sad

I know there is supposed to be some lesson of some sort I am supposed to grasp from this ordeal. I can't help feeling as if I was betrayed, just when things were starting to look up, life was starting to take shape and I was starting to build confidence in my goal, this happens. I didn't like that job. I hated that job, but I had repeatedly asked Him for another job. I didn't ask to lose that job before I got another one, I was supposed to leave them not them leaving me, that was the plan. That was my prayer, and I prayed fervently on that for at least 10 months, at New Year's, on my birthday, when I woke up and when I went to bed. I specified, and I begged. I really do not understand why I have to fail in my life plan. So many times I have felt that God was with me, even though the things that happen to me do not happen to the regular Jane, I have persisted and felt that He had a great plan. Nothing happens for a reason, and that we, including I, have our purpose in life.

I do not see the point of mine. I really do not. So many things I would rather do now than flipping through job ads and the profile of every law firm in Atlanta, I would rather be studying for the exam that I am supposed to take. But now, I can't and I may not even register for the exams at this rate, because I can't read, I can't think of anything else except that this has to stop, there has to be certain solution and this solution has to come sooner rather than later, before I lose my mind, my mother looses her mind and I think of alternative ways out. It would have been nice to make my mother proud, you know that. It would have been nice, I think she deserves that from me. Now, this.

Thank you. I have faith, it is not much but I have a little faith. But my mind is clouded by a whole lot of things which make believing so hard.

It is so hard.