Hmm...where to begin

Well, I will be perfectly honest with you, even though I may not be perfectly honest with myself.

I lost my job. Last week Wednesday, right about 4:30 pm, my boss handed me my separation notice. Something about my attitude was becoming unbearable, I was always so irritable, rude, etc. Some bullshit. But in the end, I dropped the keys and left. Something about losing a job you never really liked that just does wonders to your self esteem. For the past ten months, you as my witness can attest to the fact that it's been hell, it was either I left angrily, or I found something else, or they kicked me out. Somehow fate just chose the latter. Why the fuck they did it, that is the question I have been chewing on for the past week. I am not a particularly proud person, I am not overconfident, I may be a tad irritable when things don't go my way, and I am somewhat of a snub. These I know are my faults, and also I don't do good deeds. But then, in all these, I really cannot find a reason why fate chose the "fuck you" exit sign to that ill-fated job. I just feel like that job, the short time, the fact that it ended the way it did just ruined the already deplorable career track I was on, and most especially a career that is (according to my friends at Harvard) so much beneath me. I am like fucked, majorly.

WTF is this, I don't know?

I tried so much not to think about this. Somewhere in the back of my head I keep thinking, thigs will turn around just like whoa! and I wouldn't even remember this at all. But it isn't that easy. I went to Boston as scheduled over the weekend, and somehow it made it worse. Nothing like seeing other Africans getting a top-rated education that makes you feel worse that you can't even keep the underrated job that's been handed to you, and here people are studying to be CEOs etc and a paralegal job in a third-tier firm just slips through my hands. I am fucked. I told my friend, that I feel as if I am that most likely to succeed that didn't. That just didn't. It's like I missed the bus somewhere and my track is heading to some forgotten desert. Is this what I get for not doing good deeds, for loving myself more than I should have?

Right now I am at a crossroads. Should I register for the LLM exams, which I haven't been studying, and it is understandable, considering I have just been put through this shockwave, or do I just keep on going, and stick it out, continue reading (which was somehow encouraged after the Harvard trip) and register for that exam somehow, and promise myself to do good in it, despite all the odds against me.

Things are not so good. Like I said I would be perfectly honest with you. I do not miss the job. I just wish my fucking phone would ring. I just wish they hadn't won. I just wish I had left them before they decided to make me leave. I just wish I had gotten any of those wonderful jobs I had interviewed for months ago. I just wish fate had chosen the success route for me, you know, I really do deserve the success route. There have been way too many sob stories where I am concerned, some too personal to mention, it would have been nice if I had a success story out of that dilemma. What was my reward for all the hardwork and dedication that I put in there, What?

I thought I could avoid talking about this, but there really was no choice.

That's it. I am officially unemployed.