I woke up at 4.30 am this morning. If you know how much I love sleep, you would understand why this is an anomaly. I actually went to the SPIN class at 5.45 but missed the very last bike. So I have been up for 4 hours straight, with a workout in between.
I had a rough day at work. My job is slowly edging into the mundane. The mundane, ordinary and uninspiring. And it's quite disappointing and revelatory at this time because I am trying to make the decision to splurge on the Bar Forms. I am trying to decide if I want to rearrange my life and my budget to accomodate taking yet another exam which I don't know if it will lead me to the promised land. Because if Tax Law didn't, then I am not sure CA Bar will. That is negative, defeatist, and lazy, I know, and it could be a whole bunch of other things, and while thinking of all the possibilities, I cannot get to sleep. Or I sleep and have nightmares and wake up and wonder how I let 8 years go by without wringing in any accomplishments.
I knew I had things to think about that's why I've been spending so much time online, browsing catalogues filled with clothes I do not intend to buy. Because i am running away from my thoughts, my disappointments. I met this guy the other day. Not important. According to him, he likes me. Even though he does not show it or he shows it in a way that does not sweep me off my feet. If I was remotely attracted to him, his lackadaisical atttitude in pursuing me would not make that much of a difference, but I am not, and there in lies the problem for him. For me, because I spend so much time asking for a relationship, just like praying for a job and a job comes by but it's a secretarial position with the opportunity to amount to something. And you don't want to turn it down because that would turning away your blessing, but you don't want to jump into it either because that is not exactly what you asked for. And you're afraid that if you turn it down, then it makes you ungrateful. I don't know. So much to think about, so little time in the day. But overall, I have become so used to being by myself, that company, male or female is almost like an intrusion. I have my nights planned out, my days planned with myself, that when I squeeze in company I think, this is deterring me from the plan for this evening, which was to sit at home and do nothing but enjoy quiet time infront of the TV and occasionally browse shopbop.com for more deals. I have gotten so used to it the Island/Republic/United States of Me.
I am having a meeting with my boss to discuss why I hate to do mundane tasks. I just do. I hate it because I feel that I have worked too hard in this career to still be dealing with tasks like this. There are some people that are cut out for tasks like that so they should do it. There are some people that are hired solely to handle tasks like that, so they should handle that. Two years on top of the 6 years of college of learning the do's and don't of the Common Law and all I do is word processing. No way. I don't know anyone that would like that.
But I cannot say this to her. Because just as soon as the words land out of my mouth, they would be typing up my "sack" letter, and this recession is no time to be unemployed. So instead I hope to say, I just don't feel like talking about. I hope not to be as upset as i was yesterday and i hope that as time goes on I can understand what importance I play here, but right now, I just do not want to talk about it.
Not unless she reads this journal during her spare time.
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