Subject: my analysis of things
Time: 11:00 pm.
Mood: experimental.
Music: pretty baby..vanessa carlton.

I have decided to spend a lot of time with myself.

That means going out, finding a place to retreat, reading a book by the park or sipping a cappuchino at the bookstore, or spending hours sampling CD's at the record store and most of all doing some window shopping on my satisfying budget of strawberry milkshake and large fries.

You see this used to be my agenda when I lived in London. I lived with a family of about 10 people in a house yet I spent most of the time there by myself finding out what I enjoyed, seeking for self peace, and in so many ways I found that and I suppose that is what I miss.

I remember all those days when I didn't have a car I used to want to do any of these things but was limited because of my transportation problems but now I do, gas costs me a lot more than it does the others but I do have a mode of transportation I can use to take myself, anywhere. The good thing about that time is that I was alone and I didn't feel a tad bit lonely. I didn't feel like it was time for me to get into a relationship already or it was time for me to have kids, or do something with my life. Because I was. I was at peace with myself which is more than most people who have these things can say for themselves.

On Sex and the City tonight Carrie aired my thoughts in one single sentence when she said, I am lonely. I felt like yelling to her, Fuck Yeah, I am. I am so much. Once agin, I have myself, in a house full of people, working in a place filled with people, in a people job, yet I am lonely. Almost sounds ironic, doesn't it? Then, I searched my mind as to a time when I didn't feel any of these melancholic-ness, boredom, or strangeness of circumstances, and I found it came when I spent a good portion of my time finding me, with me.

You see people spend so much time analysing relationships, not enough time doing the act. Doing as in, spontaneity. In my loneliness, I have lost all spurs of spontaneity and have spent more time analysing the places I should be seen, I should go, where I can drink to meet a guy or to have some fun, and what I can do to grasp my evasive career. Not enough time, doing, or being, myself. Of which there really isn't anything wrong with that.

So much to the chagrin of my horoscope---it suggested that home shall be a good place for me to spend my time this week---I shall do otherwise. Meet up with myself in the places I like to go, and spend some time doing a whole bunch of spontaneous acts that I shall live to regret not doing.