There are no words

I am thinking of writing my brother an angry email.

Ever since I decided that to make up my mind if I am going back to Nigeria, I need to write a list of the top ten reasons I need to stay here and sweat it out so to speak, and top ten reasons my country is a better establishment for my wellbeing, I have come to think deeply about certain decisions I need to make for the future so I don't continue to live this mistake endlessly. One of the top ten reaosns will be revealed here today.

Top ten reason why I do not want to move back to Nigeria is that I do not want to live with my brother and his wife. I know that seems harsh because he is my flesh and blood family, but I cannot live with anyone except myself. I have grown completely independent that having to be dependent especially with my living quarters will just crush whatever self-esteem I have left. But that is not the reason for the angry email. The angry email is just to say, I asked you to do me a favor and you have neglected to do so, or you want to do it on your own time. I hate to talk or think about things like this because it just upsets me, more than I already am.

It is almost a week into Lent and I have not decided what it is I am going to give up. Not that I do not want to, I am just cold towards prayer right now. I go to pray and all that can come out of my mouth is…there are no words. No words to adequately capture what I want to say, or have been saying or put a new spin to my repeated prayers. There are simply no words. How do I say them differently that would cause God to want to answer them, how do I present them to him? There are no words.

That also explains why I have not written in here in awhile. So much to say that in an effort not to say them all at once, I piece them up and try to make them sound calm. Not angry or bitter or resentful. But how can I find the words to capture that? There are no words because it is what it is. Filled with anger, resentment and bitterness.