Deep sigh...where do I start.

For the past 3 days or so, I have been feuding with my family. Now, that I think about it, I can't seem to remember what it is we are feuding about, and that's why I didn't want to write it down when it happened so I wouldn't be reminded of it, so as to slowly let it go. But it is hard.

For the past year since or more since I moved here, I have been constantly searching for happiness. I am a very melancholic person, I find happiness in things that are quite opposite from my family's. And maybe that is why I am the least successful out of them. I hate to admit to that but it is the pathetic truth.

Let me put it this way: My brother is an engineer, works for Exxon-Mobil. My sister is a telecom engineer that aspires to become a teacher, and then there's me: I am a trained lawyer (for real, 6 year program and all, graduated with honors) who wants to be in the entertainment business. No! not as an actor or singer, but as someone in the background, directing, writing, putting my visions on the screen, publicist anything. I have all these ideas and I don't know where to go with them. So I thought okay, come to america, where else, the land where dreams come true.


Then, back to reality. I have been here a year or more and I haven't done a thing. I am stuck in the world where I want to do things but everyone is telling me don't do that, if you do and it blows up on your face we won't be there for you. Do you know how many people want to be in that business here, what makes you think you'll succeeed. I have just been torn in this torment of having to decide, reading brochures of schools i can't go or can't afford, it is weighing me down.

To top it off, where we live isn't exactly the best of places either. It is so trapped in the suburbian hell, I feel like I am choking. In all my life, I never thought I'd be the one living in the suburbs. I saw my self in various situations but the suburbs. then let's not go into how difficult it is to get out of this surburbs during the day without a car, so many classes I have wanted to attend that are just 5 miles from me, but I can't get there. So many screenwriting evening classes, I can't go. I could stand at the subdivision gate for hours and my neighbors would pass me by as if they don't recognize me. Tell me how bad is that?


You can imagine someone like me who doesn't like sitting down for close to a day having to go through all that. why? all I wanted was to have my dreams answered, is it too much to ask?

Since Sunday we've been feuding, my sister losing her mind, her husband getting on my last nerve, what part of "I don't want to talk about this now," don't they understand. His children annoyed me and he is asking them to apologize to me and I don't want to hear it right now, I want to go somewhere and lick my wounds sullenly, but he insists, that I must accept their apology. I DO NOT. What part about that is soo difficult. What? I don't want to talk when I am angry, I do not. It comes with being a writer, I'd rather sit here and type my words than talk them over, But no, he wanted us to talk, so i walked out on him to avoid saying things I would regret, just like I hung up on my sister when she wanted us to talk about the dvastating effects of studying Fine arts over Buisness. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. simple. Can't they get it?


Since then, my mum has called, blowing fumes going hysterical, my brother has called taking sides, why? Because I have a history, various precedents of snapping at people, and losing my temper so they think this time I was the one to blame. Yes! but I do not want to talk about it. I want something from this life and I am not getting it and my life is passing me by in suburbia hell, and you want me to sit around and be all chummy about it, to hell I will.

Give me a kind word, a push of encourgament so when I go to achieve it in some way, I won't be haunted by your face sniding at me with "I told you so" when it blows up on me, tell me it's going to be okay and go for it, sky's the limit, you are family after all, don't give me chores or put me in situations that get on my last nerve cos when I do reach the tip of that last nerve and want to blow up...I do not want to talk about it.

That's about it for now. My brother has since written that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore about it or any other thing. I haven't spoken to my sister and her husband since then, I've been sitting in front of the pc pretty much, and my nieces are on pins and needles with me. Me, I am busy trying to find a school the hell outta here so I can move somewhere work as a waitress or something so long as my dream is going on course, but so far I haven't come up with any bright ideas for paying tuition or moving anywhere, so that's my life for now.

I just wish someone would come over and tell me, "Hey, I have an exciting life, wanna be a part of it?" I would jump up, grab my toothbrush and follow him wherever, whenever, I wouldn't look back at all. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember since grade school. I have always wanted to escape myself. If I have had this dream for that long, and God has known about it, and I pray constantly asking him for it, when oh when will He deem it fit for it to come true. I'm getting pissed just waiting for it.

Although, I shall try to look on the bright side. Thanks for anyone who actually read it. There's more but I'll save that for some other time.