Dear Diary,

I have a confession to make. I've started writing (fan-fiction) again.

Diary (screams out)--WHAT!

Yes, I have. I know. (embarassed flurries fly over her face) I must have whined muchly about this stuff some months ago, it hasn't even been up to 3 months since I hung up my hat. Has it? I have just been going through all these hectic shit at home, in my personal life, feeling downcast, feelings of self-worthlessness.

-Those are the worst.

Tell me about it. And I am my own worst critic if I am not doing right in something I don't feel good about it. Right now, I am not doing right in my life and the only way I can get one foot out of my worries is to write crap, shit, rants, journals, poems, fanfiction, hell whatever. I just have to write something unless my head is going to implode from worrying about shit I can't change.

-I knew this was where you were headed.

Well, yeah it was obvious at a point. I have been reading some of my old stuff. Whenever I am down I read up what I wrote to get my spirits high, remember the extracts I put in here sometime. Whenever I read my stuff, I feel like maybe I should do this again, write something new, something that feels just this smooth, this sweet and soft, that can bring a tear to soemone's eye. So that's when I decided to ressurrect some of my work and give it to a control audience. Some of them really liked it and asked for more, some of them started to write like I did, sweet, dialogue driven stories, less of that debasing sex, but more pathos in it. That's when it hit me, I must be doing somehting right somewhere for these people to want to write like me, I must be touching them and I don't even know it.

Most of all I got this Humanclick icon that lets me monitor people on my site, most of them, I see them reading my stories, I see them spend at least 20 minutes going through some of my short stuff, but when they finish they never say anything. They never say thank you, I enjoyed it, sign the guestbook, or whatever, which shouldn't mean diddly right but the important thing, is that they spent their precious time in the evening reading my work. And that's deep! That's when I decided to hold up my pen again, try to see what else I can put down that may be just as deep. You know it's whenever you feel a little downtime in your life that you write the best cos' all the emotions is all pouring out of your every pores, you know. It's deep and shit. So that's why I gave up the pact and picked up my writing again.

-How does it feel

I can't lie to you and say I am having 100% fun. I am not. Time has passed when I used to have that much fun writing, then I was writing for just myself. To tell you the truth I don't want to go into that whole correcting of the grammar, structuring my sentences, trying to make them sound poetic, give off some kind of metaphors, describe my environment, painting a mental picture for the reader, blah, blah stuff. I don't. Having to hear people either correct my work as to editing (which is the good bit) or that it just has general bad grammar, makes no sense whatsoever, or it has normal typos that I feel too lazy to correct. I don't want to have to go through with that shit from critics on the web anymore.

I just want to read/write a story that connects with me, how I feel, what I want to hear someone say to me, how I would want it said, the mood I might be in at some time, and what I want done to remedy it, how everyboyd feels at some time, and how we react to it. I just want something that cuts deeper than your everyday run of the mill hoopla, and if the story or the dialogue and the emotions come poured out just right and touch you where they should, then who gives a fuck about the grammar, or how long the sentences are, who should.

It's just like worrying about an artists music just because the artist is not pretty enough or sexy enough...those are just additives, the real deal is still concrete, intense, and powerful, connect with it and leave the rest for later.

But readers on the web can't leave well enough alone in this world. Since I started writing I've been waiting for someone to say to me, I like this, is this from your head because if it is it sounds like a real good movie, or a real good drama or a real good Independent film that people would want to see. I have been waiting for that. I am not sounding cynic, or proud, full of meself, I know I have seen worse films than what I have written, so what makes mine the worse for wear.

I have started writing again, and I hope this time, I can write for me this time...not for the readers on the web, or for feedback, just for me so that those moments when I feel downsome I can open up some of my pages and read them and laugh away my tears, feeling proud and good with myself. That's what Art is, it gives off a good feeling.

Thanks Diary.

Anita.

also contained in Rants and Pieces